lxforever

Title of post: what one of my coworkers/friends ‘got’ for her birthday today. It’s going to be THAT kind of a post, so, here we go.

The summer of going to lunch every day? Post practice, Pizza Hut buffet, Indian food, whatever. Post lunch, teaching classes, more chalk dust, more gymnastics, then out out out all night til it ended. The summer of waiting for Baby2 to join us on Earth? She pulsed, she pushed, she grew, bouncing around in darkness, faint ship quivering on water emblazoned with her name. Summer when the bridge fell down, painting doors in Diana’s basement, summer when HITF ended, summer when even more changes came at work. Summer when Preschooler1 was Baby1 and was growing and going in the stroller and sleeping sleepily and lazily and heading down to see Grandpa’s doctors and hoping for a miracle (got it!). Summer when we buried LeRoy, summer when we had a pizza and pool party in Burlington, summer when we were lonely but together. Summer summer summer.

“There’s no point in worrying about it” lol

That’s it!

“His true passion was loving and raising his family. He was most proud of all they did together.”

—LeRoy The Great’s obituary

First, a roundup of retrospectives:
2014: Only notable for the MARIOKART reference
2013: A most fantastic chapter indeed / awaiting Baby1
2012: Shitty-ass May 2012 / pre-kids bonanza
2011: Classic workaholic homebodies Memorial Day fest
2010: Workaholics again / graveyard diggin’
2007: Missing. This is the day/weekend we got engaged SO it’s notable! But missing.
2006: JENNY VISITS!!!
2003: Back from EUROTRASHtour (jk)
2000: “PARTY ROOM!”, dwarf arms, etc.

Second, a short good ol’-fashioned update. I am writing this in the precarious position of hoping the kids stay asleep, while Jeff plays Zelda #BreathOfTheWild in all its gorgeousness and glory. It’s almost like having a meditative backdrop to my computer work, minus the random attacks of bokoblins and arrow-slinging. Anyway. We’ve had a fantastic weekend, and in the SPIRIT OF THE PAST, I am going to attempt to update without sacrificing as much privacy as I used to. GO!

EOTW:
My Memorial Day Weekend 2017 (like it’s some fancy-ass party or something, lol) got off to a great start when I took Friday off. (And the Thursday/eve before, I took the kids to the park to see my coworker/friend J, neat.) Anyway. Friday wound up being about random errands, random phone calls, and a couple of appointments, with a bike ride mixed in. HOWEVER, I capped it off with a SPLENDID and delicious happy hour with Terrae and Sara at The Lowbrow, complete with friend-therapy, new haircuts (not me, I was slumming), sangria, and beet salad. AMAZING! We also sat outside. Just exactly what I needed. Picked up the kids from daycare, made the fam some excellent BLTs, and goofed off in the playroom for awhile with Preschooler1 and Baby2. We have no idea what we did then, Jeff just said “did we go to bed early like a bunch of losers? Can’t remember.” Spot-on, Jeff.

Saturday after a questionable night of sleep there was a morning of a little MarioKart followed by napping(Baby2)/working out(parents)/playing in various places around where Mommy was working out while Mommy said “I’m not playing right now, I’m working out sweetie” repeatedly (Preschooler1). The quest for monkey bar domination continues! Finally everyone got their act together/woke up and we were off to the family picnic. Roll call! Basically all of the Burkes including the newest/youngest one and also an incubating one, plus CB+parents+kids. Yesssssss! Babies met and kids sort of played and we all ate great food and got bit up (by bugs not babies). Our super scooter rider demanded we go home after awhile and so we did. After some more playing/chores/napping, we managed to be late for swimming AGAIN, BUT ‘teacher evaluation week’ saved us and we weren’t. Score!! Baby2 and Preschooler1 are pretty good swimmers (I mean, for a baby/preschooler) and that is neat. Off to 5 Guys! Baby2 had her first French fry and we had our first ‘beautiful family’ compliment – a young gentleman came up to us to ask how old Baby2 was, mention his wife was 8 weeks pregnant (awwww cute!) and said “you have a beautiful family”. Awwww! Awesome. Yogurt Lab as a follow up, then grocery store and home to put kids to bed/watch a movie with stolen (from the picnic! NOT the store!) popcorn. Manchester By The Sea. Killer sad, horrible score, but decently done movie in a fairly real-life fashion. Mostly just nice to sit with Jeff on the couch for 2+ hours and watch a movie! Awesome!

