lxforever

“You Only Live Twice or so it seems / One life for yourself and one for your dreams / You drift through the years and life seems tame / Till one dream appears and love is its name // And love is a stranger who’ll beckon you on / Don’t think of the danger or the stranger is gone / This dream is for you, so pay the price// Make one dream come true, you only live twice”

—Nancy Sinatra

“If ‘Happy Ever After’ did exist,”

—Maroon 5 / “PAYPHOOOOOOOOOONE!”

“‘Cause you are the one I could see having fun with / Not just for the night, but for the rest of my life / You are the one I could never be done with / I want you tonight and for the rest of my life”

—Meiko, Stuck On You

Lauren: “Let’s roll on over to the hotel” / Kaitlin: “WHERE’S JEFF?!”

—6/9/12, late into the evening…

“You’re my brown-eyed girl!”

—Me, to Jenny, near the end of the night 6/9/12 as they played Brown-Eyed Girl

Today is the third anniversary of LeRoy the Great’s death. Seeing as some of his greatest lessons, either accidentally or on purpose, were about family and Showing Up, it seems appropriate to write a bit about Jenny and Hakan’s wedding today, since it put together a whole lot of those two themes in one solid day – Showing Up in the greatest sense of the word.

RIP LeRoy, and thanks for such a great family.

—

It’s no secret that I’m way into Jenny. I’ve never really known life without Jenny in it. All of our childhood and most of our lives did almost everything together, either by force, by choice, or somewhere in between.

But just because you’re born 19 months apart and share the same interests and are called “gemelas/TWEEEEEEENS”(aka twins) by the Dominican Republic resort staff doesn’t mean you need to be obsessed with someone, that you have to feel that kind of deep fondness for them, that you must be a starry-eyed sister who can’t imagine a world without her. But I am, it’s true.

The same goes for my extended family. Just because we mostly come from the same high-strung, efficieny-oriented, Germangermangerman type of parents doesn’t mean we need to be friends, or want to dance with our uncles, or letting our youngest cousin share his “deepest darkest secrets”. But we are.

Jenny’s wedding was, as predicted, magical and perfect and met every single high-flying expectation I had for it – which is stunning under ordinary circumstances, but when things keep Not Meeting Expectations, well, to have something go so wonderfully feels almost like a miracle. I mean, I expected nothing less – Jenny worked her little butt off to put together a really fantastic day and thus memory of her and Hakan’s start to their marriage – but it’s just so gratifying to see it come true. And to see her dreams come true, so to speak.

Part of the magic and perfection, of course, is just that it was All About Jenny, and to me, she can hardly do any wrong (just ask Jeff, my other JJ, ha ha ha) – but a whole lot of it was the expectation-exceeding excellent time I had with my extended family – Mason and Freiday and all. We danced like crazy (and got all kinds of crabby old uncles and resistant younger cousins – thanks, shots – out on the dancefloor), we got to know people we didn’t know much previously (or at all – Jeff and Stu/Lili!), we just had a sparkling fantastic time. It was a beautiful wedding, and the reception ended up being a big family party I will never forget – probably one of my favorite memories, in fact. Good times had by all.

—

And thus begins…
EOTD 6-9-12!!!

Woke up near-ish 8am. Alarm clock fail. No matter. The bride was up and bathing (OK, showering). One of the biggest challenges/fears Jenny had WRT this whole wedding was her SLEEP the night before the wedding. She sometimes has sleep challenges and so was very afraid of this day/night. But NO MATTER! She slept beautifully and was anxiety-free and the day was sunny and gorgeous and thus it began. START!

Lana calls “is this hair salon place a bank?” Um…no. No matter. We pack up snacks and get in the soap-windowed Civic (“BRIDE!”) and head to Aniu to get our hair done (“hair done nails done!”). VEIL in tow! The BRIDE! Arrive and they have a little table/snack area set up for “Mason Bridal Party.” Oh Yes. Hair-doing begins. Stephie looks a bit panicked when she sees her hair-doer. Mine is name Barb and Lana’s is named Lexi. Intriguing. Liz is already there and we conspire to have our hair done the same (note: this happened even though our ladies did not speak/see each other). Hair is done! Looking terrific! Andra’s was best (out of bridesmaids anyway) but all were great. Stephie learns how to deal with the veil since I cannot (sorry, can’t do hair, that’s Jenny’s thing). Anna squirms in her chair. We pay and get some photos done by Karl and eat snacks (Argo Mojitea) and we’re off!

Back to 6733. Makeuping and eating. Funny that Jenny and I do our makeup together in our childhood bathroom where we had many a fight about sharing space while getting ready. HA! Lana and Jenny and I have a chat about some awkward but important duties one must undertake. Amusing. I discover midway through preparing that someone (Jeff) has not ironed his wedding clothes yet…oh dear. Not amusing. I quickly and steamingly (puns!) iron these…hmmmm. But, it was done. I finally get some food and the time starts flying. Alissa does Stephie’s makeup. Dad does the crossword. Dad then claims he’s driving with Jeff…who is (a) already ready to go and (b) needs to leave now. Hm. “Dad you can drive Jeff’s car. But…you should leave in 20 minutes…so you might want to shower soon.” “OK” (does another piece of the crossword) Oh dear! We all get ready to go. OFF TO QUIVEY’S!

