lxforever

—Michael J., 12/7/11

24 days to go. Welcome 2012. It’s funny…it’s just a number, but you take what you can get, I guess.

In the meantime it is the Holidays which I like.

I am in survival mode which I don’t like but this realization is already making life easier/better. So.

We were remarking on how this has not been Our Year and so then I thought to ask, what HAVE been some great years for us? I thought 2008 (duh), Jeff agreed and added 2003. “That’s when I found you…and the Gophers won a national [hockey] championship last.”

Priorities ;).

just keep swimming

“Just keep following / the heartlines on your hand! / Keep it up! / I know you can”

—Florence and the Machine

Seven Devils all around me!

Seven Devils in my house!

I am struggling. Some days are better than others. But it is getting dark, dark, dark, folks. Thanksgiving break gave me a reprieve but this latest funk I just can’t seem to shake. Fuck this year.

Sorry, harsh. And naive – why would 2012 be better? – but true. There have been many high points, surely, as documented here, and indeed I do live a generally charmed life, but I am so so sick of so so much and so tired of myself. So tired.

And I don’t know who I can trust.

Least of all myself. Which is a problem.

Seven Devils…! / Hang In There Hang In There Hang In There HangInThere HangInThere Hanginthere hanginthere hanginthere hangintherehangintherehangintherehang

—

I am grateful for today’s employment report, though – 8.6%. Yesssss.

—

(Not-so?)-Random MEMORIES follow:

—

Monday, standing in the dry dark basement gym of Edison, shouting over the sounds of thud-thud-thud-BANG! of teenage girls attempting front handsprings onto an eight incher…

“Will you EVER see your landing on a front handspring? Answer, NO. You will never ever _ever_ EVER see your landing, _EVER_, on a front handspring. So DON’T try. You will NOT see it. EVER.”

(I struggled with this for much of my competitive years. There’s a picture of me from Chicago Style 1999, where I’m turning a front layout, body arched and bent in all sorts of ways as I strain to see that landing [that I’ll never see].)

Thud-thud-thud-BANG!

“Look at your hands! Look back! Are you looking at your hands?? You should be looking back when you stand up!” I shout again.

You will NEVER see your landing. EVER. You can NEVER see ahead. You will NEVER catch up. EVER. NEVER.

—

Walking through the courtyard of Pioneer, I catch sight of the skinny red-headed girl, Ange (“not Angie!”) and her tough, ‘popular’ friends. They’re standing in the fall air smoking. It’s 2000 and I’m struggling to adjust to college and I know I’m not cool enough for Ange and her crowd, but she enthusiastically says hi as I pass by anyway.

11+ years later I’m standing in a gift shop in an art museum, locked in an embrace with that same Ange, heart beating so fast, voice shaking, taking-taking-taking. (I am oh so wary of all this taking I am doing. I am going to exhaust my resources before I can handle it.) She pulls back, inches from my face, stares in my eyes, tells me it’s okay. “Lex – no. It’s okay. It’s O-KAY.”

Turns out that redhead both wasn’t too cool for me and is far, far too cool for me still all at once. Pretty lucky.

—

It’s 2003, I’m feeling pretty lost, I’m HOH but confused and scared and not sure who I am able to trust anymore. Including myself? Susan and Peter both, out of nowhere, remind me that they’re my friends, that they’re there for me, that they trust what I can do, that if you can’t trust your friends, what are they there for? 8 years later I’m baking in their cozy house, a lesson made just for me. Who can’t you trust?

—

Keep it Up / Hang In There / I Know You Can?

Heartlines heartlines heartlines

“Ironic that you’re obsessed with FBX and I call you TBLA. It’s like the circle of life or something.”

—Jeff, 11/30/11

“Each winter as the year grows older / we each grow older too / the chill sets in a little colder / the verities we knew / seem shaken and untrue”

—William & Annabeth Gay, Each winter as the year grows older

“I’m not here looking for absolution / because I found myself an old solution / This is his body / This is his love
Such selfish prayers, I can’t get enough”

—Florence + the Machine, Bedroom Hymns

time 2:13 PM feeling content wearing Vikes shirt…FAIL reading A Million Little Pieces music Florence + the Machine ready for swimming next swim

I am supposed to be answering emails but here I am updating. Story of my life (except it’s 2:13 PM not AM, heh heh).