Woke up Sunday tired as always but off to get COFFEE!! We all dressed and hit up the Richfield Caribou for egg sandwiches, poppy seed bread, and COLD PRESS/mocha(Jeff)! Immediately we hit it off with barista, who adored Baby2’s name, then we bonded over videogames, then as I shared my coffee with Preschooler1, Barista Lady gave me ANOTHER high five, saying she’d been drinking coffee since she was 2 also. Well then! What a grand time. She was also expecting a baby which was awesome. BABIES IN 2017 (mostly Nov/Dec at this point, FWIW). Ate up then headed to Fort Snelling Cemetery. By taking a wrong turn, Jeff wound up finding the BEST BACK WAY EVER into the Cemetery and we got right up to see his Grandpa’s grave. Introduced Baby2 and said some nice words and talked about death with Preschooler1. I wish I had met his Grandpa! Left me thinking about LeRoy a lot and how much I miss him. What a guy.

(Give thanks for this paragraph break) Nap skippage occurred and we found ourselves at Home Depot, getting a little lost but also playing with doors/etc. Finally home, Baby2 napped while Jeff worked out, then Preschooler1 and I zipped off to the plant store. PLANTS! Her patience was a little thin, which was fine, and we wound up with many pink flowers as well as a couple of pinwheels. NICE! Then a stop at the park for “just Mommy” time on the way home. The wading pool was filled up and we couldn’t help ourselves. Then did a lot of restaurant-ing/swinging/etc. Breezy and beautiful and sunny and fun. Home! Baby2 was up, yardwork was to be done, salad was to be made/eaten, and Erik arrived. Yay!!! The afternoon was spent playing inside/outside/riding the scooter/napping/cuddling/eating/etc., planted flowers with my very interested helper of Preschooler1, then playing MARIOKART!!!! Erik and Jeff were ruthless, Preschooler1 just marched along to victory each time as they battled it out. I realized it was getting late and I had to feed the household so I ordered a pizza. Fat Lorenzo’s delivered (literally and figuratively)!! We chowed down and then attempted bedtime several times for Baby2 (“did you give her Tylenol or No-Doz?!”). No idea what happened but eventually we all slept.

Monday, today, I finally woke refreshed, somehow. WHEW! Got up and got going to hot yoga which is just what the ‘doctor’ ordered (not actually). The instructor was great and I learned a new trick! “Firefly.” God I love yoga. Felt AMAZING after and did some fabric and booze shopping on my way home (not related/not same store). Made myself a nice lunch then did some drawing while Baby2 slept and Preschooler1/Jeff were in the basement hanging out. Peace and Quiet! Amazing. Preschooler1 then insisted on drawing with me (new obsession with my nice colored pencils, she has). The rest of the day consisted of Mario Maker, chores, making cookies, playing, eating, and watching Preschooler1 carry a giant toy piano with Baby2 in ‘hot’ pursuit. HAHA. Kids are in bed and now I think we will watch Veep. What an awesome weekend. Hope everyone else had a great one too!

“As my paranoia increases I worry more and more about blogging and wonder about its role in my life now. But it’s served such a significant purpose. It’s all very confusing.”

—someone near and dear to me, 2/18/17

“Are you an Amazon delivery guy? You are so cool! Come with me!”