Arrive at Quivey’s. Jackie Allison and Lauren are graciously doing flowers/decor and it looks AMAZING. Geniuses. (Well, Lauren’s providing food…) We start to get dressed, sort of. Fake makeup pictures with Karl. Interesting. Flower fiasco with Dad that Liz fixes – thank you Liz! Then it is time to dress THE BRIDE! Over her head the dress goes. Into the hooks the corset ribbon goes. Back and forth and back and forth. This is also something I probably should not be doing, but, I am MOH, after all, heh heh heh. “Uh oh, the modest panel!” OK. I stick it up her dress UH OH TOO CLOSE! She jumps and we laugh. OOPS. And then it is done. And she looks FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC (of course!).

Before we know it is is time. Line up! Down the stairs we go “don’t fall!” I do a lot of running in my little shoes, very bad idea, but, that’s what you do when you’re schlepping things from Stone House to tables in tent. NBD. The day is stunningly bright, vividly colored, superbly sunny – terrific, perfect. Jenny sparkles all over in the sun. We make last-minute lineup adjustments and try to coach Anna/Mason (they wind up running/veering down the aisle toward Steph, ha). In we walk! Ceremony is on!

Jenny walks down with my Dad and is breathtaking. (His last unmarried daughter. Life when you’re 64. Etc.) Hakan is all smiles (of course). I manage to arrange the train. Mason keeps whispering to Stephie “is it time for the rings?” Baby Hakan keeps trying to capture sound out of the speaker. The officiant is excellent. He is calm, well-spoken, cheerful and careful. J and H have put together a most wonderful ceremony, complete with beautiful readings by Jane/Deniz, heartfelt thoughts about this threshold they’re on, and lovely vows that have Jenny sniffling and sniffling. Awwwww. It’s one of the Top ceremonies I’ve had the pleasure of attending and while I am biased I do think it’s quite true. Hakan at one point looks Jenny over and says “very nice” which is very Him which is hilarious. I can’t help but crack up. Mostly I am trying not to cry man! Such a great thing.

And then – it is over, just like that. They are MARRIED!!! Oh my stars. Off into the sun the newlyweds go. Back down the aisle I go with the Best Man. I hustle everyone away as I can so we can get the wedding party together for the bus. “It’s a school bus,” Hakan keeps saying, despondently, “a big yellow one. The other one broke down.” Yeah, right. I keep laughing at his joke until we turn the corner and…it’s a big yellow school bus. HA! Try to get the shuttles but hotel is unconvincing. FINE. Onto the Big Yellow Schoolbus the bride, the groom, the wedding party and Jeff (JEFF! YAY!) go. Bud Light Lime, champagne, and water and granola bars for all! And super-loud pop music. Party!

The bus ends up being pretty funny and we take some great pics at Lake Wingra. Especially of Liz and the owl. It’s beautiful out and the lake is so quiet. Great spot for great shots (photos that is, not alcohol)! We do a few more…some on the bus…some in the road that make me extremely nervous…and book it back to Quivey’s. All the while prepartying before the BIG Party!

Back to Quivey’s. I bustle Jenny up the FIRST time WILDLY SUCCESSFULLY in the little restaurant-thing by the bathroom. That bustle was badass!!! Yeah! We see the Cordonniers, then we see Grandma who is pretty ill. Very scary to see. I am comforted by the fact that Lisa (and Connie, but Lisa’s the nurse, you know) is with her. She just needs rest and to escape the heat. Still. Disconcerting. But we are pushed by the demands of the evening and the Quivey’s lady and out we go.

Dinner begins! We are all introduced and take our places at the Head Table. Las Vegas, yo. It is cooling a bit out which feels very nice. The tent is full of family and friends beaming at J and H. Love it. Food is served, drinks are poured, toasts are made. My Dad’s ends with “we think the world of [Jenny]” which makes me cry. Geez Dad. So good. Suleyman is a ham. I get to sit next to Jenny!!! That is really cool. And across from Jeff, sort of. My JJs. J and H start going from table to table to say hi. I decide as MOH I should do the same and chat with Whites, Peggy, and Cordonniers. Funnn. There is a little confusion but then J and H are back and toasts round 2 begin. AKA moi. Best Man goes first. During this time bridesmaids are trying to Pump Me Up. Little do they know that I (not-so-)secretly love speaking and have been looking forward to toasting Jenny from the day she got engaged ;). I do a damn fine job if I say so myself. Which is good, since the Jenny Jane I know DESERVES a good toast! (Hers to me was so good I don’t know that I could top it, but at least did her a good turn. Anyway.) (I also drank Stephie’s champagne. Turns out I ended up drinking a lot that night, though it did not feel like it, which may have been the reason I was ‘sick’ aka hungover for like THREE DAYS after. Ugh. Gettin’ old man…)

