lxforever

“But I’m making toast.”
“Just press cancel…”
= LOL @ married life

“I run to the river and dive straight in / I pray that the water will drown out the din / but as the water fills my mouth / it couldn’t wash the echoes out”

—Florence + The Machine, Drumming Song

2012: year of Survival. Also of the Beaver (HT Ariel). Also of elections, Jenny’s WEDDING/etc.!!!, Dark Knight Rises, OLYMPICS!!!, and more that I can’t remember right now.

So, January. A lot of people come in to January with the aim of kicking ass and taking names. Many years into supposed ‘adulthood’, I have finally accepted that January (and February, and March, generally) for me is about survival/grinding through. Januaries of my past/adolescence were generally about the flurry of December excitement(holidays!!!)/stress(gymnastics!!!) coalescing into sheer fear as we had competitions every weekend (and January was destined to be crashy). This was definitely true in HS, and sort-of in college as well. For many years this masked my actual feelings for Jan/Feb/Mar so that is my excuse for just realizing this NOW (at age 30).

However! I have an amazing new sunlight light (thanks Mom!) AND hope/feel that recognizing my limitations in these months will make them more bearable. Starting…now.

Moving along. We had a really nice NYE, actually. We spent the day moving Erik, then celebrating Xmas w/ Sue et. al., which was REALLY, really nice!, then dropped in on Jeff’s Grandma which was delightful. She is a sarcastic old lady and I love her for that (um, clearly she handed this down to Jeff, so…). We then came home and partook in our typical ‘old-person’ NYE of Hanging Out, making donations, eating cheese (actually, we did this on 1/2 instead), and being alone. It was actually a really great day of family, listening to wonderful music of 2011, and being together. And then the magical evening snow to cap it off.

Now I am on a mission to find out what happened to my doctor. I hope she just moved practices and not states and/or quit. Gah!! It figures. I finally find a decent PCP and she takes off. Whatevs.

Also on a mission to read Infinite Jest by the time it is due at the library. Um. Since I am on page 60 and there are 1000+ pages, and it is due in <2 weeks, clearly this is not going to happen. But. One can dream? (Yes I should just buy it.) Also on a mission for lunch. Adios!

“Let everything happen to you / Beauty and terror / Just keep going / No feeling is final”

—Rainer Maria Rilke

“Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment. There is no Why.”

—Kurt Vonnegut

“A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.”

—Vonnegut, again

“Hot and dangerous… // DJ turn it up / it’s about damn time to live it up / I’m so sick of being so serious / it’s making my brain delirious! // You know we’re superstars / we are who we are!”

—Ke$ha (and Anna 😉 )

“My! My! Time flies! A new day is on its way, so let’s let yesterday go”

—Enya

time 9:04 PM feeling contemplative? content? wearing gray sweater, black leggings reading Infinite Jest music 2011 Epic ready for Hanging Out w/ Jeff; 2012 next just that

“Do you know I went to Paris this summer?”
“I did know that, that’s pretty cool. What was your favorite thing in Paris?”
“I liked the Louvre. We saw the Mona Lisa. Do you know the Mona Lisa?”
“I do, was it pretty cool to see?”
“Yeah. It was. But they won’t let you take pictures of it. But some people were. Taking pictures.”
“Oh yeah, they probably shouldn’t do that.”
“Why can’t they take pictures of it? Why won’t they let them?”
“Well, if too many people take pictures of it, it might start to fade away.”
“Fade away?”
“Right. And then you couldn’t see it any more because it faded.”
“But why would it fade?”
“Well, everything that’s exposed to light fades over time. Taking a picture puts more light on it, so…”
“…so it would fade?”
“Yeah.”
“Does EVERYTHING fade away?”
“…Well, yeah. Pretty much. With time. Over hundreds of years.”
“So, even a TIGER fades?”
“Well…the tiger won’t fade, because it won’t live long enough for that to happen, really. It would die before it could fade.”
“Does everything die?”
“Well. Yeah. All living things eventually die.”
“Hmmmm.”

