lxforever

“Do you know what’s going to happen in the new year?” -a mom trying to gin up giving up the pacifier far too late in life “Yes.” -Preschooler2 “You do? What’s going to happen?” -the mom “I don’t know.” -Preschooler2 “Oh.” -mom “Do you know what’s going to happen in the new year, Mommy?” -Preschooler 2

—the maddening logic of preschoolers

“Happy new year! We won’t make it to 12:00 am. Wow 2020”

—Steve, 12/31/19

“If you could see what I see, you’d be blinded by the colours / Yellow, red and orange and green, and at least a million others / So tie up the bow, take off your coat and take a look around / ‘Cause the sky is finally open, the rain and wind stopped blown’ / But you’re stuck out in the same old storm again / You hold tight to your umbrella, well, darlin’ I’m just tryin’ to tell ya / That there’s always been a rainbow hangin’ over your head”

—Kacey Musgraves, Rainbow

“Everyone I’ve ever loved is here within these walls / I’m sorry secret siren but I’m blocking out your calls / I’ve had my adventure, I don’t need something new / I’m afraid of what I’m risking if I follow you”

—Frozen II

“And time goes quicker / Between the two of us / Oh, my love, don’t forsake me / Take what the water gave me / Lay me down / Let the only sound / Be the overflow”

—Florence + The Machine, What The Water Gave Me

“O Lord, my God, when I in awesome wonder / Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made / I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder / Thy power throughout the universe displayed / Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to Thee / How great Thou art, how great Thou art”

—How Great Thou Art

“For a moment this good time would never end”

—Dave Matthews Band, Stay (Wasting Time)

A cup of coffee, an open book, stretches and hurriedly eaten date bar, meditation music. Joyous morning greetings, sleep tousled heads, hugs of fleece contrasting nylon and lycra. Out the door, into the studio, step-taps and windmill arms and mid core, to laying breathless in the dark, music pumping, the bliss of movement. Stamps, postcards sent, snacks procured, reading and bacon and rolls and coffee once more. Reunited to goofballs playing, then a shower, quickly scooting out the door. Tiny hairs cut, diminutive braids, trifling sparkles and miniature lollipops; big smiles on beautiful girls.

Bright snow shoveled, neighbors saying hello, back out into the day to a favorite place. Chips and drinks and lunches and laughter, strange offers of salt and pepper from a helpful place as a child imitates the world. A quick hug with a friend, then crayons and colors and dressmaking diversions, a promise to return soon. Hungry anger, strawberry smoothie and soothed feelings, twilight shopping for screens. A ride of toy trucks, hands waving, kisses blown, shiny eyes and teeth gleaming with cheer; her first time with just sister. Screaming on a rollercoaster to the ceiling, streaking through the dark sparkled mall, flying around corners with our very first thrill-seeker by my side, the laughing exclamatory high as we disembark. One last circle riding horses, then back to snacks and pajamas and light-up glasses, a toast of water by the fire with kisses all around. Some silly shows, then snuggled deep, exhausted but comforted by a day together.

A year together.

It’s been quite a year and I mean that in a good way. It wasn’t all good, of course, and this was the year we lost Kathleen, but the surroundings were damn charmed, as it goes, and for that I am incredibly grateful.

It’s also been quite a decade, so a few words on that first:
-this is probably the 5th most transformational decade of my life…80s, I was born, 90s, I graduated, 00s, I got through college and started working and got married, 10s I had children…I guess you could say 10s was more than 00s but I don’t think so because one can’t exist without the other. ANYWAY. I suppose this is just the Way Of Life and nothing interesting, blah blah whatever the point is I am almost middle aged and the most exciting times are not to come, but I am really enjoying the less exciting times lately TBH
-I would say this decade has been for me/our household, in particular, about three things:

1. 1: Serious Health Reckonings (though I suspect this will be part of future decades anyway as we get older, etc)
2. 2: Kids
3. 3: Career Moves (not away but up)(see previous disclaimer)

These have been interesting things and we have learned a lot. See Jane Run. Etc I have written about these before so whatever.

I would say the decade itself was about girls and ugliness, personified most in the USAG scandal disaster and the overall grossness that’s come out in the world about how horribly unfair we treat each other as a society. I do have a cockamamie idea about how better customer service will save the world in a way, that I can share with you sometime if you want, but the point is, we’ve spent the 10s getting the uglies out and while that’s icky, I hope it means we’ll start making progress. As society, that is. Unless we kill the Earth first. (Better than the 00s decade, maybe, which was about scams and hope? OK maybe not better.)