—me, 3/3/17

Hmmmmmmm….yes. So I somehow messed up my database connection for my website but somehow now it’s back…so hello! Anyway. Here are a few things:

1. Winter is over. The Earth is dying.
2. A lot of decent feedback at work lately. Like, from not-bosses but from people with whom I work, like making me think I’m making a difference. In small ways, but in small great ways, as ‘they’ say. I like it.
3. You might have never seen joy until you’ve seen a younger sister look at her older sister who is trying so hard to make her laugh. Seriously, this is the best thing ever.
4. Jeff is playing the new Zelda game and it is really cool…
5. …and last night was really cool. GET THIS. Jeff was waiting ALL DAY for Amazon to deliver his new Nintendo Switch and corresponding Zelda game. 5pm rolled around and still no delivery. Jeff called Amazon and they said it could arrive as late as 9pm. So poor Jeff settled in alone for the wait in a dark downtown office.

I decided this could not stand so after a very healthy dinner of yogurt and nuts, I packed up the kids and we all headed downtown at 7pm aka bedtime. PARENT OF THE YEAR. Of course Preschooler1 was insanely excited, Baby2 is more normal than Preschooler1 so was actually tired so this wasn’t great for her. Anyway. We found a parking spot a block away and I was That Mom hauling my kids through downtown with just a sweatshirt on in the snowy cold. However we unpacked in Jeff’s office and stared down at the road and continued our Healthy Dinner with jellybeans and Wheat Thins. We joked and stood around and read about the Amazon Switch debacle on Twitter. AAAAAAH! 8:30 rolled around. Suspense was high. Eventually Baby2 fell asleep in my arms while Preschooler1 worked on her letters and so I decided it was time to leave. It was 8:45, fifteen minutes to go. Was Amazon scamming us, or what was the deal? I was convinced of the former. Preschooler1 insisted on staying behind so off Baby2 and I went.

As we left the office building…I noticed two vans. One, a red van, circled around back. The other, a white van, was not clearly (or not not clearly) an Amazon truck. But that too circled around and then stopped. I called Jeff. “Yeah, I see those two trucks…” he said, but we agreed neither looked promising. I stalked the red van (baby carrier/Baby2 in arm, by the way) and noted to Jeff (still on the phone) that the red van was unloading construction supplies. Darn it. So then I started across the street to the white truck, which had now stopped across from the building with hazard lights on. And as I did so, through the swirling snowflakes, around the corner of the truck came a man holding a box…

…with Amazon blue tape on it!!! My excitement burst out of me—I still had Jeff on the phone and I said “Are you an Amazon delivery guy??” to the truck driver and he said yes and we both smiled. I told him he was so cool and said come with me! Across the street we went (Baby2 still asleep in her carrier) and the driver started explaining his horrible day to me. Apparently he had been on Marquette Ave for a minute illegally that afternoon, and his real truck was TOWED (hence this weird other truck) and so he was racing to get these two packages delivered tonight (so as to not receiving a rebuke). WE were desperately hoping to get the Switch that night so Jeff could play the Best Game Ever aka the new Zelda, Breath of the Wild. Both parties were so happy and over the phone I could hear Preschooler1 celebrating as well. Jeff came down to sign for the package and we took the other package as well. YAY AMAZON!!! And yay this guy, who busted his ass to get his work done that day.

I left with such happiness, we all had cereal for dinner (nb: Baby2 had just milk), and went to bed. What a great day!

So. I am still definitely on the ‘less is more’ train, BUT, as I am wont to do, I find myself working on a few other random things, just Because that is How I Am. Here are a few…

1. Better Spanish skills/revive Spanish skills. This is both a fun thing and a tactical thing (see: Spanish-speaking daycare). The daycare teachers are very open to helping me talking in my bad Spanish, and that combined with Google and DuoLingo should go a long ways. I’m super excited about this one.

2. Get back into Twitter. We’ll see about this, but, yeah. Esp. the economics discussion part.

3. CURLY HAIR! I’m doing a decent-ish job of this, committing in terms of time, products (hair dryer!), and knowledge (sort of). We’ll see how long THIS YEAR’S commitment to curly hair lasts, though.