—

Things 2011 was all about:
MORTALITY. Medicine. Marriage. Love. FAMILY. Fate. Money. Prosecco. Dancing. Reunions. Everyone turning 30. Shamelessness. Mojitos. Coffee, coldpress, lattes. KISMET. Jealousy. The Show Must Go On. POP MUSIC. Friends. Crashes. THE PAST. Darkness. Bicycles! Betta fish. Nice guns. “Better Brothers.” Professionals. Websites. The True Ten. “Planned Spontaneity.” Dishwashers! Water. HEAT. Snow. Just Keep Going. Percents. Grim Fridays (Jan, Nov, Dec, Dec). Terrific Tuesdays (Sept, Sept, Nov, Dec). Tall boots/trendfest-ness. 2/3/4/5-year-olds. GYMNASTS (always). Teenage Dreams. Drawing Club/Drawing. Income inequality. The amber of the moment. Love, love, love.

In many ways, 2011 was not our year, but in many other ways it totally was our year. We were together and that was what mattered most, now more than ever. We were healthy and we don’t take that for granted. We had jobs we liked and did well at and for which we were fairly compensated. We improved our beloved home, if in small ways; we got to spend time with dear family and friends. We had each other.

But we also went through so.much.shit. Right up ’til the end. Damn. DAMN.

I kind of did a summary of 2011 a few posts back (and it’s worth noting that the last 13 days of December that failed to make that post were rather eventful themselves. Family. Mortality. Love.), so I’m not sure what to make of this End Of The Year update. Perhaps some LISTS:

Important Songs (to me) in 2011:
Guest Room – The National
Fake Empire – The National
Racing Like a Pro – The National
Why Wait – Shakira
What Do You Go Home To – Explosions In The Sky
Six Days at the Bottom of the Ocean – Explosions In The Sky
Color of Roses – Beth Nielsen Chapman
All of the Lights – Kanye
Hey Ya! – OutKast (2003 HOLLA!)
Rolling In The Deep – Adele
Someone Like you – Adele
Club Can’t Handle Me
Social Network soundtrack, esp. Complication With Optimistic Outcome + Gentle Hum of Anxiety
Party Rock Anthem – LMFAO
Sprig of Thyme
Teenage Dream – Katy Perry
Vienna – Caspian
Epochs in Dmaj – Caspian
The Raven – Caspian
Are You That Somebody – Aaliyah (1998, WHAT UP!)
Alibi – Dessa
Crazy In Love – Beyonce (dancing with Jeff to this at the State Fair!)
Civilian – Wye Oak
Doubt – Wye Oak
No Light, No Light – Florence + The Machine
Heartlines – Florence + The Machine
Lyric Quartette (arr. G. Kostraba): II. the Quiet One
Possession – Sarah McLachlan
We R Who We R – Ke$ha

Cool moments from 2011:
– see: this blog. I think I did a damn fine job of recording it, yo ;).

Kickass professional things I managed to accomplish in 2011:
– made an iPhone app! From scratch! HELL YEAH!!
– attended AEA and loved every second
– (2nd job) ran some pretty terrific gymnastics classes with Diana and met some really awesome kids

Amazing books I read in 2011:
– Freedom
– The Corrections
& more, but I was obsessed with these two.

Important people in 2011:
– JEFF
– Jenny
– Stephie
– Diana
– COUSINS, esp. Katie, Christie, and Michael…and Ian (“Go Fish: A Game of the Unknown”)
– BETTER BROTHERS aka Erik
– Kelly
– “Internet Friends” 😉 including Cole
– Family, esp. Anna + Mason!
– Roommates! KLA quad 4-evah
– + all other friends…friends for a good time, friends who were willing to reunite / old friends become new friends again, True Ten friends, GD4 friends, Jeff’s friends, HITF friends, family/related friends…FRIENDS!

Resolutions? My 2011 goal was more or less to lower expectations, I believe, + I succeeded admirably, if against my will. 2012 goal? Survival. Also: read/write/draw. Also: attend Jenny’s wedding. 2012 also has: Olympics, election, AND another Dark Knight movie. So. Kind of terrific.

There is so much more to say but Jeff just noticed the big white flakes floating down for one last magical snow of 2011. “Yeah! Get the hell out of here, 2011! Come on 2012!” he said. Damn straight, dear love: here’s to 2012. HAPPY NEW YEAR. We welcome it with open arms and hopeful hearts.