ANYWAY. 2019.

I feel like a lot of it was about water, or good things took place in water, but maybe that’s just because I love water so much. Swimming in summer, swimming up north, swimming in ‘our’ hotel in Duluth, Gradeschooler1 swimming in deep water and in shallow wading pools at Spanish camp, ancient baths in Chicago, the ocean in San Francisco, water in the church in Baraboo, in the Dells in the waterpark, in Madison with cousins. I’m probably oversimplifying it, but…water, man.

A lot of it was also about family and losing family. Losing Kathleen was hard for the grandkids, because we lost our Grandma, but we also got to think about her being reunited with LeRoy, which is nice. Losing Kathleen was devastating for the kids, because they were orphaned and alone and the cracks they had before were allowed to split wide. But they also found they had each other (some of them), and my parents did a great job of doing what needed to be done. She was 93; she had a good long life; it’s still really sad to have her gone.

A lot of it was about CONFIDENCE and CONVICTION, which is what I set out to care about, and which I did in grand fashion. I kicked some major butt at work, I led and launched a massive and visible project that I cared about deeply, I built enthusiasm and excitement and dedication on a terrific team that got us there, and at the very end I picked up a promotion and path forward that I’m nervous but excited about. In short, I am extremely lucky to have the job situation I have currently and I highly doubt it will keep getting better so I’ll just enjoy it when I can.

But back to FAMILY. I have the best family and life with Preschooler2 and Gradeschooler1 and Jeff just keeps getting better, for real. Jeff and I look at each other tearily as we watch Preschooler2 shed all that babylife (minus the GD pacifier HELP ME GOD) and move into little-kid-hood more each day. Gradeschooler1 still had her own baby face coming out of Kindergarten and now shoots up tall and angular and kid-ish, wanting to rollercoaster and swim and cross streets and walk to school without us. Boohoo. Our amazing babies. Giving us magic. Growing up.

Jeff is the BEST, and I say that a lot because it is true and also because he erroneously thinks the BEST is me. He really is, though; there’s no one I’d rather be with day after day. His goofiness and charm and peculiarities (being learned/adopted by Preschooler2 on the daily, btw) are a gift and a gift I get just for me. Thank you JEFF.

I was extremely lucky to see a lot of my dear sisters this year and I’m thankful for that. I especially am grateful for the trips I took to see them both because it’s exactly what I needed and just those few days made me feel closer to them and their lives in the best way! Also that roller coaster Jenny and I went on was incredibly sweet. Also it was so cool to go to my nephew’s basketball game and hang out in that city (Gradeschooler1 kissing random babies) with Stephie and her fam.

I had some nice times with my parents, especially this past weekend for ‘Xmas’ and celebrating their 40th in the Dells. Way cool.

Summer was too short and work did make it shorter. I hope to avoid that next year, at least in summer, but I also hope to make peace with not being able to be everything to my kids at every moment they want. We still had a lot of fun.

I gave blood a lot. I gave a lot of toys and money when I could to things. I didn’t give a lot else. It wasn’t enough–never enough.

A lot of the year in the world at large was about injustice, as always, that I did little to solve, except for close to home. Our daycare went through something terrible earlier in the year, and I’ll never forget stopping by with a card to see beloved Ms. Tati just before she had to leave, hugging her as we both cried. A chance at the life this country promises, torn away for reasons that don’t feel fair at all. I think I’ve settled at solving things more locally, but that means I need to expose myself to such things–not just wait for their calamities to peripherally descend. I’m still working on this, suggestions welcome. It can’t all be cash and blood.

So, the twenties. Minor detail but it will be nice to be able to say “the Twenties” like we said “The 80s” and “The 90s”, so I’m excited for that. The Twenties will also (mostly) be my FORTIES (age wise) so that is kind of shocking/frightening, as that’s old and makes it clear I’ll die someday as the invincibility of my youth wears away. Alas. By the end we’ll have a couple of teenagers. Goodness. (When I bought my car this year I realized…this will probably be Gradeschooler1’s first car. YIKES.)