We had a very ordinary, very lovely weekend just hanging around the house with not much to do, but were very productive at the same time. Lots of cooking…lots of Christmas lights being on…reading…Christmas music…laundry/chores/domesticity(“I am being a WIFE!”)…errands and miscellaneous shopping (including a bus ride to MOA on Black Friday – I’m sorry, but why haven’t I bused there before?! So easy and fast!!! Love it! and totally worth the crazy trip that afternoon)…putting lights on the fish tank (semi-fail)…drinking wine/prosecco and watching Social Network randomly…Gopher hockey…nice long phone chat w/ my Grandma…hot yoga on Friday where we thought we were going to DIE but kind of loved it, sickly, followed by drinking smoothies in a parking lot in Edina witnessing some weirdo in a red truck, and then buying underwear…just BEING TOGETHER! We are lovers. It is great.

We have very busy workweeks of craziness ahead so I spent most of this morning cooking (not coking) up a storm so we’d have good food to nourish this busyness. FOOD, food from scratch. Kind of obsessed.

I also meant to draw. There is still time.

With the crazy week ahead I am extremely grateful for a very restful and wonderful FIVE DAYS OFF. It reminds me of ‘winter breaks’ of days of yore (aka high school) and it makes work feel very far away…yet at the same time I am kind of excited to get back to work, too. 2+ years in and I am enjoying where I’m at workwise, so that says something. I think the restful loooong weekend helps, and I will say this – I’d be game for a 2-day-workweek/5-day-weekend forevermore ;). No matter what the job.

I don’t think this is the arena to get into it, but I went to church yesterday for the first time in…a year?…and it just did not feel right. I should trust my instincts. I love the priest at the church, he is a good guy, and I know it’s important to my family, and culturally there will always be Catholicism in my background, but…three things. One, I was bubbling up with rage at the idea of women not being able to be in positions of leadership really; it’s hard for me to reconcile the idea of supporting an institution like this. Two, the Penn State stuff for some reason makes me newly upset about the years-ago molestation scandal; i.e., if I want Penn State out of the Big Ten…you know? The third thing I’m not going to get into, but let’s just say it didn’t feel right. And right now I am OK with that.

OK whew I totally did not mean to get into that. Whatever. Off to swim, then home to draw? Early to bed, early to rise, early to work, early to Edison, and in the thick of Christmastime and the week it all starts again. Have a lovely week, all.

“We shall not cease from exploration / and the end of all our exploring / will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.”

—T.S. Eliot

“I wanted to love you like my mother’s mother’s mother did / civilian…”

—Wye Oak, Civilian

“…she was fully aware, from second to second to second, that it wasn’t a drug or a dream but just life happening to her, a life with only a present and no past…”

—Freedom

“You see, in all our searching, the only thing we found that makes the loneliness bearable is each other.”

—Contact…yes, these are worth repeating one after another again

“It’s so easy / to say it to a crowd but it’s so hard, my love / to say it to you out loud”

—Florence + The Machine…OBSESSED

“And when our bankroll is getting low / we’ll think about a time when we had none at all / And we’ll fall asleep counting our blessings”

—Ray Conniff Singers / whoever

time 10:14 AM feeling hungry and happy wearing gray hoodie (“I weep in my grey hoody” -Meis, 2006), UMN shirt reading A Million Little Pieces music Florence + the Machine ready for snack next eat

If you just give it time…many things fade. Not all, but many. I also recommend giving it: friends, Jeff, crying, and careful cousins.

So. Things are better. It’s so amazing – when it IS better, I can’t imagine how I could ever feel so bad but when it’s bad? It’s bad—it’s dark, and I can’t even entertain the idea of feeling better ever again.

Life.

LIFE.

Anyway. Thanksgiving was quite stunningly wonderful which was a delightful surprise. I always miss the Mason craziness/tournament-y-times, but I really, really had a terrific day yesterday. Finally feeling at peace and glad for everything. Waxes and wanes, you know. But I will take it what I can get.

The day before was spent baking (made my first French silk pie[s] ever, from scratch, all of it, PIEOW!), shopping, tooling around, hitting up C2 yoga, and biking in the glorious warmth/sun. BIKING! Nov 23! Really!! Then a run/walk Thursday morning. I stopped once at the edge of Nokomis and just took in the sun. Seeing the sun on Nokomis reminds me of LeRoy the Great, because that’s what I did right after I found out he died – run around Nokomis and looking at the sun.