“You speak your fears / thinking in circles”

—Warpaint (great new music discovery from Jeff!)

“It is important that we come to an understanding, of which there is none.”

—Michael J. and I, 12-26-99

Generally unsettled, generally up and down. I should find that chart and finish it up.

Ahhh, there we go. Well. 4 good months out of 12 ain’t bad, eh? And at least the baseline at the EOY ended up a slight bit higher than the start. (Or did it? Whatevs.)

Xmas with my familia was a delightful time and I enjoyed just about every second. I was so happy to have Jeff with me the entire time after some plans making it look like that might not work out. So. Gratefulness etc. We hung out an extra day and saw Young Adult with my parents, which was quite good (my beloved city in the movie! Yeah yeah yeah!! I’m a sucka, I even saw them filming this one last year), and then made them dinner/hung out with our various devices. I came home from Target that evening to find my Dad/Jeff sprawled out watching Three Stooges. LOVE. Also got to have lunch with Katy/Rob which was great. Fun fun fun/adult adult adult (ha HA HA)! And working on Jenny’s wedding, yay. And lots of nice gifts. As usual I am spoiled.

Unfortunately we did not escape the 11 final days of 2011 without a little bit more about mortality. It is not my place to share here but man, MORTALITY. Awful. 2011, I shake my fist.

I then had to confess my Democratic tendencies (AKA Dem craziness) to my familia/Grandma at Extended Mason Xmas and it went over better than I thought. Unless I am out of the Family. HA.

Anyway.

Back at it, back at it.

Life, life.

Oh 2011, just be over!

& HBD Mike B!

ETA: I think I may have overstated my happiness level at the end of that Chart above. Oh well.

ETA2: Please get Path and be my Path friend. (Download the app to your smartphone – must have a camera enabled – yes, this is Ultimate Snobbery. A newer iPod Touch would work, too.) Path is way way cool and you should use it. I only have 3 Path friends, 2 of whom are my former bosses; I want MORE!

“No, you’re not out of the family. You’re just misguided.”

—Grandma, 12/24/11, re: me being a Democrat

“Ian! Now I can’t take the picture.”

—Jane, 12/24/11, after Ian fell flat on his back from Erik’s shoulders

“Who wants to play Go Fish: Game of the Unknown.”

—Ian, 12/24/11

“My! My! Time flies! A new day is on its way / so let’s let yesterday go”

—Enya

“And when we worry / and we can’t sleep / we’ll count our blessings / instead of sheep / and we’ll / fall asleep / counting our blessings”

—Ray Conniff singers

Wow. Is Christmas Eve already? (14 years of this already?)

Today I woke up, warm safe sheltered. With my love. Drove in the gold rising sunlight as he slept in the car beside me. Arrived at a place I’ve visited many a time in my Christmases past, to be with people who’ve known me for almost every one. Ate and ate and ate (as genetics command). Was ushered into the basement to eat more, shared secrets and struggles with one cousin, traded tech tips and jokes with others. Found myself in an intense political debate with an uncle, saved by aunts, arguing about teacher pay and taxes, confessed my status as a Democrat to my Grandma who then got up and left (a coincidence, but still funny). Back upstairs to make fun of another aunt’s four crazy kids (as she threatened payback one day…we will see), receive yet another slightly dirty Xmas gift from my ‘twin’ cousin, reminisce about Christmases as toddlers/etc, laugh at my dad for his gift-shopping-ON-XMAS skillz, participate in a weigh-off/guess my weight. Demanded an awkward family photo. Said goodbyes and happy New Year.

Drove on in the setting sun, looking at lights, laughing with my husband, my sister, my almost-brother-in-law. Home to a house with shining gifts, old Christmas tree bulbs, a stocked kitchen, chips in the coat closet (???). Parents who insist on going out at 7pm on Christmas Eve for more Bloody Mary mix (but don’t announce their departure??). Sister who chops and giggles and sets up Monopoly. Eating and laughing and building empires and “death row.” Competition to the end, cleaning up, joked about underwear in the hallway with my sister. Then snuggled in bed with my love once more.

