lxforever

“…could have turned left / could have turned right / but I ended up here / and I feel all right”

Natalie Imbruglia

It’s ended up being a weird, but good, summer. Not that summer is over, and that’s another good thing about work vs. school—summer ends, well, when the warm weather dissipates. (Hopefully, based on how cool of a summer it’s been [sans the heated-up days we had in June], September will be a little warmer. I can hear my cool-weather loving friends wincing; sorry guys. I just need a little heat! Although I suppose by then all the pools will be closed, anyway.)

Michael wrote that he had thought we might have to bury Grandpa sometime this year, but I hadn’t expected it at all. I guess I’m naive; no, I know I am. The difference is in how I show it. That started the summer off in the strangest way: yes, the sorrow and loss of someone like LeRoy leaving the earth; but also, the very raw feelings of learning how to care for someone through to their very true end, the awe in seeing how one life has made such an impact, the wonder seeing how this Mason family comes together. Even at the time, I knew it would be a lesson more important than most anything else I’d learn.

Something shifted in me this year, too; while it happened over the course of the year, due to people and events and uncertainty in my life, it came to a head this summer, with two points looming larger: the death of LeRoy the Great and the fact that I became a godmother to dear Mason James. I’m hesitant to write about it, because I’m afraid doing so will spoil it. Suffice it to say, something and someones (and not just of the Mason variety) have drawn me back into a faith-ish life, albeit tentatively and possibly temporarily. We’ll see. But I do know that seeing my family and where it is I’ve come from; and holding Mason that baptism weekend; these things have made an impact, and I have some kind of a responsibility I didn’t own up to before.

I had an awesome weekend, the kind I’ve been meaning to have. Life without freelance-musts and at-work stress (did I mention I have a new job? I think I did) is good. Though I still wonder what other impacts I could make in life, in other arenas. I can only hope I will work it out and that something will come to me, one way or another. In the meantime, I have this most amazing husband and house and life in a city I love, with friends and family all across the country; what more could I really ask for?

But the weekend. Cooking, brunch, biking to the beach and sitting in the sun and swimming in the lake, tennis with Gooch and Googs and not being too bad at it, writing and gardening and just relaxing. It’s weird but it’s been a crucial lesson for me this year: stop trying “To-Do” it all. Start trying to just chill out. It’s part of not writing, but I intend to work on that, whether it’s here or elsewhere. All part of the process, somehow.

Now for Mad Men and strawberries. This is the stuff. Good night!

So much to write about and I just don’t do it anymore. I quit my job and started a new one. Leaving Ham was like graduating high school in that I miss it and everyone who was a part of it both in complete and completely irrationally. The new gig shows promise, which is great, though I know it will be hard to find the same kind of thing I had at Ham ever. When it comes to making friends, anyway.

I’m still having a hard time with LeRoy; who isn’t?? I can’t believe it’s been a month. I wish I could just see him one more time. I can’t believe he’s gone for real. I’ve weirdly started going to church again, on a sporadic basis. I find it very calming and a constant connection to the life and times and origin of the Mason family.

We’ve had a lot of work done to the house—thanks, airport!—which is awesome but it’s making it hard to just hang out and have fun. Boo on that. Then freelance just keeps coming in which is difficult, because I just don’t want to do any extra work again. But I like the people that want to do it. Ugh.

Sarah was here this week and she came to Alyssa’s for our dinner. It was so nice to see her and a reminder of so many things. There are a few people in my life with whom I became friends because I saw them and thought to myself, ‘this person is someone whom I must befriend.’ And then made a concerted effort to push that forward. Sarah, obviously, is one of those people. There is a smaller subset of this group with whom I succeeded at forcing my friendship upon them, but with whom I also had to take more care in how strongly I show that attachment, because otherwise they would be suffocated and run. I know that doesn’t make any sense. But seeing Sarah made me think not just of all of those days in our past together, but of these other few people, as well. I miss her. And everyone.

I got to go up north with my family last week which was delightful, although I missed Jeff. Ah life. I need to write more but I just don’t. I’m sorry. Time to go call Jenny back. Later.