Anyway. Cake is eaten (already cut earlier!), people move their places, sun starts slowly setting. SocialIZing. Jeff meets my cousin Stuart for the FIRST time and they hit it off immediately. He and Lili and Stu chat and chat and chat. I love seeing that. The dancing begins – Jenny and my Dad dance to “I Believe In You” – hipster/cool, Steve. Hakan and Jenny dance beautifully – awwwww. Then Marc’s song comes on shortly after that and I convince him and Katie to dance (the “how low can you go/can you go down low”), because it’s the “GODDAUGHTER!” song from Allison and Justin’s wedding. Ahahahaha. The moral of this story is that EVENTUALLY we get ALMOST EVERY SINGLE UNCLE to dance – even Mike, and Steve continues to dance of his own volition all night (which is super badass/fun). AW YEAH!

Dance dance dance. (Needless to say I change shoes.) Steph S. gets the dancing going. We get reluctant cousins to dance (Charlie, Patrick). I literally pick Megan up and place her on the dancefloor. I grab hands with cousins and we “get” people by hooking them in our embrace. HA! Mason and Anna dance dance dance. Anna keeps popping in to dance with Jenny/Hakan which is quite amusing. People play games, Chloe reads to Mason, etc. That family, man. Mike and Kaitlin do their Michael Jackson dancing. YEAH! Kaitlin inspires Steve to dance however he wants “that Kaitlin” he keeps saying. Even cooler! We talk about Turkish Star Wars. I joke with Matt C and Steph C-C about, well, everything. So fun to see them. Matt C dances with my mom…bless his heart! My Dad dances with me to Over The Rainbow. He makes a concerted effort to dance with each of his daughters which melts my heart.

Callmemaybe! is played, I freak out, Steph S divulges that Matt M is way into this song. HA big surprise… I keep checking in on Jeff warning him he will have to dance soon, but he is having fun chatting. That’s fine! I have companions! Mason and I make up a weird (probably dangerous) eye-pokey thing that he then tries on everyone (mostly the girls). HA! Anna does a little bit of her jig for Jeff. “Jig gone wild aaaah!” The night settles in. I jump around to “Jump Around” (by this point I should be dead, where is this energy coming from? I don’t know). Mason and I dance to Eminem, then the last song of the kids’ night which is “Intergalatic” by Beastie Boys. I will never forget that! He made me literally just run in a circle over and over. Luckily I didn’t throw up, whew. Every time I tried to stop he insisted on more. Those 3-year-olds. Too good to be true.

Steph/Mike/kids pack up and we say bye. 🙁 sad! But the fun/dancing continues. There’s at least an hour to go, yall! Ian starts telling me I don’t want to know what he/Jeff talked about (it started with “let’s tell each other our deepest darkest secrets…” hmmm. Interesting times with a 9-year-old I’d say) because “I will want to divorce him” if I know which I find hilarious. I find out Jeff let Ian say his favorite swear word which is the Offense (starts with an S). I don’t care but I bet Jane does! Ha ha. Chloe divulges that her dad was a disco king and Jane says “can we PLEASE not tell people that?!””this was before I knew him” HA. Katie and I have a nice chat. Barb and Glenn get into the dancing, too! They are really good sports, those Eagan folk.

The night turns south (north?). Jeff starts dancing. YES!!!!!! Jeff and I dance with Liz and Alex and shout nonsensical things about S Mpls/Lake Nokomis. HAHAHAHAHA oh dear. Steve creates and WEARS glasses made of glow bracelets – really cool, actually! Art on the prowl! He continues to dance which is pretty amazing. Jenny and Hakan dance and visit and go all over. I take pictures of Hakan and his boyzzz with cigars. I think I scare the Turks with my craziness…oh well. Luckily my family is part of it. 🙂 I clean up the big tent a bit throughout all this. Laugh at a photo of Mike in the guest book (background!). Etc.

Starships, Build Me Up Buttercup, other great songs come on. Then Brown-eyed girl. “You’re my brown-eyed girl!” I tell Jenny as we dance. Awwww. Ian requests “PAYPHONE!” which becomes the SONG of the NIGHT! We get EVERYONE in the family out dancing to this, including Stuart and Lili, including uncles, including Ian! HILARIOUS. (We probably think Ian requested it because it has swear words in the not-clean version, ha ha.) I still love listening to that song and reliving the dancefloor.

The last song is “Home” which makes me warm and fuzzy all over. I dance with Jeff like we’re the only people there. LOVE! Oh, love, love, love. And then…the wedding is O V E R over!! OVER! My cousins are still at a picnic table, my Dad is taking down lights, my Mom is walking around and Jenny/Hakan are Paying Up. Jeff and I get in on the pizza order via Steph S. I give her $ “let me give you $, I have some!” Matt slurs and I shout at him. “Where is your WIFE?!” (oops) “MATT! Lauren is your COUSIN! So you can’t marry her!!” Hmmmmm. Lauren cracks up. Steph S places a perfect Glass Nickel pizza order, thanks Siri!

