lxforever

“I drown myself in sorrow / as I look at what you’ve done / nothing’ seems to change / bad times stay the same / and I can’t run // Sometimes I feel / Sometimes I feel / like I’ve been tied / to the whipping post! / tied / to the whipping post!”

—Allman Bros … again, always a good song no matter the January

An Olympic cycle is 4 years. FYI. Grinding on.

FTR/for the purposes of recording THE PAST: January 2009 was a shitshow. At least in the office. Drama drama drama and intensity, plus the economic meltdown, made it so. So much so that Tom “Todd” and I at one point made a playlist that included things like “In The Hall of the Mountain King” and “Whipping Post” to remind us of just how insane everything was.

In case you had forgotten.

Anyway. Trike talked about a spell of depression and boy do I know that. Good times. I’m not really interested in going too far into it, but I do think that a few good ol’ lists may help out here.

Also: I feel that the idea of ‘survival mode’/the new year’s goal of Survival has not been fully understood. So that shall be part of this recap/listing. Stay Tuned Below.

A LIST OF THINGS ABOUT WHICH I AM WORRYING:
– taking too much/exhausting the amazing resources that is select loving friends and family members
– destroying other relationships
– how to deal with our crazy 3yo 6pm beginner class
– that I am turning into something Evil
– too much more to even list.

A LIST OF WHAT ‘SURVIVAL MODE’ IS ABOUT:
– being only in social situations where I fully trust the people/outcome of the situation
– (related to the above) AVOIDING situations (generally social) that make me uncomfortable/bring up disquieting thoughts…I have enough of these on my own, thankyouverymuch
– Flaking Out when I anticipate such a Situation and/or when I am not feeling quite right (this = unpredictable, unfortunately). This is troubling, as one of my most esteemed qualities (supposedly) is that I do NOT flake, however, I hope that my years of not being a Flake make up for this new, sad behavior. Whatever.
– Sunlight light
– Getting enough SLEEP
– MORE than I can list and other things that relate to…
– Pulling Out All The Stops.

PULLING OUT ALL THE STOPS (incomplete):
– caffeine and/or…
– …some kind of ‘treat’ of some type
– PHYSICAL ACTIVITY in varying forms
– resting and/or meditating
– reading WhenParentsText.com
– comfy but cute clothes (today: sweater dress over flannel-lined tights under leggings with boots). COMFORTABLE FASHION to survive the Day.
– writing (witness: this; also in SEKRET blog/privately)
– watching Shameless if I can or something like that
– calling on certain friends/my LOVER (Thank You!) if necessary
– gossipy fun lunch with work friends if at work
– more that I can’t think of right now.

THINGS I WOULD LIKE/AM ON THE LOOKOUT FOR:
NOTE: This is very selfish as I have a high quality life with high quality people WHO give more than they ought; nevertheless… ALSO this list is incomplete…very.
– A friend/person who is willing to send me cheesy motivational quotes unprovoked from time to time. I thought of this while I was on the Expresso bike at the gym and it had cheesy motivational quotes posted along the fake-bike-path. It is dumb but it really PUMPED me UP!
– A friend/person who is willing to send me encouraging Statistics and reassuring Information from time to time
– more good crockpot recipes that are mostly vegetable based. Or ‘crackpot’. You know, whatever.

^ I guess that’s about it. Perhaps there is a bot that can accomplish the first two above. If you are/know of these things, please let me know.

FIGHT!

“$AAPL owners, how does it feel to own gold producing more gold?”

AWESOME + more awesome!

Apple…you kind of scare me. You are…a COUNTRY.

TODAY ON GCHAT:
Jenny:
“i just had a major fail
drinking water from your water bottle you gave me
and spilled it all ove rmy keyboard
br
b”
Alexis:
“oh god!!!!!”

TODAY IN THE MAIL:
A thank-you note from Barb/Steve that included Monopoly tips from Steve and joy about get-togethers from Barb.

Yes.

“And since she’s 5, she doesn’t have to make any hard decisions yet.” / “I don’t have to make any hard decisions for 24 years…til I’m 29.”

—Isabella, 1/21/12…basically, she’s right, as we all agreed!