I haven’t been keeping up. I resolve to do this. Is it really too much to ask that I write every once in a goddamn while? I didn’t think so.

I am off to Plum Lake to relive my youth…or really, just hang out on the dock, swim, eat cherries, and read. You know the drill. With my fam and friends and even my Grandma, hooray! But no Jeff, that makes me :(.

(He is staying behind to supervise the de/reconstruction of the heating and cooling systems in this house. Good-bye, 1929 Octopus!)

I had an amazing holiday weekend. It started with drinks with Diana at the Independent. Naturally I rode my bike there—I can’t get enough of RIDING my BIKE! Friday was also devoted to bike-riding as Jeff and I did a mini-Grand-Rounds, cutting through downtown and Dinkytown to inspect the new stadiums (Twins and Gophs, respectively). We enjoyed smoothies in Stadium Village and then continued down the Mississippi whereupon we became exhausted. Met up with Googs and Gucc at Taste of Minnesota and decided to NEVER return, what a ridiculous event. At least the fireworks were good and Googs and Gucc were fun.

Yesterday we accomplished a few things around the house, watched the Twins (meaning, I read my book), watched some of a horrible movie and had a “fixed snack time”, then grilled out while our neighbors set off fireworks. Note, our yards are the size of mice. But whatever. Jeff prepared a lovely meal and I enjoyed my newfound margarita mix. Then off to DQ and the fireworks in the park by Kowalski’s, this is becoming a tradition. The fireworks weren’t terrific, probably because they were half obscured by the trees and we were too lazy to move. Whoops. Also we were afraid of Spitting Man. The finale was cool though, thanks Richfield!

Now I will go see my Up North friends and my dear familia, but I will miss Jeff. 🙁 Boo. If only I could relive these few days over and over my life would be content. Or at least this time of year.

Happy July!!! Best month ever!!!!!

“His true passion was loving and raising his family. He was most proud of all they did together.”

—Marc, in the obituary

“I want to live where soul meets body / And let the sun wrap its arms around me / And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing / And feel, feel what its like to be new”

—Death Cab for Cutie

“LeRoy and the spirit he’s carried and permeated throughout our family during his lifetime.

—Michael J. Mason

12/21/21—6/19/09

LeRoy, ever the humble guy, liked to brag that when he was born, God said “aha!” and started making the days longer (winter solstice). And, in his death, he almost made it to the summer solstice and the shortening of the days again, making things even more full of meaning.

Obituary (also hosted locally for preservation)

…because it’s not just him, or her, but it’s the 7 kids and the 7 spouses and all of the grandchildren and everyone whose life he’s lit up.

I’m having a hard time writing this all out, because how can I possibly do justice to all of these great things that LeRoy The Great truly was? But it does no good to just sit, and so I write, and write.

Michael’s quote above says it best. There truly was—is—a spirit that Grandpa created and sustained throughout our whole family and his life. I think we all picked up on it, consciously or not, and I can only hope that we continue to permeate such a spirit throughout our own lives.

What surprises me sometimes is just how much he did. Not that I don’t think he is capable or that I don’t understand just how smart and talented he was; but his force in and with the family was so strong and so valuable that that’s what, when you look at it firsthand, is what you take away.

Spending those last days in Baraboo only strengthened that lesson. I’m so, so grateful that I got to spend that time with him, to hear his last stories and see him smile and tell me that “out of all of you grandchildren, not a bad apple in one of you!” (I told him that there was still time for that, ha.) The night and day in Baraboo with Grandma and Jane and us doing our best to take care, and the days at the hospital and between there and Roblee Rd—I was pretty lucky to be there for that and with this great, great family. And that’s just it—it wasn’t just being lucky to spend time with Grandpa, but to witness how such a family comes together and does whatever it takes to make things as right as they can be—every single one of us. The lesson continues.

I ran into Alyssa yesterday and she said some truly wonderful things. In one of them she made an observation that it’s not just this one guy&dmash;LeRoy—but it’s the kids, the grandkids, so many people that he’s brought into the world and, in a sense, made us into who we are. Sure, there are other factors, but where would we be without The King?

