lxforever

“Do things that make you happy. Don’t do things that don’t.”

—Andrea, 9/4/99 (worth repeating)

“Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything.”

—Kurt Vonnegut (again!)

“Let down and hanging around / Crushed like a bug in the ground”

—Radiohead, Let Down

“And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat / I tried to find the sound / but then it stopped, and I was in the darkness / so darkness I became”

—Florence + The Machine, Cosmic Love

“Relax and sleep!”

—Jeff

time 7:38 AM, waiting for employment #s WTF BLS?! feeling much better than I thought! wearing ARC Value Village jean skirt, brown shirt music Caspian ready for BLS.gov to WORK wtf! next employment #s (better for July than expected WOO HOO partytime economy!!!)

So. My summer high came to a crashing halt on Tuesday. For a variety of reasons. Evidently the markets and I agree. I was a mess and this week has mostly not been pretty. Thank God for friends/fake+free therapy/Diana/Jeff.

However, I might believe I can get it back if the first two hours of this day are any indication…it’s just hard to imagine since I know the DOOMSDAY DARKNESS of shorter days and colder temps lay ahead of me. (I’m already a little depressed about 6AM sunrise/8:30PM sunset vs. 5AM/10PM. Gah.) But. Trying my damnedest. DENIAL. Delusions. I can live a life like this, at least for awhile. Magical summer 2011.

(FATE. Kismet. 2011.)

BUT! I biked to work today and it has put me in an INSANELY good mood. PHYSICAL ACTIVITY 4evah. I made incredible time, it was mostly deserted along the path, I biked the Mississippi (=love!), and the sky and water were gorgeous. Land Of Sky And Water. I love thee. Feeling more Minneapolitan than ever and can’t wait to be able to bike again. (Attending AEA next week [side note, 1998 dreams I didn’t even know I had coming truuuuue by attending that!] will prevent it for the near term.) I was at my desk by 7:15, showered and eggs in hand. Now waiting for BLS.gov to settle so I can do what I intended to do.

ALSO: The July employment numbers appear to be much better than anticipated. Take that, DJIA dropping 500 pts yesterday! Take THAT, economy! SUCKAS. I so badly want to see this get better, better, better. For everyone.

Clearly I am operating off of an endorphin-and-biking-induced high, but maybe, just maybe, this crash won’t be so bad. DISTRACTIONS. Partying. Optimism and hope. HOPE.

To continue this theme of unbridled and unexpected optimism and HOPE, terrific things to look forward to:
-Pedicures with roommates tomorrow!
-OUT dancing w/ friends tomorrow night!
-Swimming Sunday? (always always)
-UMN GD HH Tuesday
-AEA NEXT WEEK!!!!
-Back to Madison next weekend to Hang Out/Coffee With Chloe
-NATIONALS WITH DIANA 8/18!
-Ange’s wedding
-the FAIR (x3?)

So. I guess August isn’t all that bad.

OK seriously WTF BLS?! I need these numbers. Off to try other sources… Crash, STAY AWAY!!!!!

ETA: OH YEAH I got a check FROM my dentist for $145 yesterday, which I took as a Sign from the Universe that this might all work. MIGHT. Intending to spend it on sushi, jellybeans, and Prosecco, of course.

“When I counted up my demons / saw there was one for every day / put the good ones on my shoulder / I drove the other ones away // If you ever feel neglected / if you think all is lost / I’ll be counting up my demons, yeah / hoping everything’s not lost”

—Coldplay

Summer high dissipating, dissipating, no no no. I knew August might do this to me. No, no, no! It’s been so good I think I’m extra afraid of it NOT being good, like I just don’t know if I can deal. No no no.

(Yes I realize this is crazy to post right after my last post, but I AM crazy, so…there.)

Hoping this is (again, like in July) a one-or-two-day thing. Hope hope hope. Not ready for this yet.

“Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment. There is no Why.”

—Kurt Vonnegut

“A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.”

—Vonnegut, again

“Do things that make you happy. Don’t do things that don’t.”