“Heaven help me / For the way I am / Save me from these evil deeds / before I get them done / I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand / But I keep livin’ this day like the next will never come”

—Fiona Apple, Criminal

“Hard like geometry, and trigonometry / this is crazy psychology”

—will.i.am, The Hardest Ever…sorry, this line just cracks me up

time 9:31 pm feeling both content and unsettled…somehow wearing ballerina clothes reading Infinite Jest…sort of music pop music!!! + now Fiona Apple ready for staying up and watching ‘Friends’ next bah, probably go to bed

UMN meet with Isabella and her family was a huge success! Of course. Diana and I walked in just as the meet was starting and as we were taking our seats, saw Isabella in her Gopher gear waving her arms like CRAZY…how could we miss her?! HA! Spent the rest of the meet with her, her mom and dad, and her brother. All adorable and totally awesome. Highlights include: her constantly tapping Diana’s shoulder to ask a question, showing off our earrings (yes we dressed up for the occasion…ha), her telling us we looked ‘different’ (Diana pulls her hair back ‘does this help??’ LOL), her/her brother singing along to Florence and the Machine and Colbie Calliat, her brother following the meet with interest and for numbers purposes (Yeah!!), her parents who were also way into the meet and way cool (duh!), and talking about how gymnasts ‘get right back up and try again!’. Also tallying up the sparkles on the leotards and how ‘more sparkles is better’. Nonhighlights include: Michigan’s total splatfest, the girl tearing her Achilles on double arabian, and UMN’s inability to beat even a totally-falling-apart Michigan. OOPS. A great night!

Yesterday was also more hot yoga with Jeff. LOVE IT. Thanks Jeff!

Today was another taking-it-questionably-too-far in the physical activity department day. This happens, duh. Rowing (beat my record!), followed by interval running (take that, PCL sucka) followed by lifting. (No swimming for some reason, thanks UMN.) I came home and was totally wiped out. But like I’ve said…sometimes I can’t stop my body and it does what it does. ADDICTED TO ENDORPHINS, etc.

OTHER THINGS:

– Today I also did an awful lot of food-making/bread-making/etc. Lovely Sunday!

– Jeff discovered that a logo he made is on the Skyrim box. REALLY cool. YEAH JEFF!

– Erik made a request that we call and/or visit anytime. So I called him to discuss chili, Jazzercise, drawing, and Republican candidates. After Jeff had already called him to discuss chili hamburgers and chili in the summer. Chili chili chili.

– Clearly we ate chili for dinner.

– I accidentally locked myself in the bathroom today. I don’t even know why I locked it. But when I called out HELP!, Jeff just laughed an evil laugh (before eventually setting me free). Hmmmmmmm….

– I feel fairly confident that 2012 is like 2004, except in the favor of DEMS (in terms of White House). HOLLA! I declared this fact to a few people at work Friday. Obviously I’ve got a bit too much swagger…

“Where’s my f-ing clap / where’s my encore?!”

VOILA! / “Wha-lah!” / OUT! HBD Katie D!

“sweet 17
sour 29
and I can’t explain myself
what I’d hoped to find
you were all so kind
when I was near

And if you’re still feeling down
then maybe I need me around
to love and hold you
don’t say I hadn’t told you so
maybe I need me around”
—Smashing Pumpkins

“Yeah, they say hello, they say hola, and they say bonjour / I’m pissed I never got to fly on a concord”

—Tinie Tempeh, Pass Out

“Don’t wear that shirt, because it has holes in it.”

—Isabella

1997. (1998? 1999?)
Really all I wanted was to be a great gymnast. And all I could see, or think, was this:

Why I am struggling with these skills at 15, at 16, at 17? When I ‘should’ have mastered them years ago, like my 10-, 11-, 14-year-old teammates? Why is 10-year-old Kristine able to do this and not me?

What’s wrong with me? When will I catch up?

As it turned out, I would never catch up, necessarily, and yet surpassed them all at once…that old friend, tenacity, hard at work. “Keep Plugging Away”

At the time it seemed that nothing else mattered other than Nicole could do series, Kristine could do front layouts, when they wanted, how they wanted. But somehow, and quickly, that all dissipated, and I had a fantastic, fun career.

Perspective. Time.

It was my career, not theirs. Who cares if they could do things? That wasn’t my body and that wasn’t my life. Eventually…I figured this out.

Years later I feel nothing but great and wonderful things about all those years in JO gymnastics, for all of the struggles and comparisons and jealousy. At the time, a lot of it stung, but you know what? It only did because it was important. It WAS _that_ important. It was one of the best times in my life and I wouldn’t change a thing.