LeRoy. He taught me a lot, just by being alive.

Anyway. We were off to Laureen and Jack’s shortly thereafter. A lovely afternoon of chatting and joking followed by a terrific meal (of course—Laureen is a pro. I aspire to her level of cookingness one day). Everyone was in a really good mood, the sun was shining, and when I took my first bite I just felt like “THIS is exactly where I’m supposed to be.” That little feeling. I haven’t had it so much in my life and especially not this year but man, it feels good when it happens.

Off to Sue’s for pies and more familia. Fixing computers and opening ornaments in the office upstairs. Sue laughing with her sons. Really a nice moment then too. There’s a whole lot of good in life, with all the suckiness.

Texts from friends far and near (and ever dear). Thankful. Home to hang out with Jeff by the Christmas tree. Cuddles. Long chit chat with Jenny about everything (“Dad is such a sore loser” and other summaries). Thinking of good cousins who are funny and/or who Get It. Thank You.

Happy holidays, friends.

“And oh, poor Atlas / The world’s a beast of a burden / You’ve been holding on a long time”

—Florence + The Machine

“Seven devils all around me! / Seven devils in my house! / See they were there when I woke up this morning / they’ll be there when the day is done”

—Florence + The Machine

“I know everybody lets you down / I’ll do the same / but know I’ll always be around / this can remain the same”

—Florence + The Machine…yes I am OBSESSED! Thanks Jeff!!

time 8:52 AM feeling better wearing peachy shirt, sweater vest, velvety pants reading A Million Little Pieces music Florence + The Machine!!!! ready for TG break next work then break!

I’m doing a little better but not really ready to talk about it, or maybe ever. Seven Devils, it feels like. But yesterday wound up being a really good day and thus deserves a quick EOTD (yes, documented in fish comic but here is good, too):

EOTD 11/21/11:
Woke up way too early after staying up way too late. Zelda. Up and out of bed and in the car by 5:26AM. Yep. To DT Core Power yoga for a Level 2 class. Dark and cold drive followed by dim and hot yoga class. Ass-kicking-amazingness! I do enjoy yoga but this was the first time I truly felt challenged while doing it. So awesome. Sweaty blue mat, scales + arm balancing, stretching = I can believe this is a retired person’s gymnastics. Almost everyone was better than me too which was great.

Sweat-soaked, to work to shower and get on with the early day. Lots of excitement over the short but busy workweek we’re having. Treats. Nice email from a dear friend who’s looking out for me. Grilling Joe in prep for his meeting next week. Getting super tired and consulting Diana and Jeff who suggest I go home for a nap rather than go help Cassie coach. Good idea. Long nap idea thwarted by helping Patti figure something out in Word before I left work but I FIGURED IT OUT and it was awesome and I kicked ass and felt USEFUL. Yep.

Home and quick nap by the glittering Xmas tree. Ameliorate the lack of sleep. Quick nap = feeling refreshed. Errands to IKEA. They are out of the brush I went there for. Damn. Whatever. Quick errands then meet Kelly at Pardon My French in Eagan. Pardon My French is a delightful little place full of wonderful servers, lovely pastries, and fairly-priced yummy food. A gem in Eagan. I enjoyed chamomile tea, a beet/white radish/carrot salad, and a tiny marzipan pumpkin. Amazing. I also enjoyed talking to Kelly. She is an old and dear friend. She is getting into tea instead of pop so she had some tea with her tart. Time flew and before we knew it two hours were up/they were closing. Sad to part ways but off we were.

On the drive home I felt more relaxed and calm than I had in weeks, despite the dark-dark-dark chatter Kelly and I had. Even hopeful. I believe the doom loop began to break on Saturday at Susan and Peter’s (this deserves an update too but basically they are just good, pleasant folk) and finally dissipated with this meetup with Kelly. I thank being understood by Kelly and chamomile tea for this (not that the tea understood me, but that it was relaxing). “All anyone wants is to feel understood.”

Home and Jeff was deep in Zelda-land/love. I love it!!! It makes him so happy and that makes me very happy. I stayed up too late reading emails and writing comics and watching Jeff play Zelda and finally we went to bed. And I finally felt like I’d had a great day.