This I did not witness – only Kaitlin’s part – but it did happen (and explains Kaitlin’s insistence on finding Jeff):
Lauren says “let’s roll on over the hotel” (across the way)
Kaitlin gets wide-eyed “WHERE’S JEFF?!” (this is the only part I witnessed) and finds him
apparently then Kaitlin, Jeff, Mike and ? all ROLL down the hill/toward the hotel. This is borne of a conversation at Laura’s 2nd b-day party in 2011 and this is nutso and amazing all at once. Oh My Stars.

I help my Dad pack up the car, taking some things from him (as well as a few beers/waters for the road [not literally, the hotel is luckily a few steps away]). I give Jenny a big hug and take a few last pics. Good bye Wife and Husband! Happy Wedding! Everyone leaves, Jeff and I finally go back to the hotel. Our room is open which is disturbing…whatever. Dump our stuff and go to Room 100 where the PARTY IS! Mike is wearing a Speedo. This doesn’t alarm or surprise me. It does Jeff. Everyone is laughing. Roll call: Mike, Matt, Steph S, Kaitlin, Charlie, Patrick, Lauren, me, Jeff. OK I think someone else was there but maybe not. Matt makes fun of Steph’s speech school issues after we all make fun of him too many times but Steph just laughs. She is great. Mike ‘finds’ a note to Matt under his pillow. “Steph…911[all] is well.” Hmmmmmm… Patrick suddenly impersonates GT w/ the cherries, that story from long ago “I don’t have TIME for that—whoaaaaa!” with the AC. I didn’t realize how widespread that story went. HA. Lots of making-fun-of-parents talk and pizza-eating and LOTS of laughing. Hilarious postpartying and just as memorable as any cousin hotel party in the Past. Love it.

—

This was way more detail than you ever probably wanted to know, but, there it is. I did not detail surrounding events, but I suppose photos do it justice. The next morning there was hotel breakfast, hellos with Maral/Cordonniers, and JENNY/Hakan! YAY! And then…back to MN. Back to Life. Back to Reality.

But what a lovely whirl. I am so happy for the newlyweds (even if we can’t believe Jenny is a WIFE [though NOT 30, yet]!). CONGRATULATIONS!

—

In other news, I would like to share two separate responses to my entry yesterday, about the kitty:

JENNY:
“Hi!! I just read your website. WHY DIDN’T YOU TAKE THE KITTEN HOME!? Haha just kidding but that sounds so cute.”

CHRISTIE:
“Mystical or not, I am a little horrified that you snuggled a random cat on the street!?!? How do you know it won’t be a psycho kitty that would claw your eyes out?”

As you can see, we have broad spectrum of cat fans/haters in my life. All right. OUT!

ETA: Forgot to mention that not only did Ian catch the garter (which was gotten off Jenny after a very amusing/awkward display by Hakan, ha), but he like JUMPED and FOUGHT to catch it, then wore it on his arm all night. Jane approved. This is weird but also hilarious.

As mentioned, my uncle is undergoing treatment for a brain tumor. Here is a little bit from an email my aunt (his wife) wrote/sent along to me today. It makes me cry every time I read it – and it makes me realize, for all my gratefulness/etc, I still have more to know about a powerful marriage – because this, from 67-year-olds, is what a strong partnership looks like. I can only aspire to one day be able to face later-in-life (one hopes) challenges together in this way:

“But despite my whining, we’re really mostly enjoying our time together–at least from my perspective–i am just so happy we have each day together … [he] worries that he’ll be a burden to me etc. etc. and I really don’t since we have no idea what/if will come. Except in the end everything will be perfect.”

And with that…a post about Jenny’s wedding forthcoming.

“Well, I don’t know if I’m happy for them. I mean, I’m glad they’re happy, but frankly it doesn’t do anything for me.”

—Jerry Seinfeld

“It is a curious sensation: the sort of pain that goes mercifully beyond our powers of feeling. When your heart is broken, your boats are burned: nothing matters any more. It is the end of happiness and the beginning of peace.”

—George Bernard Shaw

“One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life. That word is love.”

—Sophocles

I so badly want to record Jenny’s wedding, her existence as a beautiful bride, the craziness/wondrousness of my extended family, the big yellow schoolbus, seeing Jenny and Hakan together and wed, etc. But I keep putting it off. And I’m afraid I’m about to enter another bout with my old friends melancholia and darkness.

Oh dear.

But something will come. In the meantime I thought I should write a little ditty and see what comes of it. Here we go. Here is what’s up.

-Today, describing our relationship to someone, Jeff and I made someone teary (um, besides me, that is, ha ha). I don’t say that to brag, but more to recognize just how lucky that is and, well, honor it, I think. It’s a pretty intense, amazing thing.

-On Saturday we had a Date Night! It was a very suburban day. I had just met Kristin at THE MALL (no, seriously), then Jeff and I hung out at BEST BUY in the southern suburbs (vs. NE)…yes we did. It was kind of cool…we looked at ridiculous ovens and small appliances. HAHAHAHA anyway. We then went to the restaurant next door and had margaritas, beer, nachos and enchiladas, with an incredibly lovely server aptly named Joy. Oh Yes! Then home…and for a walk where it was STILL LIGHT OUT at 9:45pm. Minnesota…I love thee. On our walk we ran into a mystical kitten who trotted right up to us. We gave her some good snuggles and then she kept following us. She was really cute and we almost took her home…almost. Ha.