But how about THE TWENTY, itself? 2020, that is. Here are my goals for 2020: DO LESS TO BE MORE / FEEL DON’T THINK. There is a lot wrapped up in these both, and they apply at WORK, at HOME, with PARENTING (aka, have KIDS do more and WE do less so they BECOME more – aka, hang up your own damn jacket 😉 etc.) and just with overall peacefulness. I have worked on mindfulness and being in the moment for ages, with mediation, with mantras, etc., and I think this sits nicely in those goals. Feel – don’t think. A little about trusting your instincts (see: CONFIDENCE + CONVICTION), a little about staying in that moment. These came to me a few months ago and have rung true since. So there they are, for 2020.

I’d also like to do 10 pull-ups. This has been a goal since 2018. I got to 5 last year, 7 this…hopeful that 2020 is the year. Geez. (Note, I obviously did not make this an actual priority, oops. Too much barre3 love!)

I hear fireworks. I made it to midnight, only by virtue of procrastinating on writing this earlier in the week…! HAPPY 2020.

“Are you writing ‘Jesus’?”

-Gradeschooler1, 12/22/19…no I was not.

“It’s me!”

-Preschooler2, 12/24/19, looking at a Link figure

There’s cars and you’re small and it’s dark
It’s dangerous to go alone, take this!
There’s too many of us and we’re all too far apart
And we have to stick together
they can see us better, together
we’re safer as one
Take my hand, stand tall
Be seen and seeing, unalone, less afraid

An addict ponders a cure
see its start in connection, the real gap we hesitate with
A swirl of nightmares, the “worst dream of my life”
quelled only by arms around body, slowing breath

Was the miracle not what child is this, but instead
the joined joy? Shared silence, that moment in time
before violence and darkness and doubt
one small star united

“YOU CAN DANCE! YOU CAN (sic) TRY! HAVING THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE! OOOOOOOOH!! SEE THAT GIRL! WATCH THAT SCENE! DIG IT, THE DANCING QUEEN!”

—Preschooler2 / Gradeschooler1 / ABBA

One of the most ordinary, most wonderful weekends, and while it will lack in details, it deserves a recaplet, with the usual meaninglessness of anonymity.

FRIDAY was a day daycare was closed so it was me + Preschooler2. Coffee + reading + then breakfast club with the 6-year-olds at Gradeschooler’s school, then back home for 10-minute workout with Preschooler2 underfoot. After hearing how STRONG and LOUD she loves to sing, we were off to gymnastics open gym for ‘jump-ing, jump-ing, jump-ing’…delightful. Then cauliflower soup and chocolate-covered strawberries at lunch out, then naps for both (shorter for me, followed by chores). Sunny day = walk to retrieve Gradeschooler1 then PUMPKIN patch for scavenger hunt and a giant pumpkin hauled home in the stroller. Off to a friend’s house for delicious pizza and fire and chit chat, lovely, then back home to indulge in wasting of time on the couch next to Jeff as he played Borderlands.

SATURDAY Preschooler2 woke up saying her ‘tummy wanted to eat’ and we goofed off in the bed before getting her tummy something to eat and the grownups some coffee downstairs. “HELLO GUYS!” yelled the newly-awakened Gradeschooler1 from upstairs and the real fun began. Dolls were played with, pretend car seats were set up, books were read by the readers and Jeff worked out, then I did a little yoga/barre while the kids played Mario Kart. Costumes and whisker face paint on and off to Halloween parties! First to Trike’s. Kid cousins were cute and fun and sweet with one another, big cousins were joking and silly and full of weird hypotheticals. Pink lemonade! Good bacon! Then to neighbor’s Halloween party which was delightful. I especially love these people. Preschooler2 seems to have discovered food suddenly and downed a bowl of chili while Jeff and Gradeschooler1 disappeared into Neighbor’s house with separate tour guides (this was an outside party) for a large amount of time. Fun party. More little games and playing and food and mud cake. Back to house for another solid nap for Preschooler2. Jeff and I rake the WHOLE YARD, which is AWESOME, a beautiful sunny day for it and so accomplished, last warm day, etc.!, while Gradeschooler1 entertains herSELF, trying cool tricks on the swingset and doing bubbles and chalk and jumping in leaves. Wake up, off to swim for the first time in weeks…pool looks clean (ew). Preschooler2 wasn’t thrilled. Gradeschooler1 is basically a swimming champ and fiend and all of it. She looks good. Procure window clings from guest, return stuff at Kohl’s where Gradeschooler1 wants faux fur bolero jacket (??? as a parent who buys only practical kids clothing I am flummoxed by this, but I think someone will have to get it for her someday) and receives a compliment on her manners from a worker which we praise, then APPLEBEE’S! We all have a delightfully standard suburban time, watching the Gophers crush it, drinking giant lemonade (pink, natch) and sharing apps and being goofy while Preschooler2 discovers her appetite AND sass. Dairy Queen for treats then home, where kids are silly and fun but then I have to work (lame! lame!), but Gradeschooler1 gets to stay up with Jeff for a ‘sleepover’ and there’s a fire going so it’s not so bad to have to work for awhile I guess.