—Andrea, 9/4/99

“And I thought I’d live forever / but now I’m not so sure / you try to tell me that I’m clever / but that won’t take me anyhow / or anywhere / with you”

—Lisa Loeb, Stay

time scattered feeling mostly dreamlike, melancholy, happy all at once wearing yellow top, white skirt “like an egg” “no it’s not!” music EITS, want Caspian though! ready for clinging to summer high to continue next floods

And maybe that’s what my magical summer of 2011 has been about—being trapped in the amber of the moment, but with joy upon joy for being trapped there. 2011 hasn’t been at all what I expected or planned, but it’s by now been so many good, good, GOOD things instead, I feel overwhelmed with luck and gratitude, as I often do. It’s amazing what exists out there if you just reach out to touch it.

I somehow had a conversation with Anna (5-year-old niece Anna, not crazy-college-Anna or Juicy-Juice-HITF-Anna) on Saturday at Devil’s Lake that ended with the conclusion that all things fade with time and all animals eventually die. I’m pretty sure I used the line “without death, there is no life” or something at one point. It sounds morbid and awful, and I kind of hope Stephie doesn’t read this anymore, but it was actually a really beautiful conversation and she seemed to take it in complete stride, with 5-year-old acceptance and curiosity.

Until you die…it’s all Life. This Is It. This _is_ all there is.

This is all there is:
Walking down a wholly unfamiliar Chicago street downtown and peering into a tea shop where you’re struck by the beauty of an old, familiar friend…an old, dear friend…waiting, willing to catch up with you despite a lapse of almost a decade; where words come as easily as they ever did, and you wonder why you ever gave it up. Second (third, fourth, eleventh) chances.

Driving down Michigan Avenue in crazy tourist Saturday Chicago on your way to the wedding of a second cousin whom you haven’t seen in probably 20 years, but who was a big influence on you via AIM through high school and college…walking in and knowing hardly a soul but being welcomed with open arms and introduced all around, seated at the head table despite it all…dancing with people you’ve never met or hardly know and coming away feeling like you’ve known them forever.

Strolling along Chicago’s magnificent mile with your sister and her fiance and her friend and friend’s husband, witnessing random street incidents, eating your way through their new neighborhood, looking through dolls and cracking inappropriate jokes, soaking up the sun and city and wandering without hurry…setting up on the rooftop with your sister, sleeping in the sun…sleeping amidst other highrises in DT Chicago as lightning streaks across the sky…joking and laughing abounds.

Watching your husband in a massive pillowfight with his niece and nephew, seeing him fall in love with them all over again, watching your nephew’s smile light up his whole face for whatever zany idea your husband has him engaged in next…turning over these moments with him the next day in your home and already plotting a visit back, to hang out some more…Anna and “JET” and dolls and beluga whales and “I saved a spot for you Jeff” and dance parties upstairs and throwing them up in the air, being a crazy aunt and uncle as we should be.

Swimming in a lake in the sun surrounded by rocks with your niece and cousin(s), your cousin pretending to be a shark and throwing “A-bomb” in the air, Anna shrieking with delight, Mike laughing and asking her perfectly silly questions, Anna getting to know her extended Mason family…Mason getting to know his namesakes…tournaments and alikeness and getting together and reuniting. STAYING IN TOUCH. Stay in touch.

—

And so much more. I can’t capture this past weekend nor the one before adequately, but it really was magical. This is Life. This is It. Happy summer 2011.

“Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment. There is no Why.”

—Vonnegut, again

“You’re adopting so many of my traits, it’s like I married a female version of myself.”

—…or something like that, Jeff, 7/28/11

So much to write about but instead it’s time to KICK ASS.

I love July.

Later.

“I like to make things happen”

—Shakira, Why Wait

“Put your trust in me
I won’t let you down
Don’t delay the things
That you want right now

One more night with you
I won’t think it through
Time’s money but you knew
There’s nothing in the world you can think of that I won’t do to you.”

Chicago was magical and over-the-top fun. Magical summer continues. But no time to write. In the meantime…

RAISE. THE. DEBT. CEILING.

Why wait?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

That is all.

“Drivin’ on 9 / you could be a shadow / beneath the streetlight / behind my home / drivin’ on 9 / I sure do miss you / pass the motels / looking at the pines”

—The Breeders

…or golden opportunities?