Roy’s Family would like to than…Lisa Burke, for [her] kindness and special efforts over the last month of his life.” Indeed, unending thanks to Lisa. She is truly incredible, and we can never thank her enough.

I guess what I’m finding when I write this all out is that I can’t do it justice, but that the best I can do is to take what I’ve learned and been given and grown up in and use that as a basis for the rest of life—just as I’ve unconsciously done prior. Cling on to life, and be grateful for every single day. Spend your life with the ones you love. Teach your family to hold on to one another by example, and to make each person feel as important as they really are. Show up, stand up, cheer and clap. Be thankful for the people who helped or forced or paid for you to get an education—like Pauline pawning off $50 of her jewelry, it’s worth every bit. Take care of your health and fight your way through setbacks. Do what you can with your talents to give back and take care of those around you. And, if that’s your nature, be as charming and silly and funny as you can to everyone you meet, because you might just light them up.

“It was good of you to see me!”

There’s so much more, but you know how it goes.

So on this day, the summer solstice, six months before what would have been his 88th birthday and a month and some days before his and Kathleen’s 65th wedding anniversary, the day that we go to Madison and then Baraboo and then Burlington and then back, I feel so much gratitude and fortune. Fortune to be born into this family, and gratitude for what LeRoy The Great and Kathleen and every kid and grandkid has taught me. People go away, but as a Mason, your family is forever.

La da da, la da da da da
Slow pose and cross-eyed
Visions owed to the railroad ties
Humpbacks and sugar shacks
Shotgun wed to the poison of our past

La da da, la da da da da
We’ve only just begun to grieve the space
The space, the space

—Smashing Pumpkins

…..

SOUL MEETS BODY

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

—Death Cab for Cutie

…..

FLIGHTLESS BIRD, AMERICAN MOUTH

I was a quick wet boy
Diving too deep for coins
All of your street light eyes
Wide on my plastic toys
And when the cops closed the fair
I cut my long baby hair
Stole me a dog-eared map
And called for you everywhere

Have I found you?
Flightless bird, grounded, bleeding
Or lost you?
American mouth
Big pill, stuck going down

—Iron & Wine

“I was a quick wet boy / diving too deep for coins / all of your street light eyes / wide on my plastic toys / then when the cops closed the fair / I cut my long baby hair / stole me a dog-eared map / and called for you everywhere // Have I found you? / Flightless bird / jealous / weeping / or lost you? / American mouth / big pill / looming…”

—Iron & Wine

time 8:34 pm feeling wistful wearing Gold-hearted and banned Gopher VS sweats ready for the upswing next shows?

So. Weirdly, I’m actually feeling better this week than I have literally in months, so it’s funny that I should be writing this now, but so much has gone on this week in the ‘greater arena’, as I like to say. Jeff and I are sitting in the living room listening to the last episode of KFAN’s Sludge and Lake show—not a show I’ve ever really listened to, but when Jeff had it on two days ago, we realized that the show was ending—that the last show was Friday, tonight. This show is one of Jeff’s favorites and a local sports radio staple; apparently it’s quite popular. But not popular enough. For why is it being canceled? The economy—more specifically, the recession.

Ugh. I really thought we’d hit bottom in April; it seemed like we might be at the bottom of the “U” shaped recovery everyone keeps referring to, and I (along with everyone else, I’m sure) was SO ready for that, to hit that rock bottom spot. Because, however long the recovery takes, the sooner we hit it, the sooner we climb back up, and the sooner things stop disappearing, people stop losing their jobs, traffic fills up again, and shows stop getting canceled. But this, among other not-so-cool things that have gone on this week (at which I am not liberty to talk about really) makes it feel less likely that the fall is over. Gah.

“Now I’m a fat house cat / nursing my sore blunt tongue / watching the warm poison rats / curl through the wide fence cracks / pissing on magazine photos / those fishing lures / thrown in the cold and clean blood of Christ mountain stream // Have I found you? / flightless bird / grounded / bleeding / or lost you? / American mouth / big pill stuck going down”

So obviously all of this will end, and I know I’m being overly dramatic, as I’m prone to do, but in the meantime it just SUCKS. It sucks to see your friends lose their jobs, to see the dissolution of newspapers and radio hastening due to the freefall, to know that so many people are spending their days in as much doubt and despondency as their colleagues—but not really able to talk about it for fear of feedback. It’s just too much.