4. NOT SWEARING. LOL FOR DAYZZZZZ b/c this has been a resolution since the Dawn Of TIME for me, but, I have many reasons (mostly b/c my child is copying me) to stop this. We’ll see. Although I’ll note…swear-ers are both generally more honest and more intelligent (according to Real Research, seriously!).

5. Um…I think that’s it. I’m reading more but that’s the default for having a Kindle/new baby.

OUT!

“You’ve taken a spin class before, right?”

—Sara, 1/15/17, second only to: “Youv’e been stand-up paddle-boarding before, right?”, lol

I knew I was in trouble when I looked down and saw we were only nine minutes into the 60-minute-long class. (I should have known it with Sara’s innocent question.) Breathing hard, calling upon those weak weak legs that stay weak despite attempts, sniffling and sweating and struggling to stay in motion. The music pounded, the disco lights glittered in a spiral. “Dial it back to a FOUR!”, the instructor shouted, as I laughed in my head and went from my three to a zero without delay, ‘resting’ but not really as I sat back down. “RIGHT LEFT RIGHT LEFT!”, the yells came, rightleftrightleft, keepitgoing keepitgoing, shaking my head to the music to distract myself, looking down and up and down again. Spitting and sweating and all the disgusting things, laughing when the instructor came to shame me into speeding up, shaking my head as I laughed in my head, watching my shaky body in the mirror, shrugging it off, challenging myself the most in over a year. How awesome our bodies are, what a gift to sweat to rap and hip hop and other pseudo-badass tunes in a suburban studio surrounded by other moms and brothers and daughters, just people, even as I feel like I can’t possibly go on. “I could write a whole blog post about this,” I said at the end, and I did.

I can”t wait to go back!

Soooooooooooo I know I said all those resolutions etc in the last post but HERE IS THE TRUTH/what I really think I’m going after for 2017 instead, which is this:

RELAX INTO IT

That sounds a little gooey, but mostly I mean…relax into whatever I’m doing. Whatever challenge I’m facing, or whatever thing I have to do next, or whatever moment I’m having…relax into it. Be mindful of it. Notice how it feels to be doing whatever I’m doing, be grateful for it, and do just one thing at a time.

Followed closely by LEAD WITH COMPASSION.

OUT. For now.

PS – Diana is BACK!!!

“You and your sister live in a Lemonworld / I want to sit in and die / You and your sister live in a Lemonworld”

—Lemonworld, The National

“One golden light bleeding into the dark / windows play movies that I know by heart… // Who will carry you? / Who will carry you? / Who will be the one to? / Who will carry you?”

—Who Will Carry You? via Transparent, by Adam Jones feat. KS Rhoads

“There are things in me that I’m designed to do that are just out of my reach.”

—Maeve/The Adversary, Westworld

“I got this feeling inside my bones / it goes electric, wavey when I turn it on / all through my city / all through my home / we’re flying up, no ceiling, when we’re in our zone / … // Can’t stop the feeling! / So just dance, dance, dance / Can’t stop the feeling!”

—Can’t Stop The Feeling!, Justin Timberlake

2016.

Made of 4s.

My grown family.

Also 4.

Before I get to the majority of what was 2016, let me start here: 2016, on a day made of 4s, brought us our 4th family member, my peridot princess, the baby sistah, the legend. Little darling girl, you have our hearts and eyes. You’ve cleared the mist of August, the musty air, and brought us joy. We are so very glad you are here. I never knew I had so much love.

It’s strange to think that for the first two thirds of the year, she wasn’t out on this earth and I was pregnant, growing (healthily, but still) rapidly each day. Her presence is so powerful, I can’t imagine she hasn’t been here all along. But until one muggy sweaty morning, when she decided that day was the day, she wasn’t, and now she is. A miracle of miracles. Sisters to adore. I am so lucky.