Today: bus, work, train, plane, train, meet up with 6th/9th/10th grade BFF for 1st time in over a decade, back on train, JENNY! Tomorrow: Hanging Out in Chi w/ JJ + then Chris + Yuyun’s reception…haven’t seen Chris since I was 8, but chatted with him a LOT throughout HS/college, + that/he was kind of pivotal. So. Sunday: More Jenny activities + tea with one of my dear dear friends from 12th grade, also haven’t seen her in probably ~10 years. Whew. Taking it too far? (Note: I could have taken it further and chose not to, so there’s that.) Admittedly apprehensive. Thank You Jenny for supporting my Tour de Midwest/Tour de le Past :).

I blame Facebook in general, Sarah’s wedding awesomeness (for giving me a chance to relive the past in its utmost glory, seriously)/TT reunion, and one of my other dear dear friends from 12th grade moving here (this probably would merit its own update ‘back in the day’, but, no) for all of this.

And…so far, it’s been kind of a magical summer. I would definitely trade it for other things, but I guess the upside to early 2011 trickery is all of this surprising, unexpected, good stuff. Eh?

Decades, being 18, reaching out and delving in…I wrote a pretty wacked out note on my Touch about all of this yesterday and was going to share it here but realized it’s just tooooooooo wacky, ha ha ha. (In THE PAST I would have gladly shared it, FWIW. HAH!)

Obviously having a terrible time accomplishing anything other than thinking/reflecting. SAME OLD STORY. Back to work.

“Drove to Chicago / all things know, all things know / we sold our clothes to the state / I don’t mind, I don’t mind / I made a lot of mistakes / in my mind, in my mind // You came to take us / All things go, all things go / To recreate us / All things grow, all things grow / We had our mindset / All things know, all things know / You had to find it / All things go, all things go”

—Sufjan Stevens, Chicago

“Are you kidding, it’s three of my favorite things – experiments, analytics, and BEETS.”

—Diana, 7/20/11

How much past is too much? About to find out. Forget 10-year-reunions, I’m all about 11. After all…it IS 2011…right?

Also (unrelated):

“Can I just be married to you forever?”

🙂

Also (also unrelated), happy 5th birthday to Anna!!

“I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind / there was something so pleasant about that place / even your emotions had an echo / in so much space // And when you’re out there / without care / yeah, I was out of touch / but it wasn’t because I didn’t know enough / I just knew too much”

—Gnarls Barkley, Crazy

“As usual, you are crazy.”

—Jeff, 7/18/11

“vapor kiss / memory of such longing / whispered dream / gone before the morning / Time is such a funny thing / it pulls you on like silly string / oh the pain and sorrow / Never thought the haunting of / such a temporary love could / make me beg and borrow”

—Supreme Beings of Leisure, Nothin’ Like Tomorrow

time afternoon feeling mostly pleased but w/ general sense of unease and worry wearing gray dressssss music spooky music, incl. Supreme Beings of Leisure ready for debt deal to get done next JS charts

Definitely still have the haunting sense of general unease. Somehow this time though it’s at least externally directed, vs. internally. & for that I am grateful!

(Well, OK. Not true. _SOME_ of this unease is internally focused. Inspired by Reunion June and THE PAST creeping its way upon me, I am stirring things up. Time to beat RANDOMNESS at its own game. Starting with Chicago this wkd, perhaps…vamos a ver. At least I’ll see Chris for sure which will be nice and weird in and of itself. But scheming up other possible reunions. Could be good. Could be terrible. Hence…UNEASE.)

Anyway. Mostly right now I am uneasy about the economy, including the recession + numbers + market unrest, and especially the debt ceiling stuff. Really really freaky. I’m serious. Despite being in a good position personally (for which I am very very GRATEFUL!!!) + household-wise, I just don’t like any of this. Feels way too 2009 to me and I just hate seeing so many people suffer. I mean, yeah, it’s mostly business as usual in my life at large, but damn. This just hasn’t been cool. And somehow I’m afraid it shall continue for the rest of the decade. Who knows.

I just don’t like the mood it casts upon everything and I especially dislike the uncertainty surrounding so many things in this country right now. Not good for anyone. Plus…not to be adolescent, but, it’s freakin’ summer man. Should be good times here! Come on.