SUNDAY woke up after solid 11-7 sleep…this is a miracle that happens about 1-2x a year so I like to record it. A GD MIRACLE! Preschooler2 sees light peeking in around her drapes and claims she “doesn’t want to sleep anymore” and we all cuddle in bed as soon as Gradeschooler1 joins us (after too-little sleep). I dash away for maple cold press and reading downstairs before heading to barre3. BARRE3. Elle is teaching 8:30 and I thought she wasn’t my favorite but now she IS. She teaches a great class and I am INTO IT and just dancing away. I am still thinking about it. Got a coldpress refill (will I go back to hot? not sure??? am I cold for LYFE?) then met Diana for brunch at Hola Arepa. We finally left after 2.5 hours because we felt bad for just sitting there but it was GREAT. She really is one of the smartest people I know and has taught me 50% of my business sense (the rest I likely picked up from my Dad). She restored my confidence around a work thing and we ate delicious food and it was just the best. I love Diana. Back home to a family being silly and chasing each other and I did some fun cooking and food prep while listening to podcasts, then got the kids late lunch. Played a little but mostly watched parts of movies, attempting to find a facsimile of Mamma Mia; snacks in front of TV then early bed, then chili/cornbread/finishing Newsroom (almost) with Jeff. Tried to work again but couldn’t take the slowness of my computer so now I wrote this and will go to bed.

A GREAT weekend!

“By the cracks of the skin I climbed to the top
I climbed the tree to see the world
When the gusts came around to blow me down
Held on as tightly as you held on me
Held on as tightly as you held on me……

And I built a home
for you
for me

Until it disappeared
from me
from you

And now, it’s time to leave and turn to dust……..”

—To Build A Home, The Cinematic Orchestra

“I am already being poured out like a libation.

The time of my departure is at hand.

I have fought the good fight,

I have finished the race,

I have kept the faith.

From now on, the crown of righteousness awaits me,

which the Lord, the just judge, will award to me on that day …”

—A reading from the Second Letter to Timothy​(2 Tm 4:6–8)

Marc went out to wipe bugs off his windshield and that was it, for me, started crying while I sat with bad free coffee and the Iowa weather on the lobby TV. He’d mentioned the bugs at least three times, bothered by their sticky mess, in between bouts of examining various smartphone maps of Burlington, zooming in to find his childhood home and everything else.

Who will be the family record keeper now? Will I ever get a chaos of pizza and voices and jokes of all of these people together again?

There was such peace in that church, her body in her favorite place, surrounded by everyone she loves doing a thing she’d have loved for us to do more of. And then the sky rained down as she met up with LeRoy and Lisa and danced again.

“I have fought the good fight; I have finished the race; I have kept the faith”

“Her true passion in life was loving and raising her family. Being a mother was her lifelong mission.”

—just like Leroy’s

“We’ve only just begun to grieve the space / The space, the space”

—Rose March, Smashing Pumpkins

“You were so good to us” “You were so good to me.”

—4/20/19

7/25/25–5/18/19

Tell is like it is, tell us what you see. See it all. Don’t eat too much, but eat fruit, eat pears. Don’t be foolish. Make sure you have a rosary. “That is NOT how you PLAY a PIANO!” Clean up. Listen up. Don’t be late or you’ll get locked out (there’s a clock tower for that). Talk to strangers, talk to friends, talk talk, talk. Take care of your babies, but don’t baby them all. Love your spouse fiercely. Love your family fiercely. Protect your health. Follow doctor’s orders. Do the work. Do what’s right. Do what you think needs to be done. Commit, commit, commit. Plan on heaven. 