Talked quietly by the tree with my husband about how lucky we both felt to have each other, to have made it through this year, its wild tests.

Today was a great day. Merry Christmas, friends.

“My! My! Time flies! Maybe we could be there soon, a one way ticket to Mars” / “My! My! Time flies! A new day is on its way, so let’s let yesterday go”

—Enya (thanks Jeff)

My! My! Time flies! One step and we’re on the moon, next step into the stars
My! My! Time flies! Maybe we could be there soon, a one way ticket to mars

My! My! Time flies! A man in a winter sleigh, white white white as the snow
My! My! Time flies! A new day is on its way, so let’s let yesterday go
Could be we step out again
Could be tomorrow but then,
Could be 2010
—Enya

“Alexis — / Early this morning, the last of our troops left Iraq.”

—Barack Obama’s automated email…makes me want to cry. THANK YOU.

“Werewolf” “Vampire!” / “You find it in a tree…” “Pickle!” “Yes!” / “Male STD” “…” “It was crab!”

—Taboo, 12/16/11

“. . . Ummmmmm….in conclusion: We never know what the future holds in store for us. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.”

—Michael J., 4/25/03

time 11:44 AM feeling scattered wearing plaid pajamas reading Cherry music Xmas, esp. the one from the crazy scene in the Office Xmas episode (TSO song) ready for 2012 next swim

You hear all this talk about those three little words, but what about those 6?
“Now let me ask you this”
Or these 6?
“I made the whole thing myself”
Or those 5?
“It Is What It Is”
Or those 9?
“OK so now I’m going to tell you something”

Anyway.

—

EOTY (minus 13 days):
Woke up. It was dark and cold. It was January.

Devastation.

Devastation.

Snow snow snow snow snow record-breaking snow snow snow. Sewing. Tears. Skating. Snow snow snow.

San Francisco. Hope and adoration. Support and surprises. Tackling niece and nephew. Darlings. Family. Love.

Devastation.

Crying in a Noodles. Diana Diana Diana. Attending info sessions. Investigating options. Making phone calls.

And then. It was Spring. There was Hope.

Making plans.

Coloring eggs. Leaning on each other. Hugs. Family. 28-year-old Jenny. Wedding planning. Hanging Out with Jeff…always Jeff. Reliving my youth in Madison with Katy. Workaholic Memorial Day weekend.

June. Reunions. Daniel moves here and in 3 hours, 11 years disappear and we’re friends again. Chloe graduates – she’s too young; I’m too old; youth-beauty-caffeine-money; green gowns, gold rope, bright cheers. Family. Love. Sarah and Trent get married and the True Ten reunites for the first time in 7 years. 10 faces in a circle. Intense incredible amazingness. Happy tears for Sarah. Overwhelming emotion. Smuggling alcohol and dancing like fiends and laughing way into the night, into the drive. Surreal.

July and prosecco and SOCIAL LIFE. 4th and fence dancing and boa-constrictor fireworks with Erik. The DINK life. Technology (“a-yo!”), pop music. Teenage dreams. Up North and riding bikes through the woods. Debt ceiling. Chicago, trawling around with Jenny and Andra, more reunions. Andrea as beautiful and still as ever. Chris and Yuyun’s wedding, cousins I hadn’t seen in decades, dancing the night away in joy. More cousins a week later at Devil’s Lake, swimming with Anna “A-bomb” and talking about how everything dies/fades eventually, Mason with his namesakes. Family. Mortality. Love.

Crazy dizzy wide-awake coldpress-fueled summer. Happy. Happy! HAPPY!! Happier than I’ve felt in years.

August it comes crashing down, along with the stock market. Fight fight fight it off. Always Jeff by my side no matter what I put him through. An Event Apart/1998-dreams-I-didn’t-know-existed and remembering why you came. This Is Where. Nationals and sangria and Diana. Injury and wedding and then a dark dark dark few weeks. Just when you think you’d figured it out… you realize it could be worse. So much worse. Terror. Duathlon. Terror. State Fair in spite of fear.