I am listening to much spooky music and that is not helping matters at all. Too much coldpress too. Calmate, calmate, senorita!

Anyway. Moving along. Obsessed with our bathtub. “It’s the little things.” I used to think baths were gross, now that we have one after having been deprived I am way into it. YEAH!

80+ degree dewpoints. Totally junglelike. Totally insane.

Chi Fri-Mon. Soooooooooo excited to see Jenny and her new place! Sad to miss Jeff though : (. Luckily starting 7/25 he is allllll mine at least for a few weeks.

“Planned spontaneity” with my True Ten friends tonight! So proud of us all, self included, for making this happen. Wilde Roast I love thee!

Unease…be gone. Recession…be over. Shutdown…be done. These things I command, Universe. Por favor, mi amor. Make It Right.

Enough. OUT. Out out out.

I would just like to point out that it took me only one try to log in here. That’s something, even for everyday life.

I would also like to say:

2011 is all about THE PAST. Some of this has been coincidental and full of RANDOMNESS (in fact, most of it has been). But now I have been motivated to seek out ye past and see what comes of it. Starting w/ Chicago next wkd? Vamos a ver.

I bought an outfit from Diana’s youth at her garage sale today and that makes me TOTALLY CREEPY. SORRY BUT TRUE. I’ll have to apologize later…

I took a BATH in our house tonight (and fell asleep, but that’s another story…) WHILE the DISHWASHER was WASHING our DISHES. FREAKIN’ MIRACLES. I mean it!!! It totally blew my mind in every way.

We went to IKEA for an impromptu date brunch and it was incredible.

We had a very nice morning.

Then epic bike ride in heat wave with hardly any souls around (save ‘fave’ Parks employee at Kski’s, oops). Perfection! And a good chat w/ Diana’s mom.

And then straight hair. STRAIGHT! Smoky eyes. For no good reason other than…to cook dinner. 🙂

Jeff’s videogame is neighing. (No, really.) “Red Dead Redemption.” Comeback baby!

Duathlon w/ Diana?

“Party Bathtub” party in Aug?

There was more but…..that is All.

” ‘Each person does a little something,’ I said, ‘and there you are.’ “

—Kurt Vonnegut in Mother Night

“I have a kitty problem.” / “His name is Hakan?!” / “LEAK!”

—Samantha Cordonnier, 7/11-12/11

“You have to ‘like’ something before you can ‘unlike’ it? Hoh-oh, what a world!”

—Steve Mason, 7/12/11

“The romantic air of your eyepatch / called me across the room / I clung there and danced with you, silent / admired your divine tattoo…”

—Laura Veirs, Don’t Lose Yourself

time 12:20 pm feeling very _STARVING_ wearing cute orange striped skirt and white tank top and blue wrap woooo! music scary Inception and Dark Knight soundtracks ready for _LUNCH_ next lunch for real

It is crazy crazy dark out and storming like mad and I am kind of way in love with it. Sitting at my desk making updates and listening to Dark Knight and Inception soundtracks. (SIDE NOTE, today is the perfect day to [re]watch these movies, if you are not working this is what you should be doing.)

Jeff finally caught up on all of my updates and for that I am proud! Yay Jeff. I just got way into updating again, or something. Waves, people.

Last Friday I was unbearably crabby and down, so much so that I had to take the afternoon off (which was an amazing choice BTW, restored my happiness and sanity to the nth degree). This Friday I am in one of those incredible moods where I feel as if all is right with the world and all will work out and all that is Meant To Be shall and it will All Be OK. SO GREAT. I wish I could capture this feeling, or, at the very least, understand why/how it comes and goes. Ah well.

Jeff and I had a terrific rant about horrible Republicans this AM and it got me fired up. Then I realized…I need to chill the EFF out ha ha ha, it’s not good for me. That all said, I am horrified by the cavalier attitude many have toward the debt ceiling thing AND I am saddened by Dayton’s concessions. Dems, will we always be such spineless babies?! Could go on for paragraphs about this so will stop for now.

I went up north (of course!) w/ my fam, w/o Jeff (sad!), and it was a grand time minus my freakout (sorry all). The best times were out on the bike with Jenny. We saw a coyote on the path!

OK! Lunchtime. Just wanted to capture this great day.