-“COMMUNITY ANNOUNCEMENT! COMMUNITY ANNOUNCEMENT!” Thus we got a new lamp.

-What do you do when one of your friends sends you an email with a quote from a blog she reads by someone ‘very wise’ and then you realize…it’s YOUR OWN BLOG??? AHAHAHAhaha. I forget that people might keep reading. So, readers, thanks for being there, even if I don’t realize Who You Are (even some of my closest friends a la Kelly 😉 ).

-Speaking of…someone (Kelly) sent me the Most Amazing Card Ever. I actually am carrying it around with me everywhere. Plus some books. WOW!

-Good new kids in Parks classes. That makes me happy.

-Lots of cold press. That makes me happy…also very anxious. Hmmmmm.

-New yoga instructor love now that Nikki is gone…Macarena. I am already excited for Saturday!

OK. Maybe I can do the wedding stuff now. We’ll see. Please keep this darkness at bay!!!

I will be back later (I hope, anyway) to do a major JENNYWEDDINGFEST post. In short: it was OUTSTANDING in every.single.way. Best.Wedding.Ever. Etc.

However…

This week is very busy and I am fighting some phantom sickness. So. But I’ll get to it, I really will! I just wanted to note something(s). Basically this: last summer was all about PARTYING and REUNIONS and HEAT. And ignorant bliss? 2011 man.

I’m not sure what Summer 2012 will be about, nor what I want it to be about. For a brief moment I thought it was set to be a really depressing, Bell-Jar-ish stretch, with the Olympics(!!!!!!) happily sprinkled in. But now I’m thinking it’s about this: Relaxing…down time…+ being w/ only Jeff/and other select, particularly-close friends/isolation (in a good-ish way). Basically doing WHATEVER I WANT and not giving in to social/societal pressures. Riiiiiight.

We shall see.

Also worth nothing: this morning I actually woke up HAPPY about nearly EVERYTHING in my life, and it had been weeks+ since that happened. It was amazing. I know better than to trust it, but still. It’s a start.

I love Jeff. And JENNY!

Adios! More later.

“We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down.”

—Kurt Vonnegut

“They say hello they say hola and they say BONJOUR”

—Tinie Tempah/Diana

“My plan of going to bed at midnight and not getting drunk did not work.”

—Jenny, 6/3/12

“I’ve been reducing my pork consumption in preparation for owning a pet pig.” / “Do I make slop or do I buy slop?” / “Are you a pig person?”

—Chloe, 6/3/12…#potentialpigownerproblems…GOD I was laughing to TEARS over this conversation! “Maybe you should work to breed even smaller pigs.” “Then she’d get to keep all the mistakes!” -Derek. AHAHAHAHAHA!

“Did I tell you about the time I accidentally skied over a cliff…twice?? I was a really good skier and that happened to me. Of course, I still AM an excellent skier, at 64 years old, I ski circles around ’em.”

—Steve Mason, 6/4/12

I heard a story yesterday that was so sad. So intense. It struck me quite so. It was about someone I don’t even know but still. May wasn’t bad for just moi.

(Duh. But you know. Self-centeredness and all. But just when you think you’ve got it bad…instead you’re happy you + your loves are alive, so far without fear.)

(& I guess it was inspiring, too…tragically so, but still. Why not fight fate, I guess? What have you got to lose?)

Life is pretty tricky, fragile, and tenuous.

That much is clear.

Alyssa sent me flowers on Friday. Beautiful roses. It was pretty amazing.

She wanted to get my June off to a good start. What a wonderful thought.

So far it is.

I am living in Madison for the week which is fun but weird, of course. I have a hard time getting around town. Like, I couldn’t even remember where Kinko’s was? Who am I?? But it’s fun/funny to hang out with my parents, and helpful to be able to do wedding-type things.

But I miss Jeff!! 🙁

He will be here soon, thankfully.

Going to lunch with Connie and Lisa today which is pretty cool! Last night had beers with Daniel on the Union Terrace. I felt like such an impostor (and was freaked out to run into anyone I know), but it was quite a beautiful evening to sit by the lake. It was open mic night and a bunch of elementary-school kids got up and sang their school song (“Henry David Thoreau!”). Hilarious, adorable. There was a Catholic bible study group next to us. Also amusing. We also talked about fish.

YES I know I am here in WI for the Walker recall and not really talking about it. Eh well. That’s what you get. Sorry man.

This entry is disjointed.

OH WELL!

NEW TOPIC(S)! The wedding is in 3 days. MUY EXCITED! Nationals are also this weekend, really really cool/love reading all the girls’ tweets about hanging out with each other AS they are serious Competitors. Awwwww. Really excited to see what comes of the meet. I have a good feeling about it.

