lxforever

“…And this is how I see you / in the snow on Christmas morning / love and happiness surround you / as you throw your arms up to the sky / I keep this moment by and by”

—Sarah McLachlan

“Each winter as the year grows older / we each grow older too / the chill sets in a little colder / the verities we knew / seem shaken and untrue // …Yet I believe beyond believing / that life can spring from death / that growth can flower from our grieving / that we can catch our breath / and turn transfixed by faith”

—William and Annabeth Gay

“And all around / reminders of you / are everywhere I go…”

Ahh, the Christmas Eve update. Even as lxforever seems to falter, you can always (almost always?) count on the C-mas Eve update, circa 1998. Yes!

I write this one from bed in my old room in Madison. Jeff is next to me playing Zelda on the DS (that DS is pretty sweet, I must admit), my Dad’s snoring away I’m sure, my Mom is still in the kitchen putting together some food while Jenny keeps her company watching Bing Crosby. We just finished a marathon session of games—almost five hours, maybe?—that started with BS/I Doubt It and ended with massive old-school Trivial Pursuit madness. Sometimes I really can’t believe how much fun I have with my family. We just couldn’t stop laughing.

There’s more I could write or want to say than what I will, but some of this stuff just isn’t suited for random publication any longer. Ha! But I think the two quotes above kind of do it for me, and not just in the obvious ways. You know it’s been a little bit of a rough kind of a year, and not the one I was expecting in some ways, but everywhere I go I’m so grateful—so lucky—for what and WHO I have, or have had—either way. Thank you.

So here’s to a most wonderful Christmas eve and day, with loved ones or with thoughts of loved ones (LeRoy for many of us Masons, I’m sure) …however you can swing it, wherever they may be. And to those lacking this fortune of sorts, that things may turn around soon. I’m cozy and well-fed, laying here listening to the wind wail outside while my dear love turns to me and says that there’s nowhere else he’d rather be right now—just as long as he’s with me. Pretty much the best. Good night.

“Yet I believe beyond believing / that life can spring from death / that growth can flower from our grieving / that we can catch our breath / and turn transfixed by faith.”

lxforever.com!
You used to be the bomb!
Now you’re so bleak,
it’s coming off as weak,
bomb-ba-bombombombomb!

Wow, that was sad. I’ll make up for it with this quote from Jeff:

“I have too many words in my head, I can’t spell them all.”

Wow, again.

I am editing his blog post and thus must sign off. But like Ahhhnohld, I’ll be bahhhck. I have much on my mind and don’t think you’ll be spared my rambling nonsense. Indeed!

“When your life is still a riddle and you’re trapped in the middle of a rock / and a hard place // … // You’ve nothing to lose / you roll the dice // They’ll never understand…”

—Supreme Beings of Leisure

“There’s a she-wolf in your closet / let it out so it can breathe”

—Shakira

Because nothing will ever be enough. You’ll get an 8.0, you’ll want a 9.0. Then you’ll want a 10.0. You’ll get a 99, you’ll want a 100. You’ll graduate at the top and want a Master’s; you’ll get a Master’s and want a PhD; you’ll get a PhD and it still won’t be enough because you haven’t written enough, done enough, published enough. You haven’t won enough. You’ll be able to lift more, pull more, do more, and you’ll want to be stronger yet. You’ll be able to run farther, run faster, run longer, and you’ll want to still best that. You’ll earn success and accolades and red ribbons and still want more, bluer, better.

You’ll have a wonderful family and friends and wonder if you give them enough. You’ll have a fantasylike childhood and wonder why that wasn’t enough. You’ll have incredible health and try not to forget that that’s enough.

You’ll get a job and find out you can do it well and then you’ll want to move up, move on. You’ll get a house and want it to last; you’ll get a husband and want a family. You’ll get a compliment, or many, a pat on the back, or many, and friends and secrets and shared surprises and people laughing at your jokes and it still won’t be enough.

But maybe—just maybe—some of these things can be.

And sometimes you’ll find yourself unfurled and uncertain. You’ll piece it all together and start to realize that the floor is starting to go beneath you, that you’re on a sinking ship and even as friends are cut loose or set free, the ship still sinks and you have no choice but to jump, and you all end up scattered across the city. You’ll realize that leaving a job can sometimes be like a breakup—one of those ones where you know the relationship isn’t good for you, but you can’t help but love it no matter what. And so you wrongfully, nostalgically, wonderfully crystallize every instant into perfection.