^ We got way too much goodness out of Kathleen, and an extra almost-decade. 9.92 years and 13 more great-grandchildren later, she gets to be with her king. May she rest eternally in peace with her beloved plus-one.

“…immense charm and understated humor, giving Eve an often unearned confidence as a woman who has never done this kind of work before, and yet, is fully assured within herself that she will achieve her goals.”

—Review of Killing Eve

“There is a house built out of stone / Wooden floors, walls and window sills / Tables and chairs worn by all of the dust / This is a place where I don’t feel alone / This is a place where I feel at home”

—Cinematic Orchestra

“I know I tend to make it about me / I know you never get just what you see / But I will never bore you baby”

—Taylor Swift

Lots going on. The yin and yang. The up and down. The family and the Family.

As usual I can’t get into it much. Last weekend I had a couple of long drives bookending a peaceful visit with family, driving by (over…they’ve changed the freeways even) the original House and thinking…we’ll probably never need to go back there, now. The House already sold, of course, and other people live there happily, but there’s something unmooring about that last link loosening. Harder on all the kids than me, so I’ll leave it at that. But I’m so glad I went. “You’ve been so good to us / you’ve been so good to me.”

And yet here in this house we’ve been having the most ordinary and most wonderful weekends and times together. Picking up sticks, riding bikes, blowing bubbles, cuddling and wrestling on the couch, duck-duck-goose card shark games, snacks, practicing math and reading with the cutest gameified exercises, jumping at gymnastics and holding coaches’s hands, “pup-it” shows and egg hunts and wide eyes. And the big weekend in the Dells with the waves and the cousins and grandparents and all. It’s going so fast. They’re growing so fast.

And I’m working on a big project at work and having some pretty high-inducing success and I love it.

Life for the living is good. We only wish we all could stay living.

To conclude this somewhat strange update (which was unintentional, as I came here to write what I am putting below initially), I will provide some lists.

A list of things I made yesterday:
-Blueberry muffins
-Cherry smoothies
-“Lunch” for Kindergartener1 and Toddler2, but really, just a Lunchable plus individual serving sized guacamole cups and piles of chips (after which I got a suggestion from Kindergartener1 to recycle the individual serving sized guacamole cups)
-Pizza dough, on a whim (NOTE: I am getting pretty good at this, after years of practice, the making of bread products, I mean)
-at least five bowls of cereal
-Pizzas (well—not really—I had help, and Kindergartener1 had an absolute ball painting tiny dough circles with tomato sauce and ‘decorating’ with cheese, cheese, and olives) which were according to Kindergartener1 were “the best pizzas EVER!” even though she didn’t eat much of it and probably just because she made it

…I think that’s it. We have leftovers/Larabars/Crisp & Green for all the rest.

A list of exciting things that happened in the world of math and reading for 5-year-olds last week:
-Level G in reading (???)
-Lexia Core 5 level 7—which evidently made it hard to fall asleep because that is so exciting

A (somewhat depressing) list of things we really need to do to our house soon to keep it basically functional outdoors:
-have piles of mulch delivered, for piles of money
-PAINT, possibly in the most fancy way possible since whoever did the previous paint job was lazy
-replace the sagging mini deck off the back
-beware the creature eating our old mini plastic slide at night

A non-depressing list of all the things Jeff (plus family members on occasion, especially Toddler2 who was very proud) did yesterday to make the house even better outdoors:
-clean up alllllllllll the planting beds!!
-pick up alllllllll the sticks!
-water the surprise new tree the city just planted unceremoniously
-a disturbing amount of other things that took a disturbing amount of time and I am so glad he did/does that

A list of things in Toddler2’s bed:
-two rubber duckies, from the bathtub
-four+ ‘gummies’ aka pacifiers aka those will have to go away soon
-a tiny stuffed owl—instrumental to sleep, evidently
-TWO blankets, never just one
-TWO tigeys, never just one
-a stuffed animal ‘won’ by a kind stranger at the Dells (an Ugly Doll)
-a ‘gummy stuffie’
-some other animals I can’t even remember

Friday 5!