I have an excellent feeling about the wedding! It might be hot but I think it will be WONDERFUL! I have high hopes for it and I don’t expect them to be crushed. Jenny is acing the planning and it’s going to be quite a lovely shebang. Jenny and Hakan love a good party, and that will make it even better!

Which means I better improve my speech. Hmmmm.

But YES!!!!!!!

I will be very very sad when it is all over. BUT! I will be HAPPY to cut my nails. I HATE LONG NAILS. So I guess I have that to look forward to ;).

Mason wants to put the ring on Jenny. No no! But so cute.

Jeff wants “COTTON CAN-DAY!”

Sunday was Rachel’s graduation (which is the whole point of me being here for this whole darn week). I didn’t really like the ceremony (well who does), except Epic seemed cool, and I met a Jeff who also thinks Geoff is weird, haha. But the party was HILARIOUS and terrific. At some point I found myself at a table with a 17-year-old, an 18-year-old, and a 19-year-old, chatting away. I hope they didn’t think too hard about the fact that I am 30/over a decade removed. Because it was really fun. See, I like people of all ages!

Chloe made me die laughing with her pig saga. Just 5 years to go! HAHAHAHAHAHA that family is great.

I got to meet the Burke girls’ boyfriends (well, spend more time with them) and they are all lovely. I introduced myself to Derek (Rachel’s) by saying “I follow you on Twitter…”…haha. Because I do. It was pretty great, actually.

We also reminisced about Chloe’s first meeting of Jeff, how she was like 11 and he got all on her case about RISK (the game)…as a 26-year-old or whatever. OH DEAR. As he said later “Well it’s RISK!” LOL. I’m glad it didn’t faze her. She isn’t easily fazed I guess.

Elizabeth and I also convinced Chloe to not get married for a long time. Heh. “At least 10 years!”

That is all. It’s time to work. T-3 days!!!!!!! FUN!

“Hope ever tells us tomorrow will be better.”

—Tibullus

Alexis
ok cool
great!
I will just get like $125 in cash
8:34 AM
Jenny
ok
i have $1020 in cash
haha”

—gchat

Alexis
oh LOL!
oh you and npr
10:13 AM
Jenny
it’s my friend”

—gchat II

I can’t believe Tiffany and I randomly plotted to have lunch at Luce, which is ON THE CORNER of where Obama’s presidential motorcade arrived today, right as lunch was ending!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I then stood out on 2nd Ave until he (well, the motorcade) finally came by and then it did and oh what an amazing feeling.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO AWESOME!!!

THIS is what a TRUE celebrity crush looks like, folks ;).

This only makes me want to go to Bachelor Farmer THAT.MUCH.MORE. Ahhhhhhh!

Then I was quoted in a Strib Storify article, was tweeted about next to Jason DeRusha (my other celeb crush…!) + got a tweet back from him, and had my app written up in a little article. What. A. Day!!

The jobs # was horsesh*t and not at all a good sign. 2011 all over again. (Oh dear. Oh dear. Please no.) DJIA bloodbath. But still.

Tiffany is amazing and I am so so so lucky and happy to have her as a friend. What an inspiring woman.

And soon I shall bike home in the beautiful day. Then Hang Out with Jeff.

So far June is off to a great start!!!! Thank Pod for that. I needed that.

Happy June!

“One friend came in / with lit / sparklers in both her hands for me / and saved the day / when I had run away / to darkness and black feelings”

—The Innocence Mission

“Everybody knows / it hurts to grow up / and everybody does / so weird to be back here / Let me tell you what / the years go on and / we’re still fighting / we’re still fighting it”

—Ben Folds

hurt, hurt, hurt

Oh Mortality May. Just one more day. One more day.

Hang in there.

May 2012 was a Disaster Zone. Brutal. It reminded me of a mini 2011. Not something I wish to repeat soon if ever, if I can help it. Good things happened, but mostly bad. I won’t miss it.

BUT. Tomorrow is JUNE, and there is a wonderful wedding ahead in just 9 days. THE EVENT of the year!!! Jenny and Hakan! Fun For All!!!

AND these last few days of May were preceded by 4 days off of solid fun (well, minus a few annoying details/events, I suppose) for Memorial Day weekend. Since these 4 days are mostly NOT representative of this sh*tshow of a month, they deserve an…

EOTW.

EOTW. My weekend began Thursday evening as I took Friday off at the advice of a trusted advisor. (NOTE, a very good choice/made a HUGE difference in my sanity to have four days off in a row where I did not have to keep my act together all damn day. BLISS.) And Thursday evening began with an ex(?)HITF HH reunion. Loring Park. Developer superstar BOYZ PJ/JV, Reverend Price, the DOPS, DOPS’s ofiance, and me. We discussed the future of online learning, the futility of online teaching, tips and tricks in the world of app dev, Java/C#, hating on design school and designers (Eric), Facebook pages for gov’t-related things (Petra), and more. I enjoyed a Surly Furious at JV’s rec. We parted ways and I went home to Jeff. Happy.