It won’t be enough, and you’ll always wonder, and you’ll always remember, but maybe, just maybe, some of these things can be; and maybe, just maybe, this striving isn’t so bad after all. Maybe you have all of these glass balls and you should be happy. Maybe you should stop judging everyone, but most importantly, yourself. And maybe the striving is, somehow, surprisingly, something good.

I’m obsessed with Solitaire because of how it unfolds. The possibility of a newly turned-over card revealing exactly how all of the pieces will fall into the right place; the dependability of the predictable, precise patterns that emerge at every turn; the option of having a do-over when I realize how I screwed up, whether it be one or twelve moves ago. The blur of concentration that eliminates all other thoughts and worries and wonders while the eye scans the table for the next clear match. The satisfaction when things work out well, and the cards jump neatly into position for the win. And of course, the ability to quit the entire shebang and get a whole damn new deal whenever things are not happening to work themselves out that time. Yes, that too.

I think I’m addicted to Solitaire these days because I wish it could be my life.

Happy anniversary—one year, so fast. To the light of my life who became my husband on this day just a mere year ago…I love you.

Happy All Saints’ Day—4+ months, too long. To the dear old man of whom this song always reminds me now…I miss you.

“We’ve only just begun…”

…I wanna be famous…

…I’ll be stable…

…There’s a lot I want to do…

Oh, and ‘Grow up sounds like throw up’? Who said that? Recently?

…

As usual, my cousin Trike’s life and thinking and whatever you call it follows (leads? yes) my own. He writes it better than I can, and writes what I’m thinking before I even realize I’m thinking it. Creepy. And useful. And eye opening. Trike is my Fake Internet Therapist, and he doesn’t even know it.

From his blog:

“You know what I realized just moments ago? You see I was sitting around painting kabuki masks and listening to Fiery Furnaces, and I ask myself ‘What have I learned this year? What was the point of this year?’ Nothing was really coming to me, but then it hit me….I learned that THIS is what life is. Up until now I’ve spent a long time waiting for life to reveal its secrets to me and to experience the completeness and reality of adulthood. This is it. There’s no fucking red ribbon to cut with a golden scissors. There’s no sudden transfer of knowledge and understanding from the heavens to my brain. There’s no security or certainty. This is just it.

…[*note: there’s more, but I don’t want to steal it all]…

The short version is this:

The life I’m living currently is my adult life. There’s no more initiation I have to pass to become an adult. The only way may life is going to change at this point is going to be if I make a choice to change it, or if it’s changed by the hand of fate. There’s no more simple track that I’m on where I will naturally progress at regular intervals. One could argue that this has been the case since I graduated, but this year I really feel like it’s for sure.”

No fucking kidding. Welcome to my 2009.

I believe I’ve done this before but Oh Well.

decisive, fearless, planner, thrill seeker, engaged, social, self centered, comfortable around others, image conscious, likes to be center of attention, adventurous, outgoing, manipulative, emotionally stable, leader, ambitious, hard working, dominant, prepared, hates to be bored, confident, opinionated, analytical, prepares for worst case scenarios, organized, orderly, clean, driven, resourceful, finishes most things they start, achieving, risk taker, desires fame/acclaim, image focused, narcissistic, arrogant, perfectionist, driven, academic, scientific, critical, avoids giving in to others, does not like to compromise, skeptical

from here.

“ENTJ children need to have goals for everything. These goals may be related to achievements such as swimming the fifty-yard freestyle on second faster than they did the previous year, getting a straight-A report card, or winning the school math contest. They seek power and control. They want to have an impact. Because of their desire to take charge, they are often leaders.

In mature adulthood, ENTJs are often in leadership positions in their work organizations. They go after what they want with fusto. They set their sights high and work hard. Work and its related activities may become their lives. They may find retirement unsettling, boring, and difficult because it may bring with it a loss of the power that they had during their working years. Often they make arrangements so that they do not have to retire.”

from here. I believe they meant ‘gusto’.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m a fake ENTJ.