September, October. BEST DAY EVER! September, you are my friend!!! LUCKY. A beautiful future of Hanging Out with Jeff. THE BEST. Surprises and murder mystery and surprise guests. Jenny!! Perfect 30th. Sneaky Jeff. Happy happy. Off to North Shore. Majestic, mystical. Bikes and sitting on Gooseberry. Love. Books and Wye Oak and EITS concert. Costumes and hot coffee. Creepy surgeon. So running?! Most adorable little parks gym class yet. iPhone app “I made the whole thing myself!” YES.

November. “Happy 3 years. I can’t wait to die in a volcano with you.” Ha! Most Epic Wish Ever. No bullshit party. Eurozone. Out of nowhere dark dark darkness closing in, this time without reason. Trapped by your own self. It is dark and it just keeps getting darker. Who can you trust? Survival mode. Hot HOT yoga. Thanksgiving. Thanks taking. Taking taking taking.

December. 34. Goingsofastgoingsofastsofastsofastsofast. HITF socializing. Hosting birthdays and Xmas get togethers. Jeff Jeff Jeff love love love. Family. Mortality. Christmas. Up and down.

2011.

—

EOT Past Few Days:
Friday. Cannot make myself get out of bed. F these dark Northern days. Fight fight fight. Bargain with myself and say “Self, if you get out of bed, you can put a cute bun in your hair and wear a cute outfit.” This works. Up and at them, albeit a bit late after yoga and bun-making. To the office! The office is cheery and festive. Finish up some work, off to lunch with Tiffany at Moose and Sadie’s. Quesadillas YES! Long chatter and gossip. Back to work, back to work. Participate in speculation/roundtable on local economy and politics. LOVE IT. Day is cut short by good work news and surprises. LOVE IT TOO. I work for wonderful people.

Off to the work Xmas party. Arrive and find there is not enough alcohol. Patti and Joe and Kara and I leave to remedy this. Thank you Surdyk’s! Back with wine and the fun begins. Homemade Korean food, meats, Greek. Chit chat about living situations/Roseville/”Moundsview school district!” Lots of fun. Crowd is slowly getting younger which I appreciate as do the other ‘youngsters’ (note: I am the 2nd youngest). People start to leave, host insists that NO ONE ELSE CAN LEAVE and passionately begins a game of Taboo which turns into the Most Hilarious Evening Ever. Laughing to tears. So many smart nerds. LOVE LOVE LOVE IT.

Drive Joe back to his car and talk about our inappropriate workplace jokes and alcohol intake. 30s man. Joe and I would have been friends in HS. Home to Jeff and a Wrapping Party!!! Crack open a beer and make a plate of cheese curds and get to work in the basement. Amazing wrapping party! “We’re a team!” Awesome. Cash in and order pizza after all our Hard Work and watch the railroad show. Awesome hangout night. Asleep.

Saturday: HBD STEPHIE! Delayed start. Good stuff. More wrapping and cleanup. Off to the gym! Super SUPER intense rowing/biking workout. I just can’t stop my body sometimes, it gets addicted. ADDICTED! Peppermint mocha, get ready for Xmas/Bday partying/dinner. Cook cook cook. Hurry hurry hurry. Ready! Jack and Laureen arrive for a very pleasant and wonderful evening of good food, good gifts, and good chatter. I’ve been having a lot of fun with them lately. I NAIL IT with a pretty swell dinner, too. Risotto, lemon-brown sugar chicken, asparagus! Not perfect but hey, I’m only 30 man. Getting good though.

Off to look at lights, find some beautiful ones along Calhoun/Isles/Harriet after trawling along Lake (WTF?). Ooooh fancy. Ooooh snobbery. (Me too, secret Southwest snob.)

Home and it is MOVIE NIGHT!!! Pop some South Dakota popcorn. Make ginger ale-cherry cocktails. Curl up for Movie Night! Feels so decadent and wonderful. Movie was pretty good/cute kids (Super 8) anyway. Watch some Friends (ha ha ha). Pass out.

Sunday today. Gotta get going. Read Trike’s blog. He impresses me every day. His amazing life. He is really NAILING IT. Coffee, cupcake, yogurt. Dozing by the tree. Updating. Off to swim. ADIOS.

HAPPY 39 (a day late) STEPHIE!!!

