lxforever

THE NEXT SIX WEEKS:
1) Food: cleaning out anything in the freezer for meals, also lots of boxed wine
2) Pumping: manual pump only/block pumping
3) Workouts: on Assigned Days, ad hoc when possible
4) Mess: OK
5) Stress: LESS
6) Fun: MORE!

Happy anniversary Barb + Steve / happy Pi day, nerds!

Ahem.

Thank GOD it is almost February because this is the winter from hell. Honest to God.

That said…

I have a healthy baby
a husband I adore
a job that suits me perfectly right now…

I am living the dream, people.

no, I mean it. Weather is for chumps when you have it made.

ANYWAY, some business.

THINGS I FORGOT TO WRITE ABOUT IN MY 2013 UPDATE:
our fish died. 🙁
I had an AWESOME trip to Chicago with Jeff in February!!!!! We hung out with Jenny and Hakan all weekend and ate ate ate. GREAT weekend!
I finally killed off my Yahoo! email address. Bitches.

SAD THING THAT HAPPENED IN 2014:
Barney, Jeff’s dear family dog, died. 🙁

ALSO:
I’m tired. The End.

There may be no better feeling than cuddling your much-wanted baby as she sleeps on your chest. I’m in heaven.

May everyone who wants the same thing get her (or his) chance one day.

Very lucky.

“What’s everyone doing at the same time but at different rates?” “Growing older.”

—popsicle stick ‘joke’

“Don’t make me sad, don’t make me cry / sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough / I don’t know why / Keep making me laugh / let’s go get high / the road is long, we carry on / try to have fun in the meantime”

—Lana Del Rey, Born To Die

“There is a road, no simple highway / between the dawn and the dark of night / And if you go no one may follow / that path is for your steps alone”

—Grateful Dead, Ripple

“Late night organ donor, after that he disown ya / after that he’s just hopeless, soul mates become soulless…”

—Kanye West

“You didn’t see me I was falling apart / I was a white girl in a crowd of white girls in the park / You didn’t see me I was falling apart / I was a television version of a person with a broken heart”

—The National, Pink Rabbits

“Hey, love, we’ll get away with it / we’ll run like we’re awesome, totally genius / we’re the heirs to the glimmering world / we’re the heirs to the glimmering world / oh, come, come be my waitress and serve me tonight / serve me the sky tonight / oh, come, come be my waitress and serve me tonight / serve me the sky with a big slice of lemon / we’re the heirs to the glimmering world / we’re the heirs to the glimmering world /oh, come, come be my waitress and serve me tonight / serve me the sky tonight / oh, come, come be my waitress and serve me tonight / serve me the sky with a big slice of lemon”

—The National, The Geese of Beverly Road

“Let everything happen to you / beauty and terror / just keep going / no feeling is final”

—Rainer Maria Rilke

“That’s just the way it is / things will never be the same! / that’s just the way it is / awww yeah”

—2Pac, or Bruce Hornsby, depending on who you are…

2013.

I still have that popsicle stick with that joke, mentioned above. Waaaay back in…1999?…we used to have “Popsicle Fridays” at gymnastics (I know), which I instigated (I KNOW, yeah yeah cheerleader/sugar-addict Lexi I hear ya). The best popsicles, of course, were the ones with jokes on them – double bonus! And of course I read my jokes aloud for everyone (yep).

But that one seemed less like a joke and more like a melancholy statement. I’ve saved it (gross but true) ever since.

We are all growing older, each at different rates, from the moment we are born…and slowly making our way, at different rates, to the end.

—

(No this update is not about drugs despite the song lyrics above, nor was this year…although legal prescription drugs were definitely helpful many a time!)

—

There was a period of time, maybe two weeks (but boy, did it seem longer!), where Baby was having some very rough evenings, crying every single night for a long, long time. We called it ‘the witching hour’. Jenny called it ‘baby witching’. Baby was only soothed to sleep by a person holding her and walking her around the room. Jeff and I tag-teamed this, thank heavens, trading off our spots, and he would set up his iPad and watch stuff while walking her for his shift, while I started listening to music. One of those evenings I was moved to listen to The National, and instead just put “Pink Rabbits” on repeat over and over.

It was a sad song, so melancholy, but here I was, holding my own baby, finally a parent, living the dream for real. She was perfect, even in her crying. What did I have to be sad about? Nothing! I held her close and whispered and just allowed myself to enjoy the sadness of the song despite me being the happiest I ever could have been.