Technically my birthday’s been being celebrated for over two weeks now, but that’s OK. (We started with a birthday lunch/brunch at Jack and Laureen’s on the 12th—yummy and fun.) And the party will continue awhile longer yet, as my Mom and Dad are coming up next weekend and we’re flying to Chicago the weekend after that…yaaaay! So hooray for that.

But I want to talk about now. So my birthday celebration this weekend started with Jeff taking me out to a surprise fancy dinner. We got dolled up and he drove us to Ristorante Luci in St. Paul. We’d been to Luci Ancora some years back, but always had trouble getting a reservation at Ristorante Luci itself, so this was an amazing surprise!! It was super tiny inside, only 13 tables, and totally jam-packed. Very cute. Our server’s name was Jeff and he was impeccable and right on the ball. Fine dining at its finest. This was a no-holds-barred dinner, as Sue had generously paid for it as my birthday gift. Wonderful!

We started off right away with bruschetta (side note, I always want to pronounce it correctly but I’m afraid people think I’m a snob, so I don’t, but then they end up thinking I’m stupid…annoyingness), because how could we not? We then ordered a bottle of Chianti (after finding the non $80-a-bottle side of the wine list—no-holds-barred does NOT include $80 bottles of wine! Sorry, just can’t do it) which we totally smashed which was fun. Monrusso or something, very tasty. After much discussion—so many good things!—we each ordered a half pasta and a secondi piatti as well. The primi piatti was fusilli with chicken and vegetables for Jeff and homemade fettuccine with pesto for me. My pasta was light as air and incredible. Then on to meat—Jeff had veal with risotto (appropriate, as he’d been asking about risotto for awhile now), and I had pork in a honey truffle glaze with baked apples and sauteed greens. WOW. It was perfectly done and just the right amount of food and ratios and everything. Wonderful. We capped it off with an amazing apricot-plum-raspberry cheesecake for Jeff (the best blend of fruits; who would’ve thought?) and a vanilla bean creme brulee for me (something I’d been wanting for awhile); and another glass of wine for Jeff and a cappuccino for me. Truly a wonderful meal and pulling out all the stops. SO NICE!!! So nice to linger over dinner, too—by the time we left it was almost 10.

We then thought about watching a movie (even rented a couple) but that wine really made us sleepy so it was home to hang out and then hit the hay.

…..

OK, now it’s been a few days and I need to pick this up from where I left off. Soooooo anyway that was Saturday. What a lovely evening! I should note that Friday we FINALLY ordered our new front and back door (*gulp* directed at our bank account, but *yay* for working doors), which was monumental. My new idea is no new house projects in 2010 – even if that means using pliers to make the bathtub work! In my dreams. Alright. Moving on.

I slept horribly Saturday night, probably due to the combination of a whole bottle of wine + an after-dinner cappuccino. Gah. Alas, I awoke Sunday morning in time to attend 8:30 church (SHOCKER! I know! I’m being serious here, not sarcastically saying ‘shocker’, either! Well, listen, I’m a Godmother here people, I have a bargain to uphold). Anyway, church was nice, it’s a good little church I attend, and a few people said happy birthday after I got to stand up for it (note: not the only reason I attended). I then purchased myself a birthday Starbucks (Cinnamon Dolce Latte—ahh, yes, it is fall, and as much as I love summer, I don’t HATE fall; in fact, I love it), got what I wanted for dinner that evening at the fancy grocer’s (sushi! + Izze; Kowalski’s) and headed home, where I encountered a just-awaking Jeff. I cooked us up some scrambled eggs with tomato and spinach and cheese and some smoothies, and we had a lovely breakfast on the patio. Sunny! Beautiful! Lovely crisp brightly colored fall day!