Other things happened that were not miracles, and in fact, were tragedies. Philando Castile certainly didn’t think he wouldn’t see the end of life in 2016, nor would so many others. I thought we’d have our first female president, and we didn’t. I thought we were living in a country that was less hateful than it is, and we’re not. I thought women and black people and everyone mattered more, and…no. Nothing is a foregone conclusion, and nothing good is guaranteed, making the good just that much sweeter. But the bad is still so bad, and I’m not sure where we as a country go from here; nor am I sure that I’m the one to figure that out in any way but the smallest of ways. I’ll leave it at that, because I can’t write well enough to make this matter. Just know it’s always there.

And for many a friend, this year wasn’t their favorite, either. Friends: I’m thinking of you.

It feels foolish and snotty to declare what a good year this was for me-myself-and-I, and yet. And yet. I can’t deny that in giving me everything I ever wanted personally, this year wasn’t so bad at all, and nearly beyond excellent. Being home with my girls for a good 14 weeks wasn’t so bad, either (read: AWESOME), and Jeff home for 5 of those (more awesome). We are building a family and finding our way and it feels so, so good to have that, and each other. So for that…what a lovely year. And for other things, too. Health and professional statuses and extended family and all that. We are lucky people. I also have to put in a plug for Simone Biles here. WHAT A STAR. That girl is out of this world, nearly literally, ha. And yay Rio for not being a total disaster, I guess. And so many other people brought other new lives into the world this year, I feel grateful to have witnessed (note: NOT ACTUALLY) that as well. So: 2016…NOT ALL BAD. Feel me? (“Can’t stop the feeling!”)

This doesn’t make sense.

But does anything anymore?

Here are some scenes from 2016 (without being too revealing):
Walking carefully around the cold ice lake listening to a serial story. Teaching a little girl to cook and cut and grow into a helper (stop growing so fast, though!). Watching toddlers grow into friends with lives and secrets of their own, and having their mothers by my side. A weekend in Madison with a bouncy house and cousin fun. Afternoons at the Children’s museum, riding the rides at Maka Maka, going to the first and second Twins game with face paint and bleachers and baseball. A perfect view to a perfectly growing baby GIRL inside. Growing growing growing. Gymnastics. Dance parties. Learning all the words to the songs, drawing pictures we can recognize. Traveling for work, making friends all over. PreK screen. Re-learning Spanish and preescolar with friends! Chicago weekend and cousin fun again. Riding bikes! Paddleboarding hijinks. Special time as a family of just three. Growing into four, that crying gorgeous dark-haired baby popping into our world, full of joy. The Fair again and again and time off and time together. Driving to Eagan and back again and listening to Run Boy Run and Empty Sky. LANDING CLIFFS, live and in earbuds. Glorious time off and walks and playing and a perfect 35th birthday. First smiles, first laughs, that adoring stare at the sister, perfect admiration. Playing at a park in the sunny sun sun and marveling over the new niece. Art classes at the park, Super Mario Halloween, surprise anniversary dinner. Back to work and it’s not so bad, with so much I’m designed to do that’s just within my reach. NEW CAR, at least to us. Cuddles and kisses and crib time. Yoga pre and post and centering oneself. Walking walking walking. My dear family and friends, and time with my Jenny in pieces big and small, whatever I can get. A tearful, despondent, disastrous election night. A way forward however we can. December and we’re all sick but we’re all together but we’re oh so tired. A perfect Christmas day of family and playing and joy.

The goal for 2016 was LESS IS MORE. I wanted to focus less on GETTING THINGS DONE and more on BEING TO BE. So…no surprise, I failed SPECTACULARLY at this. SPECTACULAR FAILURE. I had way too much fun doing way too many things, and I found that being a parent of two isn’t QUITE as much of a time suck as I thought (exception: THIS MONTH OMG). I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s a change, but…it’s a change for the good, in so many wonderful ways. And I just can’t stop (“can’t stop the feeling!”) enjoying life.