I was thinking the other day about my values as I’d identified somehow years ago (looky here, I found them), and how I believe I now need a 5th to add on to it. While in my previous post, I pretend ‘balance’ is an outward looking one, none of them truly are, so here is the NEW VERSION, in a Friday Five:

ONE) Health

TWO) Family

THREE) Safety

FOUR) Balance

!FIVE!*new!*) Compassion

This last one has been sparked by a few things but one is largely a sad situation unfolding at a local business we to which owe a lot of our health/family/safety/balance equation. COMPASSION.

FWIW, the old manifesto still stands:
1) Self care first!
2) Practice no hurry
3) People are people
4) Stay in the moment
5) It is an honor and a privilege

PEACE OUT HOMIES

“I prescribe sleep”

—a friend long ago / some actual doctors

I shouldn’t even be spending time here but I saw that quote/had to relive it, so FRIDAY FIVE!

1. I get that this is winter, but….MAN, this is winter. Wow. Snow upon snow upon snow upon cold with no end in sight. It is March, though, so the end feels a little more in sight. I wore a sparkly gold shirt to celebrate.

2. I’ve been making ‘websites’ for a really damn long time and should capitalize on that fact more. I feel cool being an old nerd like this.

3. I was stopped cold when a colleague’s husband was sick for a couple of months and then that turned into being diagnosed with cancer. Same timeframe, same scenario as four years ago, except a much worse treatment for him. I’m incredibly grateful/lucky that while we’ve had our share of Stuff, awful awful treatment is not one of it (I mean, surgery aside, obviously).

4. I believe I have been told now by several separate educators that our children are ‘strong-willed’. BIG SURPRISE. LOL.

5. Turns out winter is a lot better when you have working heat in your car 🙂

“A bridge splits November’s sky / I’m in two halves inside / This is the past right here / I choose to leave it here”

—The Joy Formidable

Perhaps I should start off 2019 by UPDATING EVERY DAY? HA HA HA HA HA that was a joke, since 2019 started yesterday, and I did not update. Anyway, I thought I would/could briefly update, once I heard that nice little lyric above on my way in to work today. It’s pothole-laden, iceblock-ridden, frigid-rigid January once more, with no end (well, 29 days away) in sight, and everything’s regular gray without Christmassy-ness (at least we left our tree up for a couple more days). And though it was only four years of my life, I can’t help but feel the edge of upcoming competition season, that razor focus, the impending implosions and self-supplied humiliation yet fun attention of showing off skills and being scored for each move. No wonder I am pretty confident, how else would I have gotten through gymnastics? And how I miss it and love it so, still.

Anyway. I have Actual Work to do, but just sayin’, hello January.

ETA: Also for some reason my EOY post never showed in my RSS feed. WTF? In case yours is the same, and you are DYING TO READ my 2018 THOUGHTS, here they are.

“All for freedom and for pleasure / Nothing ever lasts forever / Everybody wants to rule the world”

—Tears for Fears

“Eventually, someone will come and ask you to do it.”

—coworker

“I’m the best you’ve never had / If you think I’m burning out, I’m never am / I’m on fire”

—Pitbull

“Wow! We should watch the National Geographic channel all the time!” -me “Wow, we are really turning into interesting people.” -Jeff

—12/31/18

“There was a girllllll, who didn’t want to go to schoooooool or college or nothinggggg! / She just wanted to stay hooooooooooome! / So she waited for holidaaaaaays, / but she waited and waited…!”

—anonymous1

“A-yeks-ah! Wee-peet it!”

—anonymous2

The end of the day and the end of the year.

I spent today with the people I love, who are healthy and vibrant and amazing, out and about at one of our favorite places and then the evening in our fine home, with a fire and games and snacks and laughter. Jeff played video games with one little girl while I played at gymnastics on the floor with another, after rousing matches of Hungry Hungry Hippos and Go Fish (/matching, if you’re 2) and a strange pretend New Year’s Eve at “Tomato Restaurant”. I have a job that fulfills me, health that sustains me, relationships that fill in all the right places, safety and balance and support. I have everything I ever wanted.

As always, it’s been clearer than ever this year that this is a rarity indeed.

We spent some of Christmas in Madison, and some of that time sitting in the dark, all the adults by a tree, talking about a wall. What struck me most is that no one is right in all of this, though I’d hope we start erring on the side of human decency, and soon. Will basic kindness rule all someday still?