Perspective.

…

Moving along. Yesterday was a little drama. Such is my life. However. Something amazing also happened this week. Isabella found out that Diana and I were attending the UMN-UMich meet Saturday, just as SHE was. She was THRILLED beyond thrilled and demanded that we ’email her’ and meet up with her (and her mom)(NOTE: Isabella is 5). Since we love her and her mom, this shall come true, however, the cutest/most hilarious things were this:

1. Isabella asking Diana “how did you get so GOOD!” in total awe, after declaring SHE TOO would be a collegiate gymnast one day. (This girl = me 25 years ago…ADORABLE, she is barely 5 and already OBSESSED. LOVE IT.)

2. Isabella then telling us what to wear. I can’t really get into it but it was seriously Too. Freaking. Funny. (And now I’m actually kind of worried about my outfit for Saturday…)

…

I have nothing to worry about today and that feeling is freaking me out. Ha ha ha.

Also, it is very cold.

Happy January!

Enduring Unpleasantness. Is this a ruse, or the Real Thing?

The Universe is testing me. Fight, fight!

“Every birthday is a milestone, a march toward decrepitude and death” -coworker, on whether or not his recent birthday was a ‘milestone’ birthday.

HA!

“I know everybody lets you down / I’ll do the same / but know I’ll always be around / this can remain the same / Call me when you need me / call me anything you want / darling believe me / nothing I haven’t done before”

—Florence + The Machine

“On the other side of a street I knew / stood a girl that looked like you / this must be déjà vu / but I thought this can’t be true / ’cause / Oh I swear to you / I’ll be there for you / this is not a drive by”

—Train, Drive By…yes I like this song, yes I bought this song, yes I am thoroughly embarrassed (but obviously not so much so…)(FTR, Jeff hates it, ha ha)

“I’m Alexis.” “Her name is Lexi, actually.”

—me/Alyssa, 1/14/12…she has a point!

time 1:30 pm feeling good wearing black leggings, red stripey jacket from Alyssa from yore reading Infinite Jest…actually Little Girls in Pretty Boxes b/c I am a loser, thanks Gymnastics Season music misc BAD POP MUSIC as always, also Zelda right now ready for swimming, bread that doesn’t fail next swim, check bread

How is it that some people know just the right words to say? Amazing. It can make me want to cry. These are the kind of people for whom I am overwhelmingly grateful in my life. Lucky lucky.

Anyway. /emofest

I just: backed up my ‘other’ SEKRET blog (ha ha ha!) via Python (?apparently?), made what I think it some terrible bread ([possibly] rising), had a dance party with(for?) Jeff while he tried/failed to revive his dying Powerbook (‘panic; We are hanging here…’), ate a brownie and Fage for breakfast, did some Chores, and bought TICKETS TO SAN FRAN for March and CHICAGO for February. WHAT UP 2012!!!!!

Anyway. It is high time for an update. I’ve had two smashingly successful weekends in a row, and for January this is quite a feat. Not without some usual little drama mixed in (We R Who We R/I am who I am, after all??), but hardly a thing in terms of January. F yes!!! But let’s not get too comfortable. This is probably not destined to continue. Caution, caution, etc. BUT, I will take what I can get.

SIDE NOTE/SIDEBAR: ‘LX’ in Roman Numerals is 60. That’s pretty lame, but at least it’s a multiple of 3? I guess I’ll have to have a smashing 60th bday party, then…

Here are some things that have made this weekend great:
– Early morning yoga + then coffee w/ Alyssa yesterday. This was really good for many reasons and I am very grateful. She is really Nailing It too so that makes me very happy. FRIENDS!
– Shopping for Valentines! ohhhhh pretty paper…
– Long phone conference between me, Diana, and Jeff about her TV purchase…she made the purchase, friends! Beautiful plasma coming her way! Love that Jeff got so into it. Also love that she did some anniversary celebrating by buying a TV (‘ohhh that was The Night!!!’)
– Lots of cooking and prepping yesterday for…
– …DINNER PARTY w/ Sarah L.! Great, great times. She is a doll and we all had so much fun (‘they don’t show what’s he’s doing OFF screen…!’). She is Jeff’s friend from many moons ago, but I hope she is my friend too. I loved listening to them reminisce about their HS/early college days and plot to see Titanic again (15 years?!), too. And talk about the house blowups in Bourne movies. And feed them. And drink vinho verde.
– VINHO VERDE!
– Goofing off with Jeff this morning
– Jeff’s Zelda marathon yesterday. So sad it is over! But how he loves it! It was a beautiful ending too.
– Listening to bad pop songs over and over and over….. (‘Pass Out’, ‘Hangover’, ‘Drive By’…yeah I know) “where’s my f-ing clap / where’s my encore?!”
– I have tomorrow off!!! I keep forgetting this!! YES!
– soup + railroad show finale tonight