A few days later began the road to my Dad’s diagnosis.

—

It’s totally bizarre to think that Baby has only been in our real, not-womb lives for only half of 2013. I can’t imagine life without her, and it feels like we’ve been at this parenting thing for much longer than 6 months (and yet, how time flies [“My! My! Time Flies!” -Enya], is she really already 6+ months old?!)…but the truth is, 2013 was only half having-the-Baby, being-parents, the other half was waiting expectantly. Half and half.

And I had a hard time with the first part of that waiting, with the anxiety through the roof, the sleep never coming, the hunger never ending, the worrying about my baby over and over and over. I just wanted her (her! February! What a moment!) to be OK, and though I had zero reason to, I felt over and over that she would not be. I was lucky enough though to have some wonderful care, both the midwife and others, and of course Jenny, Jeff, Kristin, Diana, and also CHRISTIE who told me HOW to be a mom (ha!), that helped me start to feel OK again, and be happy and hopeful again. Oh the anxiety. It gets me every time. And though that was only a small part of my 2013, I don’t want to let it go without mentioning it, because it’s real.

Then came spring. Then came kicks and movement and babybabybaby on the waywayway. The showers and the smoothies and the sock game and the tiny Kathy doll remake. The advice and the questions and the lumbering around town. “It’s a boy! You’re due soon!” Nope… The prenatal yoga and the nursery coming together. Sharing the whole thing with Kelly and her twins on the way! Feeling her kick as I went about my day, so amazingly out of this world. I was huge and happy and we were hopeful and so excited. JOY! Rejoice. So so lucky. For some bizarre reason I loved, absolutely loved, that last part of being pregnant…feeling her move like crazy and growing so astonishingly fast. She went everywhere I went and swam in her little dark home. And then one day…

—

BABY! Her eyes so bright and wide, Jeff crying, me laughing, face-to-face with this little creature we had craved for so so long. Her eyes still gape so bright wide open, she still longs to take in every single little bit of the world. But first, us, her parents, the storm, the three of us cuddled in a hospital room, being an overjoyed family. Listening to Caspian on the way home with her little lemon hat on her head. Turning her head, learning the ropes, snuggles and snoozes on the couch, three weeks that were “the best vacation ever!”, three months home with our babybabybaby, falling in love with our beautiful daughter.

2013, you blessed us so. (Even if that’s not the right word for a heathen like me…it’s true.)

At last! At last.

—

For that reason alone, 2013 came so close to being the most perfect year in my entire life, so so so very close. (And even still it might be?) Bringing home our amazing baby and getting to be a mom was the ultimate dream come true for me in every single way. For as long as I can remember, I knew I wanted to be a parent, and to have that become a reality…it can’t even be put on paper, text fails, there are no words…only magic. And to get to parent alongside Jeff is a whole other gift in and of itself…he is an incredible father, and I didn’t know I could love him more, but apparently I can. I fall in love with him and with Baby every single day. They have my whole wide heart for life and beyond.

2013 finally gave me what I had wanted for so long, and it was a million zillion times better than I ever could have imagined.

—

Then came August. Tricky tricky August. August, I never liked you. You were never good to me.

I remember thinking just a few months prior that, eventually, we’d start to have to watch our uncles and aunts die. I didn’t think much of it, just a fleeting observation. And I certainly—somehow—didn’t include my own mother-buffalo-saying-to-her-son Dad in this equation.

Then came the email. ”Ladies…” Then came the MRI. Then came the words. xray mass MRI 8cm biopsy cancer surgery Then came the reprieve. Then came the recoil. ”I thought I hurt it jumping off the deck…”

Seeing my Dad retire from his illustrious career and be so celebrated and admired by all his long-standing colleagues, just as I’d always envisioned, and then later being by my Dad’s side when all of these words and diagnoses and troubles came into his life are two things I feel privileged to have experienced. Obviously, I’d rather have never experienced the latter, but it was something powerful and strange, and the least I could ever do. I will never forget those moments, as painful and raw and awful as they were. And Baby was there to comfort us in her adorable weird baby ways.

Born to Die.