But then! It’s spring, and sunny, and warm and things are growing. I met with a student this morning who is just full of excitement and enthusiasm and love for what she does, and it reminds me that there’s a reason I’m here, regardless of the uncertainty that surrounds it. Our yard is filled with tiny little grass blades that are growing like mad and with which Jeff is so thrilled. We got to see Laura the little baby and her lovely parents Christie and Mike yesterday and just eat pizza, rock the baby, watch our favorite funny shows, and laugh together. And a week from today, I’ll be with my new nephew and my adorable niece and Stephie and Mike. There’s so much to look forward to.

And so many other good things, too. To get it over with, though, some unfortunate news: my Grandpa suffered another heart attack last weekend and has been in the hospital since. He was not well at the graduation, and they finally decided he should get it checked out. So glad they did, because how scary is that. It’s very sobering, and hard to take, because everyone knows that LeRoy is literally The King, this amazing patriarch that I can never thank enough for being who he is; but the good news is that he is on the upswing and there is hope that he can move past this. We hope and pray.

Back to the good. Last weekend I was in LaCrosse for my cousin Lisa’s graduation from nursing school. She is set to be a full-time nurse at UW Hospital in July and we couldn’t be more proud of her. Somehow it means more when everything doesn’t come so easily. It was a wonderful weekend, and so terrific to see everyone together and happy; Lisa’s one of the first babies I remember seeing (with Jenny, I was too tiny!), and I’ve always thought she was pretty cool. After the Mass, and ceremony, and dinner, and drinks (Smirnoff with the Barbs!), my mom and I stayed on to spend some quality time together in LaCrosse. It was absolutely perfect and much, much needed. We enjoyed each others’ company, she was so patient and kind in listening to me, and walked around beautiful LaCrosse and enjoyed a fantastic brunch together the next day. I was very sad to leave but very, very grateful for such a focused, peaceful time with her. Thank you, Mom!

So. Five years ago on Tuesday we were graduating from UMN, a most amazing evening to be sure. Nine years ago on Monday I wrote this, a basically ridiculous but still affecting spew of highschool nostalgia. It’s that time of year where things start to stir, and changes come, and, if you’re one of those sparkly graduates like Lisa, your life might truly start anew. I think I’ve underappreciated May for years; it’s time to start seeing it for what it is and being glad. Congratulations.

“We are what we pretend to be.”

—Kurt Vonnegut

“A warning sign / You came back to haunt me and I realized / you were an island and I passed you by / You were an island to discover.”

—Coldplay

UPDATE FAIL. Sorry. I’ve been having a hard time this year. I feel like I’m finally coming out of it – later than expected – but it just feels like I’ve had to re-teach myself so many lessons. I don’t want to get into it too much. It’s just funny how amazing 2008 was, despite the 8, and here I am in ’09 struggling. I’ll figure it out, though.

I don’t even know where to begin; I’ve missed so much. The most exciting: I have a nephew and a baby second cousin (or first cousin once removed?)! Mason James Ogborne and Laura Lynn Bauer showed up as expected in March and are as adorable as ever. Jenny and I are going out to SF in May for a visit and baptism (!!!). I’m very proud to be Mason’s godmother along with the JennJester. Amazing!

I had a lot more to say but I’m not feelin’ it, sorry. I just want to go read Perfect Fifths, ha! There’s so much more I’ve missed but I’ll have to catch up later. Just wanted to get something out there. I’ll try to be better.

I had a very nice weekend and in the interest of memory and just writing in general, I feel I must record it.

Friday after a quick, TV-watching workout at the downtown Anytime, I gathered up some candy, went home, showered, and watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which Jeff had gotten free from work, while finishing up my leftover Indian food from Wednesday, enjoying a beer, and then eating a ridiculous amount of jellybeans. Jeff came home from his night out with Dave around 11 and watched the rest of the movie with me. Not amazing, but an alright movie and nice to just sit around.