We finished breakfast and opened gifts. Far! Too! Many! gifts and cards, from too many people. I am incredibly spoiled (in case you didn’t already realize this). Anna’s creepy baby eraser cracked me up. <3 it. Jeff got me, among other great things (adorable gymnast figurine—he's so good with surprises), an iPod Touch (another—BIG—surprise!), which I am completely addicted to already. Lists! Crosswords! Calendar! Email! All in my hand, all of the time! (Well, not the email, but almost!) We spent a lot of time playing with that and on the real phone calling people back...my dear well-wishers. Finally we made a plan and packed a lunch and got on our bikes. Best part of the day...so beautiful out!!! I wish it hadn't cooled down so quickly, because fall bike rides are absolutely gorgeous, indeed. We rode to Lake Harriet and had a picnic at the Bandshell. It was mostly deserted—the Vikes were playing (Jeff taped it, bless his HEART for waiting!!!)—and we enjoyed the 'performance' of two crazy little girls battling it out on the empty stage. Ha! After sunning ourselves in the windy day and eating our tasty turkey-artichoke-spinach buns and sweet potato chips and sparkling water, we continued on our way. Destination: Grand Ol' Creamery on Cedar, where I had birthday cake ice cream. YUM. The plan from there was to bike around 'our' lake, Lake Nokomis, but suddenly it turned dark and rainy and SUPER windy, so we headed home. Two hot showers and warm fuzzy clothes later, we set ourselves up in front of the TV with sushi and a movie. The movie was horrible—that'll teach us to try renting movies—but the food was good and the company even better. Snuggling! New favorite chilly activity. Oh wait, that's nothing new :). Finally we retired to an early bedtime and my amazing 28th bday was over. (Except for all the celebrations sure to come this week, and next, and next...;) heh heh heh.) What a wonderful day/weekend...thank you, thank you, thank you! I need to write more. Michael does, and I love reading his updates. It can't take that much time. I really will write more. I hope. Or maybe I will write more, but elsewhere or about other things. Vamos a ver. Anyway...28! So far, so good. Later.

I was (am) still waiting to grow up.

When I start to wonder what I’m doing and if I’m where I’m supposed to be, I always go back to years gone past and what I did and where I was then. I find immeasurably helpful clues in the “when I want to grow up I want to be’s” of childhood, in the hours I spent in elementary/middle/high school and what I chose to do, what I wanted to be. It all reminds me that yes, this is you.

Taking art not astronomy, dropping AP 11, dropping out of physics to take it easy and not be so frustrated all the time, creating, staying in from recess to play computer games with Lauren and Erik and Jason, figuring out everything I could about the computer and how to make it mine, Microsoft Paint and Kid Pix and all that, coloring the menus, drawing drawing drawing, “being an artist” when I grew up (and truly a commercial one at that), drawing stories and whole houses and lives, coming home from a night out with friends to master HTML and CSS late into the night, writing late into the night, spending those nights out with my friends wasting time and watching movies and making water balloons and bananamobiles, math and Spanish and how it all logically fit together and made sense, reading reading reading, gymnastics and obsessing and teaching it too, Mr. Lawrenz hoping I’d do something with art over MIT, dollhouse stories and crafts and people-naming and life-creating, genuine real intense motivated (and not) transparent sensitive focused. Trying to get homework done as quickly as possible, doing math problems hardest to easiest to make it flow. Wanting a way out, wanting my time to relax, wanting time moreso than anything else. Being lazy, being creative, letting my imagination run wild. Creating whole stories out of nowhere.

I went for a bike ride this morning and so many things came out of it. That, and the thoughts above from last week, are starting to bring me somewhere. I’ve been feeling inadequate for no good reason—I see the JDs and MDs and PhDs and such being awarded and start to wonder, where’d I go wrong? And that makes no sense at all. For when you look at that list above, this is exactly where I’m supposed to be, flaws and all. And there can always be more to come.

Things to remember

What I want for myself. Not what my Troubled Genius friends from high school are doing, not how many advanced degrees they have or adventures or businesses or names. You can be smart and use it how you want, and that’s the benefit. You are given your life to do with it what you want, and that’s the benefit of being where I am.

It’s not about the money (but it is, to some extent, otherwise I’d do nothing)—you’ll never have enough. So now the hope is to discover what it is about, for me, to stay true to that and to stop feeling this random outside pressure that only I put upon myself. If you’re happy and things are working and you’ve got what you want—what else is there? How I spend my time is my choice; only I am in charge of that. Every day I make these choices. And that’s just fine.

This perfect day
What would your ideal day consist of?

Not necessarily in this order, but it would include things along the line of:
Going for a bike ride, swimming, spending the time with Jeff, trying a new recipe or baking, getting fancy coffee, reading reading reading, drawing, sitting in the sun, taking it slow. Thinking, being outside when it’s nice, cuddling. Things like that.