Friday Jeff was working but I was not. I rode my bike around the lakes, worked on wedding-related things, and went grocery shopping. Wrote a speech. Caught up on gymnastics gossip/gossip-board drama. Probably did more? I can’t recall? But it was a fine day off and much needed. Down time. Alone time. Jeff finally came home and I made us egg sandwiches (him) and BLTs (me). Awesome. We caught up on shows I think? Maybe not. Sorry, can’t remember. But it was nice.

Saturday…it was rainy. Jeff had to work. I drove him to work like a WIFE. I got home and cried a little bit. I was lonely, but also wanting to be alone…conundrums. Gah. Called Diana and Kristin and felt better. Finally got on the snake and got a’crackin’ on some more projects. It was the perfect sort of day for PROJECTS. Rainy rainy day, house to myself, Sex and the City marathon/Goodwill Hunting on TV, random gymnastics to follow along with – e.g., Simone Biles won the juniors portion of US Classic. Cool.

I accomplished a fair bit, then got dressed for yoga, packed the car, and went back to pick up Jeff. We went to a 5:30 75-minute C2 class downtown with one of our other favorite instructors. John. He is funny and energetic while also being very calming. The class was packed with yoga superstars. No mind. We fit right in and I put their handstands to shame. It was a very sweaty, very good class. 75 minutes = super. Yoga with Jeff = the best.

Showered there. They were playing the American Beauty soundtrack. Weird. Back home so Jeff could shower and we could dress up for dinner! Ginger Hop. One of our new favorite places. We were seated immediately. There was hardly anyone around which was kind of cool. I love being in town for Memorial Day weekend, because everyone else leaves. Anyway. The server was excelente as was the food. I got a ridiculous cocktail and Jeff got some Japanese beer. Jeff was IN LOVE with the food, me too, and we vowed to return soon. A long, leisurely, late dinner. Quite lovely. Always lovely to be alone with Jeff.

Blizzards. Home. Bed.

Sunday it was going to be very hot. We took our time getting our act together. Finally off! We visited Jeff’s grandpa’s grave. Always nice to do this weekend. Thank You Soldiers. I wish I had met him. Alas. Grandpas. 🙁 Life. Then to Bachman’s! Acquired many beautiful plants and supplies. Home to planty plant. After some shepherd’s hook confusion, we have a beautifully planted patch and a lovely little garden. Carrots! New heavy-duty spade. Etc. Finally we rinsed off and Jeff went to the gym, I went to the pool. Highland Park Pool….not very cool, actually. It is cheaper than Richfield and less trashy, but I prefer Richfield’s. But it was OK. Read my book and swam in the deep end.

Finally home. Read my book some more…addicted…finally showered and Jeff had fallen asleep. Late late evening napinski! I start dinner and a storm starts brewing. I get scared…! And so wake Jeff up. “You know what to do!” “Ok.” He loves WEATHER drama. I cook stir fry and he watches storms. Satellite goes out. Eh well that’s OK. Amazing stir-fry!

Then…? I don’t remember. OH YEAH! Mad Men. SUPER intense. Don kissing Peggy’s hand/Pegs leaving made me tear up a bit, it felt like leaving my first two jobs for sure (esp HITF). Oh agency life. I’m a sucker. I also teared up for Joanie…sad day. Yes this is a TV show I am aware. Anyway. Bed?

Monday…Monday Monday. I know I read my book on the patio and ate a lot of food! Eating and reading outside oh yeah! Lots of coldpress too…probably too much…I don’t care anymore. It is good and life is life. Anyway. Also lime beer! Jeff mowed and I planted seeds. Then off for a bike ride! It was an AMAZING ride, very fast, very intense (thanks to Jeff), up the river and goingsofast sofast sofassssst YES!! We got all the way to the Washington Ave bridge. Record time! Then back. Then relax. Then shower and GRILL! Jeff is a master griller. Steak and asparagus. We eat outside, then I work on projects. I’m exhausted from the bike ride and intend to sleep well but I’m pretty sure I woke up a lot. Oh Well.

So that my friends was a fantastic fun weekend with Jeff. I miss him from next week already 🙁 awwwww.

I am still hurting. That is that. There is nothing that can be done other than sitting with it. There is no way out other than through. But this week was a small improvement over the last. I just need more sleep.

Also Nationals next weekend too! Wow. I think I’ve got the team…Douglas Maroney Wieber Raisman Ross. Maybe sub Liukin/Li for Ross. We’ll see. But. That is my story for now.

Tomorrow Obama is in town…next door more or less. Exciting/confusing?! We’ll see. I think I should bike. Then pack then leave. Whew.

I am very very excited for the wedding and all of it. Just a few more days. My JJs. How I love them.

Happy June, I hope.

“We are not your kind of people / you seem kind of phoney / Everything’s a lie // We are not your kind of people / Something in your makeup / Don’t see eye to eye // We are not your kind of people / Don’t want to be like you / ever in our lives”

—Garbage, Not Your Kind Of People

“If you are looking for disappointment / you can find it around any corner / in the middle of the night I hold on to you tight / so both of us can feel protected / Tell me where it hurts / to hell with everybody else / all I care about is you and that’s the truth / they don’t love me / yeah I can tell / but you do / so they can go to hell”

—Garbage, Tell Me Where It Hurts

I am hurting, that’s no secret, and so are many others I’m sure. And believe it or not, there are people who manage to be careless enough to make it hurt more. Such is life.