That said, I would’t mind seeing that in 2017, in some effect. To stay true to my ‘manifesto’, of course, but in addition, to add some more, or less of more. Less projects, less busyness. MORE playing, MORE reading, MORE movement, MORE listening, MORE MORE MORE. MORE of more.

The other thing I’d like to pay attention to in 2017 is this: LEAD WITH COMPASSION. This goes not just for work or whatever, but also (mostly?) for home, and ideally(??) for my community (one day??? I am not sure I am there yet, TBH). That is, show how, respect, listen, understand. I have the pieces, I know what I’m looking for, and I just have to put it together.

(So the breakdown, for my own reference:
1. Slow down 
2. More playing
3. Lead with compassion 
4. Go outside/and move)

So there you have it. 2016 was so good to me in so many ways, and on a personal level I will be sad to see it go; what a year (“can’t stop the feeling!”). 7s are tricky, lucky but slanty, slicing across the page. So I’m not sure at all what to expect next. But the least I can do is be grateful for what I have, and hold my dear sweet family close. Happy new year, friends. More is more.

ETA: LANDING CLIFFS. How the hell could I possibly forget that.

“Let there be peace on Earth / and let it begin with me”

—trite and not quite right for this year (ahem) but something we could alllllllll use right now

I’d say December was a horrorshow, but I know better by now. Multiple annoying but non life threatening viruses ripping through the household is less than ideal but most certainly not a horror…especially when one has means, freedom, wits and family on their side. So many are not so lucky. 

In any case, Merry Christmas, foe and fans and friends! Or more accurately for this year, ¡FELIZ NAVIDAD! This is a hard time of year in an even harder year itself for a lot of folks, and so it’s not without recognizing what an honor and a privilege it is to be able to that I say this: My darling Jeff and I just left out two full stockings for two little girls, and my life, home, and heart couldn’t be more full, too. This Christmas, I have everything I ever wanted. I hope so much that you do, or will someday, too.

ETA: 20th Xmas/Cmas Eve update of lxforever?! I think so! …bitches.

ETA2: yes I went back to make smart quotes, you bet I did

ETA3: DAMN! 19th. Guess that 1997 one is not on record or never even existed. Heh. 

“It’s like you moved to another country…but it’s just St. Paul.”

—me to Michael, 9/27/16

“MOMMY!!! It’s your BOITHDAY!!!”

—anonymous, 9/27/16

I remember 18 as being a rather stand-out birthday, but I do believe it has been eclipsed…by 35.

Part of this is circumstance, OF LIFE, for sure—I have everything I’d hoped to have at this age (if I ever thought about 35 IN MY YOUTH, which I did not, but still). What a glorious life.

But part of it is circumstance OF DAY, which was created meaningfully and deliberately by those IN my life, and for that, I thank them!

Here’s to maternity leave AKA playing stay-at-home parent AKA playing followed by library story hour followed by coffeeshop stop-in (“lemon poppyseed!”) followed by kiddie clothes shopping (“hi friend!”). A nice lunch and playing house and cuddles. And a fantastic, amazing dinner out at a place I’ve been wanting to go to since Barack Obama himself stopped in (and since it opened, too) a couple years ago (Bachelor Farmer! Just like its coffeeshop IT LIVED up to the hype, and I cannot wait to go back! Duck! Salina! etc.) with the most perfect company one could ask for…JEFF, aka THE BEST. 🙂 Followed by surprise serious cupcakes and peridot presents and enthusiastic singing! (And I do think the preschooler had an even better day than I did, presents and cake being her jam, basically.)

Happy 35 to me. Old enough to be president, young enough to know better. THANK YOU JEFF!!!

So if my 2015 “motto” or theme or whatever was KEEP IMPROVING, and my 2016 one is LESS IS MORE (failing MISERABLY at this BTW, I just want to do All The Things, so I do more, just…badly), it seems that my 2017 one will be this:

THE LONG GAME

Yes. (Or…could that be a general motto for parenting a 3-year-old? STAY TUNED.)