Who you really are
See above.

While I’m not super thrilled to be coming up on 28, I do welcome getting older if only for the hope that wisdom will come, too. And when things like this flood my mind, I start to feel like it might. This is what I am, after all, after all. Hello 28.

“I got a feelin / that tonight’s gonna be a good night”

—Black Eyed Peas

I had a good…no, GREAT…Labor Day weekend. Jenny and Hakan unexpectedly came up to visit! On Friday night Jenny left a cryptic message on my phone asking what I was up to this weekend and saying I should call her that night or early Saturday morning. A few hours later, they were on the road to Minneapolis—soon to join us at the fair, and then our cookout as I had told her I’d wished (that she lived here, and could attend; this was a good, nay, great, compromise!)!

Saturday I rode my bike while Jeff hit the gym, then we headed to the fair. For some reason I was insanely excited about the fair this year—almost (but never quite) on par with Jeff. This was our second visit, but there was still so much to do. We spent time looking at baby animals (petting a baby chick and being afraid of the ‘baby’ turkeys), walking around the little Grandstand shows, listening to KFAN and WCCO for the Gopher game (PATHETIC), admiring the anti-Michelle-Bachmann seed art, and eatingeatingeating. Hush puppies and malts/sundaes and honey lemonade and cheese curds. Nitro ice cream from Blue Sky, fresh root beer, a random Icee, and macaroni and cheese on a stick (yes way! actually quite good). Ohhh food.

We hit the swine-flu-impacted 4H building for a midafternoon second-wind generation, and goofed off in the benches lining the now-empty stage. Looked at all the banners and posters (many amusing) and the furniture (all incredible) and then our friends showed up. We saw Diana’s jam!!!!! which was so cool!, and just enjoyed being at the fair with different people. Finally Jenny and Hakan showed up and I met them at the fried candy-bar stand. So crazy busy! But so fun! Jenny was amazed at how everyone knew where everything was, and we wandered around getting them some interesting food and showing them weird sights as the day darkened into night. Spent some time drinking weird wine slush in Heritage Square and admiring jewelry and other miscellaneous stuff. It was so cool to have Jenny and Hakan there! They left around 9 and the rest of us listened to Styx/REO and wasted a bunch of time looking at weird shirts and instruments and things in the Bazaar. As that wore off, and it got colder, Jeff convinced us to tour the Haunted House which I found very scary. They had me pegged and I was a real screamer. Pathetic. Then the fireworks and finally home—my feet hurt like no other. What a day.

Got up Sunday and cooked everyone some eggs and chocolate-orange muffins. Yum. We headed out to golf with Jack and Laureen while Jenny and Hakan went to the beach with Alex and Liz. Got a 5 on the first hole and it was completely completely downhill from there. I am embarrassed to say that yet again I lost my cool. I just don’t know if golf is my friend, but I try. Bah!! It took us forever but it was a nice day so it was OK. Then off to get ready for the cookout. Everyone brought massive amounts of food which was delicious and so nice of them. And Jenny and Hakan were there!! Yaaaaaay yay. All of my favorite people. We had an impromptu beanbag toss tournament which (of course) the Js won—something about those J’s and Jenny in tourneys. Ha. Drank and ate and grilled the night away.

Today we met up with Liz and Alex for brunch at Key’s (I meant to try cupcake but it was closed). Glad Key’s worked out because it was wonderful! So fun to hang out with Liz and Alex and of course Jenny and Hakan. Nice people. Key’s! Brunch! Days off! Fun! Then I came home and did more laundry which is ridiculous but I guess a clean bed is nice (I was inspired by Liz and Alex’s Labor Day trip to the laundromat, I suppose), worked on the garden (‘worked’…aka picked tomatoes) while Jeff mowed, called my Grandma and my Mom and Diana and chit chatted and then sat in the sun reading the paper. The paper! That’s right, we now get the Sunday paper. What a day. What a weekend.

Now I’m going to finish up the laundry and ‘make’ dinner (leftover couscous salad + whatever protein we have on hand). Maybe write some more. Miss Jenny a lot!!! I wish she lived here, so so so much. Watch Mad Men. Delight in the weekend. And get ready for my draft and 9-9-9.

<3 later.