There’s a lot to unpack there, but I’ll leave it, just as a general comment on the state of the world and the direction our country is going in, and how it’s harder than we think to imagine a way forward. Everybody wants to rule the world (even if they don’t).

Do I?

I came to more natural rest, I learned (more but not quite) how to watch and wait, I let time surprise me and before I knew it I had a reader and a walker to parent, a beloved husband with whom to celebrate 10 years of marriage, an open ticket to whatever I want at work with all the right moves, even if I still plan to watch and wait. 2018 was pretty kickass. Kindergarten shifted the rhythms, relationships changed their shape, and life is still so good. So, so good. It’s an honor every day.

My dad, cured / a miracle of miracles (a true miracle!). My mom, not, or at least not yet. The rest still stable but working through some trickery; our kids incredible, smart, able. Friends with their own challenges making their own way.

Water, water, everywhere, swim lessons, pool days, the big lake, the spa baths, a hotel swimfest. Sparkling sun glinting off black eyelashes of water-loving little girls, wide smiles that can’t be tamed. A new 5-year-old finding faux freedom in the water of a big lake with her tightly tied life jacket, endless energy absorbed by the splashing, special especially for the time just Mommy and she. Sisters lounging in a quiet spa beside a Dells lake, the two of us catching up. Sisters yelling across a hotel pool, overly excited, over the moon, the four of us ensconced in our lakeside northern trip, visiting our usual haunts. Learning to swim and happy to learn.

Chalk dust, chalk boards, chalk buckets. Gymnastics with two little girls together, rotating around the events, swinging from bars and hanging from rings and jumping on trampolines, helping the tiny one climb up and watching the big girl hold her own. Kindergarten playground night and Kindergarten open house and finding a frog toy and a desk sign and these new teachers. Getting ready for school and a few days just you two enjoying a world of freedom and fun and museums and MOA before the first day of. The Kindergarten routine and learning to learn and making friends everywhere, adored and energetic still, even as you’re tired, tired, tired. Apple cider making and field trip taking and playing at being funny and scooter skating. A Kindergartener, ready beyond any shadow of a doubt.

Work, work, work it out. Staying in place but kicking ass in place, finding my way back to things that are fun while still working to speak up and listen as appropriate, show potential, but still stay. Coworkers who are still killing it, who give me hours of lunches filled with laughter and wit, jokes and support, Bananagrams and Secret Santas…where would I be without you all? Working it out, finding sweat again, finding fitness again, and working mindfulness into it along the way (barre3, you are the winner). Fitness of the mind and meditating and finding a way to rest.

Sisters, sisters giggling, sisters playing, sisters tussling and relenting and hugging, sisters yelling, “sistah!”, sisters speaking Spanish, sisters wearing dresses and swaddling babies and carrying dolls and playing doctor, playing dollhouse. Sisters on a swingset, running out to it, swinging side by side, sisters fighting in a wading pool and going down a slide over and over. Sisters commanding Alexa and tugging at each other’s toys and screaming with tickled laughter. Sisters pushing buttons (real and figurative), playing videogames, trick-or-treating dressed as princesses. Sisters dancing, one on stage, sisters whispering secrets, growing into humans with their own real potential and hopes and fears.

(And sisters of another kind, my sisters, and our families sharing time together however we can.)

10 years, 15 years, a solid decade of marriage as we wind our way through New York City to celebrate. A tour, two tours, our own tour of a city that’s its own planet, together alone in our own world filled with others; like we do. The hangout life, the best life, the life together with hockey games and cuddles and HANGING OUT!, C&G and G&Ts and nothing to do but be ourselves and be thankful that we have each other. Thankful more than ever that I have my Jeff.

(So many things I did for others in my little life, but so little I actually did for the world at large; that would be one place to start to fix things. I’m not sure where to start, though, and I’m not sure what that means. Watch and wait, and see where it takes you.)

“A-yeks-ah! Wee-peet it!” is what I’d love to say to 2018, but that means none of the wonderful surprises I’ve gotten this year would be new. So as we hurtle into 2019, the last one of this decade(?! how did this happen??), my hope is for more confidence and conviction. Ya know, I’m pretty confident, but confidence is the enemy of anxiety, and if I can harness more confidence in my convictions or solutions or decisions or beliefs; stay in tune with what I know and feel is right, deep down; it can only serve me well. And maybe it will allow me to serve others, too. Happy New Year.