—

Happy birthday Cole, cousin Lauren, Toby, and Allie!

“She’s my BFF from Wisconsin, but an adopted Minnesotan – went to UMN, lives in south Minneapolis, had a maroon and gold wedding at the North Star Ballroom where all the tables were named things like ‘lady slipper’…she has an excellent sense of humor in general, particularly about WI”

—Diana, 11/16/11

“One time you were a glowing young ruffian / Oh my god, it was a million years ago”

—The National

dark dark dark

This week did turn into doom / a nightmare, as prophesied. (And for reference my other ‘week of nightmares’ was in 1999, not 1998, my bad.)

Whether worse or better, this is due to internal freakouts rather than any external struggles. So I guess I am grateful for the relative benignness of the external world.

But still.

Morale is low.

Anxiety is high.

Mortality keeps knocking.

Here’s what’s been going on lately:

Diana is 30 today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to a woman who makes my life make sense.

I cried every single day this week. One day so much so that I thought I might throw up. So. That’s awesome.

Jeff is truly The Best and is pretty much a saint for all he does for me.

Madeleine made Diana and me drawings for our last day of fall session of gymnastics. She is so freaking adorable. That whole class was so wonderful and talented and cute and hilarious. I will miss them! Esp. Chloe, Zoe, Isabella and Madeleine (duh).

Also yesterday Madeleine was in my line (usually she is in Diana’s) and sat down and did a backwards roll all by herself. It was SO AWESOME and shocking and made my night. I LOVE seeing kids get skills by themselves.

3 year olds keep me more sane than most 30 year olds. Except of course Diana. And Jeff.

I called Stephie in the middle of one of my freakouts and I couldn’t be more thankful for her.

Jenny’s previous officemate died and that is horrible. MORTALITY.

My boss took the day off today to make lefse for his wife’s grandpa’s 100th birthday. No I am not making this up. He is awesome.

I spent several minutes several times this week digging my nails into my palms in an attempt to keep smiling while I just wanted to freak out. “The show must go on.”

I am angry and I don’t know what to do with that.

I am anxious and I don’t know what to do with that, either.

I had the most beautiful perfect latte at the library and read a book about someone crazier than me. That helped.

I hate Penn State and want them out of the Big Ten. Immediately. (This also has something to do with Catholicism but this is not the time nor the place. We’ll see at Advent.)

Christmas music came on the radio. Christmas lights are in our windows. Jeff is so happy about Christmas and that makes me happy.

I have an awful lot to be thankful for and it is embarrassing and frustrating that I still manage to get so worked up. I have such a good life and no reason to complain so it makes me angry with myself. It’s pathetic. Not sure where this terrible week came from but I wish it would stop. This theme of MORTALITY should teach me this and yet. Still growing. I hope.

This week is almost over. I hope.

“You’re pink, you’re young, you’re middle class / they say it doesn’t matter / Fifteen blue shirts and womanly hands / you’re shooting up the ladder // Your mind is racing like a pro now / Oh my god, it doesn’t mean a lot to you / One time you were a glowing young ruffian / Oh my god, it was a million years ago”

—The National, Racing Like a Pro

“How was school?” “I failed story listening…”

—Peanuts comic, 11/16/98, from my cut-out comics book…yep

I believe it was around this time in 1998ish (yes…I have an amazing memory) that I was involved in another week of DOOM, this one very HS-oriented, of course, including a total gymnastics meltdown (“make it or break it month!”) and ALSO completely screwing up both a physics AND calculus test…yep. Yep, those were the things causing me drama then, :).

I no longer worry about gymnastics skills or math tests, but this week started off in another MOOD of DOOM. Christie reports that this is true from her sector as well (and Twitter says the same). What’s up, week before TG?!

Anyway I believe I am coming out of this. I hope. A gorgeous little lunchtime gingerbread latte from Dunn Bros at the library may have sparked the turnaround (it even had a pretty leaf top, I complimented the barista on my way out). Also reading books about people crazier than me helps, too.

But I’ll believe it when I see it.

Sneaky November DOOOOOOOOOOOOM…!

Off to Finnish Bistro/TT friends hangout tonight. Oh Yes.

Rough day, rough week, rough year.

Oh but “the show must go on…”