“Oh if you knew what it meant to me / oh if you knew what it meant to me / oh if you knew what it meant to me / you would see, too”

—Dark Dark Dark, Daydreaming

“So what have you been up to lately?”
“I made an iPhone app.”
“NO! No way…did you really??”
“Yep, I did.”
“Wait, like, you made the WHOLE THING?”
“Yep, I did.”
“By yourself?!”
“Yep.”
“Like, in Flash to…”
“Nope, Xcode. Yep, seriously.”
“Oh my God!”

Impressing developer friends = highlight of my week. 😀

Nonhighlight of my week = realizing that sometimes I don’t really like who I am very much.

Show must go on / just keep swimming / hang in there / no feeling is final / etc…

Resilience.

I need more resilience in my life…well, in me.

Luckily I am sort of working on this. Which is good, since it is a key method of Survival.

Anyway.

The power went out at 5:45 this morning at our house. I am very very grateful that (a) it was 36 degrees and not 3 (which is what it was, like, the week before) (b) that it is now coming back on (c) that I have a powered, heated office to enjoy (d) that I lead a luxurious life that did not make this difficult to deal with (e) that Jeff knows how to open the garage sans power.

(I should learn how to do these things. I love Jeff and being married to Jeff but man, there are some things I no longer know how to do. Not good.)

I know it’s Jeff who had a birthday/is on a new year, but somehow I feel that I am with him. Here’s to new possibilities in a new year!

And
Resilience.

“What is something worth living for?” / “More life.”

—formspring

“A vision of the universe that tells us, undeniably, how tiny, and insignificant and how … rare, and precious we all are!”

—Ellie Arroway, Contact

Not a week after I whine about the Catholic church and its woman-hate, the Strib has a local feature on Minnesota Womenpriests and their defiance of Catholic law. Hm. Curiouser and curiouser.

Anyway.

“2011: a slog, with little to show for it.” This has been said of Congress, but we’ll take it, too. That all said, today is another Terrific Tuesday as it is JEFF’S BIRTHDAY. Today he leaves 33 behind and brings forth good ol’ majestic…

Sorry, I know that is insanely annoying. I will take it down soon.

34! A great number! If I say so myself.

EOTPastFewDays:

Yesterday was a day off of baking, making 34 truffles for Jeff, shopping, working out, watching movies (Nightmare Before Christmas and Contact…love!), making chili, generally being a #trophywife. It was a great day.

Prior to that was the Actual Weekend which consisted of wrapping gifts (LOVE! I will probably wrap your gifts for you if provide supplies and treats, FYI), spending a solid 5 hours with JENNY! which made my Saturday…she is so wonderful!, seeing Liz and Alex’s new house, hanging out with Jeff, cooking risotto in the crock pot to try it out, having Sue and Erik over for Jeff’s birthday, being by the Christmas tree in the beautiful cozy Christmasified house, feeling better Saturday and almost ecstatic Sunday (where oh where do these moods come from??! I wish I knew!), cleaning the house and being a Team (“we were a team!”), and other things. I also had Friday off. It’s a good life.

Prior to that was The Week, which included an amazing Whiskey Wednesday with Diana, and Thursday teaching Hannah and Shawney baranis at Edison. I also burned my face and wrist. Healing very quickly though.

This week: Paella for Jeff’s BIRTHDAY tonight!, “Little Circle Uprising” HH w/ Anna + Pete tomorrow then dinner w/ Diana, HH w/ fabulous 40ish-year-olds (jk) Thursday, making me glad I am 30/Catching Up (Dawn/Angela/Mary Lou), then work party Friday, then having Jack and Laureen over Saturday. 4 day workweek, 3 day workweek, 2 day workweek, 2012. Whew.

For all of the less-cool things that happened in 2011, we’ve had some pretty darn good things, too. We are very very lucky, in many ways. I have a hard time remembering that sometimes so it’s worth it to write it down. Somewhere.

And now, an Ode to Jeff:

Jeff is the Best!
He is better than all the Rest!
He truly passes the Test!
Of being…THE BEST!

Happy birthday Jeff! Also HBD to Ben Bernanke who is 58 today.