Gymnastics amazingness: will be in Chicago for Chicago Style!! I first attended that meet when it was still at a high school and I was a terrible first year level 9 (1999). Now that Jenny lives by where it is held (Navy Pier) and it is such a HUGE meet, I am not just excited to see JJ but also to relive JO days…ha. ALSO: Region 4 Regionals are here in April! I may also attend this. JO DAYS HOLLA! ALSO fell in L O V E with our new ‘advanced beginning’ preschool class at Parks. I seriously love all of those girls So. Freakin’. Much. !!! (And their moms, ha ha.)

Coming up:
– Roommate JAZZERCISE! Yeah!
– Drinks/dinner w/ Cole!
– Pardon My French with Kelly Friday, yeahhhh
– UMN vs UMich gymn meet Saturday

Other things that are great:
– A husband who will do _anything_ for me (and who cracks me up every single day)
– Friends who I know I can call at any time
– Friends who know just what to say
– Gophers beat Hoosiers (basketball)
– UMN beat UND (hockey). WHOA!!!
– Optimistic realism / REALITY
– Upcoming trips to SAN FRANCISCO and CHICAGO are BOOKED!!!! YEAH!!

That’s it for now. Out to swim.

“making miracles is hard work / most people give up / before they happen”

—Sheryl Crow, Maybe That’s Something…yes I have no shame

“I must become a lion hearted girl / ready for a fight / before I make the final sacrifice”

—Florence + The Machine, Rabbit Heart

“One friend came in / out of nowhere, with lit / sparklers in both her hands for me / and saved the day / when I had run away / to envy and black feelings // And the world at night / could see the greatest light / too much light to deny.”

—The Innocence Project, July

time 11:36 AM feeling exhausted wearing red white and blue…weirdly reading back to Infinite Jest I guess music misc January stuff ready for SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEP next work

Hello. Nothing sinister happened. I think after 50 solid weeks of Events in 2011, I am just paranoid/waiting for the proverbial ‘other shoe’ to drop in on 2012. However, I cannot live like this forever. So. I assume eventually it will let up.

In the meantime… ‘paranoia paranoia everyone is coming to get me!’

Anyway. Instead, yesterday was rife with emotions. YES I am an annoyingly EMO person!!!!!, if this blog has not taught you that much, I don’t know why you bother, ha ha ha. NO, nothing happened to trigger said day of gratefulness/reflection/whatever, it just existed. And I existed in it. Quite a good feeling, actually, but I know I can’t put it into words so I won’t try.

Yesterday I also finished my first book of 2012. The Book Thief. Recommended by Sarah L. (A YA novel I believe.) I cried at the end. For those of you keeping track at home, yes, that is the 4th straight new book in a row that I’ve finished that has made me cry (My Friend Leonard, Corrections, Freedom [no I never finished the Mary Karr books, oops. Typical]). I am still thinking about the characters. Yes, I am turning into emo, sentimental, old-lady mush. Really it is all about Having Each Other which is more or less the note all of these books ended on. All you have is yourself and the people in your life, in the end.

LIFE!

And mush.

Last weekend was hot/killer yoga with Jeff(love!), lots of reading, UMN meet w/ Diana!, and a fine swim. Coming up: yoga with Alyssa (early risers!), dinner party with Sarah L, more reading. Possibly skating. No gymnastics meet (UMN, not me!) this weekend though. Possibly making Valentines.

ON THAT NOTE: Do you want a Valentine? If so, please send me your address and I will send you one. This is a real, paper Valentine, FYI, and I am happy to make them for anyone.

This is a terrible update and I blame it on being in a sleep trap. I am totally overtired for no good reason. Coffee has failed to do the trick. I prescribe more sleep, at least whatever is possible tomorrow/Friday. Tonight: parks is back on. Come on little 3-year-olds…

Happy Wednesday! W.O.Weds. ‘Watch out for that knife.’