I am having a hard time writing anything acceptable, but I did want to note this: not only do I have old friends who will meet me for tea and let me cry on the street, who will send me encouraging emails they know will make me cry so they warn me in advance to read it elsewhere (Diana); old friends who will talk/email/carry me through anything (Kristin, Kelly); and more, of course. But a new friend, someone I’ve known only a year, who shouldn’t really know what to do but somehow does, who does this: who hears bad news, buys me coffee unprompted, is encouraging without being pushy or prying, and then…

…notices I have had an empty can of coconut LaCroix (sparkling water for those not in the know; coconut is a rare, difficult-to-find but amazing flavor I’ve found only once) sitting on my desk for literally months, and so today, before I got in to the office, she placed two cans of this stuff by my keyboard. It was the first thing I saw at my desk.

Who DOES this?!

Amazing.

And a husband who emails me photos of little kittens kissing 🙂 even though I know his day is busybusybusybusybusy bee. 🙂 🙂 🙂

I am so so so happy to have Jenny’s wedding on the horizon. Just 16(!!!!) more days!! AND the plotting. Svetlana Alexis etc. YAY JENNY.

Yay sisters. Yay people who know how to ease pain for even a moment, and then do so.

“Fool enough to almost be it / cool enough to not quite see it / Doomed / Pick your pockets full of sorrow / run away with me tomorrow / June / We’ll try and ease the pain / somehow / we’ll feel the same / Well, no one knows / where our secrets go”

—Smashing Pumpkins/LXv1.0

evil, evil, evil

2012 is NOT The Year.

So, so not.

1. Megan and Matt’s graduation was excellent. I love family functions and I love my family. Ian always makes me laugh and Jane is too too funny. So nice to see everyone and a great distraction.

2. My previous entry still stands. I am more or less in crisis mode I guess (note: UNRELATED to the next items on this list, FWIW). However, thanks to a great yoga class Thursday, patience from Jeff, and then an amazing catchup/street-crying (oh yes) session w/ Diana Friday I am in a much better place.

Yet. The theme of the upcoming weeks+ is as follows: FIND STILLNESS. The only things I intend to undertake include this: any previously-agreed-upon social outings, anything for Jenny’s wedding (yay), getting enough sleep/food, limited alcohol/caffeine intake, and lots of time with Jeff, and time with myself. FIND STILLNESS. I need my brain to be peaceful and calm and not put pressure on myself and/or anyone else. If I were a religious person, we would call this “praying”, however I am not really any longer. So! That is that.

If you are reading this and I know you IRL, I would appreciate space and understanding about these new things. I don’t necessarily want to talk about it but I do always value good thoughts and peace and knowing you are there. Thank you.

3. Jenny looked A M A Z I N G !!! in her wedding dress, and she is going to be a G O R G E O U S bride in just 19 (?!) days. !!! HOLLA! I seriously cannot wait. It is the Highlight of the Year for sure. It’s going to be wonderful!!! I had a lot of sister time w/ her this weekend too and that was excellent and much-needed. We also got fun new makeup.

4. When I came home yesterday Jeff cheered “YAY! YAY! YAY” over and over and over which was awesome. He is…THE BEST. He is all I need, in the end.

5. May 2012 is Evil, Evil, Evil. Evil. 10 days left in May and my goal is to get everyone out alive. I’m only slightly exaggerating. I would be happy to have this month over ASAP. To recap: Sunday-school-teacher with the brain tumor = my Uncle Joe out in Oregon. I have not seen him in years but he is a most wonderful man of whom I have many fond memories from childhood. Unreal and so, so unfair. Recap II: Friend who lost her baby = one of my dear friends was going to have a baby in November and is no longer. Awful and so, so unfair.

I believed in 2012 up until this month. Mortality chased us right into this year now didn’t it?

6. Recap III. I hadn’t directly mentioned my sister’s news here because I no longer believe in babies until they are alive and breathing air from this Earth (also why I now intensely dislike baby showers; I should be Jewish). But. My older sister was expecting a baby in October and is no longer. Unreal and unfair and shattering and wrong.

I don’t know who reads here any longer but that is what’s going on. If you are a cousin your mom has this information and will pass it along to you; I’m sorry if you read it here first. Other than that, I’m sorry if this was too much for anyone in one day. It shouldn’t be anything that happens on one planet, anyway. And yet it does. Give your loved ones a hug for me.

“Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out, I can’t remember a thing. It wasn’t until later…when I was washing the blood off my hands…I even knew they were dead.”

—Velma Kelly/Catherine Zeta-Jones, Chicago

“Born to please, every simple need / I stand alone in my thoughts indeed / Hate you / for ever making me / I’m in you, I’m your anything”

—Smashing Pumpkins, Set The Ray To Jerry

Shock is a powerful thing. I miss it.

F*ck The Future. FUCK EVERYTHING!

I can’t do this.