Saturday we slept in (I finally didn’t wake up at 4—and when I did wake up at 6:30, was able to go back to sleep), hung out and then hit up the gym. I did a fun little jumping and weights workout and felt good. Back to the house, where I made eggs with spinach and goat cheese for us and Jeff did a sprint-y clean. I got all dolled up and we headed off to the St. Paul campus for my little pre-frosh presentation (side note, I did not know it was going to be a presentation). I didn’t realize Jeff wanted to come with, so I was very excited when he did!

The UMN presentation was really fun. We hung out in the basement of McNeal in the newly-letterpress-furnished B3 (amazing!) and chit chatted with James. He is such a sweetheart as always and he warmed our hearts. The presentations were in 33; we spent a few moments in awe of the not-red chairs, and marveling over how small the room now seemed. Huh. James and Zhoura said a few words and the anxious parents and their (mostly bored) kids (the prospective students, naturally, probably wishing they were back home on a Saturday) soaked it in. How can you not, with James’s adorable accent. I gave a very stilted presentation, hampered by the lack of a correctly-set-up-projector, aaah, but got to reference “my husband, Jeff Akervik” when they brought up Beganik, and, prompted by Justin, showed Cadbury and FMTKY, which went over amazingly well. Even the dead-bored kids lit up a bit to see Stan get his ankles bitten by ferrets. I also got to chit-chat a bit with the students, who were all dressed in maroon and gold and all very sweet.

It was really cool to be able to talk about what I do and to be back in McNeal; it reminded me that we were very lucky to have been there, really. That was even further confirmed when we joined the rest of the group in B3 again, chatting with prospective students and their parents (a few of whom were very complimentary of the work I’d shown, a few who were very wary too), talking to Justin about Beganik, hard times, and What We Do, encouraging a parent to have her kid live in Bailey (explaining to her that I’d moved to BE there), reassuring a graduate-to-be that she’d figure it out (Jeff was very nice and complimentary to her), and updating James on where we were at. We were both pretty surprised that James not only remembered our names but also just about US; he said at one point that HITF seemed like the perfect place for me, based on the kind of student I had been. Ha. It was really, really sweet and I was so glad Jeff came with. It just is nice to be reminded where we came from and why we do what we do, more or less. Just a great day! I wish those kids all the best.

We came home and Jeff went shopping while I read my book. Settled down to Subway and the hockey game and the Gophers won, yay. I then checked Jenny in for her flight, did a quick hand-done tax form, found everything to be cool, passed out on the couch, and then was woken up by a frustrated Jeff who was doing our actual taxes in Turbo Tax. I think I’m gonna vote for doing it by hand, from this point out; Turbo Tax was crazy! But, we did save a bit more money, and it had the advantage of not having my messy handwriting (where I accidentally transposed a 9 into a 4, whoops). Sooooo whatever. We got pretty angry but then had a good time finishing it up and joking, finding that once we ignored TT’s bullshit it was all good. BY HAND might be BEST!

That fiasco meant we were up late and the daylight savings BS meant we were up even later. So another nice slept-in weekend morning followed. I did our MN taxes, made up some coffee, and made my first vegan cookies ever…using AK’s flaxseed/jam recipe. AMAZING! Ate about half a dozen of those and Clementines while watching Iron Man with Jeff. I thought I’d just watch a little bit of it but I got totally sucked in. Pretty cool! Now I’m catching up on emails, writing up our honeymoon adventures (still, I know), working on a Secret Project (maybe) and writing this blog. Then dinner and Friday Night Lights!. Yay.

Sooooo that was my weekend. It seems pretty simple but it was very nice for me to just Hang Out and not get too worked up. Bah! Happy March!

If you’re anything like me and enjoy dark, self-deprecating humor:

The Misadventures of a Crazy Pants

OK I owe you guys a real post. But…for now it’s spammy slam. SORRY :/. Let the blog above make up for my lack of content!

This is the crazy class that (many of those who ended up being) my friends and I were required to take our first semester at the U. We weren’t as crazy as these students, but it was definitely one of my most memorable classes. Ha!

ETA: Wow their code sucks. Sorry guys…I can’t find the link, either. So, NM. Alas!