—

And everything just keeps moving along. People were and are so good to us, always. There for us as a family, as individuals, as daughters as parents as whatever we were in that moment. There for my parents as their health started to elude their grasps. Went back to work and oh that was hard. Oh that was rough. Not because of missing my daughter—though I did—but because it was a whole world of readjustment, new priorities, and never enough time for everyone to have their needs met at any single moment. Social life physical activity checking in on family getting baby fed (that damn bottle!) coming out of the gate roaring at work …and we had it easy, with so much support. But it gets easier every day, and having Jeff by my side and my friends I hold dear so near to me makes it a wonderful challenge to move through.

Never enough time to meet everyone’s needs, but enough time to do your best.

And be damn grateful! And I am…I am.

—

The end of the year has been pretty beautiful, if uncertain. Life is crazy but it feels like exactly where I’m meant to be. Work is ramping up and that is pretty fun, actually—a challenge I’ve been wanting for years, I suppose, and finally have. Baby gets more and more creative and fun and sparkling every day, it seems. The new normal is becoming more normal and that gives way to magic. A wonderful Christmas(es), family together. Fewer nights waking up to feed baby and then crying instead, because if anything my Dad is just the guy to beat the odds…right? I hope.

I’ve done an awful job of caring about life beyond Baby, Dad, and my own little world this year, especially as of late. There’s just not enough time and all that there is goes to swimming friends bubblemania (ha!) and who knows what else. But I will say I’m happy to have marriage equality in the state I live in, that’s for sure.

2014. 2014 is inherently bad with that evil 4 in it, but there are a lot of good things on the horizon, too. Many many friends are due to have babies in 2014, and for many of them, it’s a ‘redemption’ baby of sorts. YEAH!! Our two best friends (Diana and Dave) are getting married (but NOT to each other…haha) and we get to be in their weddings. My parents, while still facing health challenges, no doubt, have good medical teams set up and in which they feel confident. Baby is bound to keep growing into her beautiful and enthusiastic self. The jobs keep giving us what we need to make life round. We are so, so incredibly lucky. So lucky. We’re the heirs to the glimmering world…

But here at the edge of 2014 puts me on the edge of uncertainty—a place I found myself at the start of 2013 and hated, but now have learned to live with, like it or not. We can’t predict the future, and I suppose we wouldn’t want to, but I don’t like imagining what next Christmas will hold.

So I just stay in this moment as best I can. Which isn’t great, but I’m getting better.

—

That was my resolution last year—be in the moment, and also to streamline things—and it went OK. At least it was a goal. This year there is an even taller order, and for the rest of my life, too: live the kind of life I want my daughter to see me live. Be the kind of person I want her to want to be. Eat my veggies, be a less angry driver (ha! ha! yeah right), support my family, approach challenge with enthusiasm, be a good worker, practice compassion to myself and others, ET CETERA. That whole damn tall order. And with work set to be a bustling-but-fun crazyland in the year ahead, with a family facing health complications for whom I want to be there, with a baby who lights up our lives every day, alongside the rest of my lucky life, it’s sure to be challenging. But it’s a good test, and I think I’m up for it.

Here’s to 2013. Here’s to Baby. Here’s to my Dad. And here’s to life, and 2014, too!

“My! My! Time flies!”

-Enya

“Rejoice!”

-Christmas

Oh 2013! Oh Christmas! Oh dreams! Oh luck.

Walk into the yellow room, now a nursery, to a baby sprawled out and smiling in her crib. Overwhelming excitement to see me. A grin a mile wide. An face exploding with joy when she lays eyes on her daddy. Amazing.

Dreams, dreams, dreams.

Feeding and holding the baby while the radio plays the Christmas (Nativity?) story. Still and silence and sucking and snuggles. Struck by a sense of reality, gratitude. This is it. This is really real.

This is amazing.

Over the rivers and through the snow to Grandma and Grandpa’s house we go. It’s scary to think what the next Christmas might hold. But for now we’re happy and grateful to spend time with family, and will take what we can get.

My family. Our little family. Growing growing growing.

This is year 16 of updating on Christmas Eve, and this year is the first with our daughter here. Our funny, beautiful, healthy daughter.

We are so very lucky and glad. I hope you all are too. Rejoice!

And of course…I wrote this all this morning before a poopsplosion-y, cranky (all of us), angsty evening…but it’s still all true 🙂

MUST.
NOT.
LET.
LXFOREVER.
DIE!!!

So with that…
EOTD 12/19/13.

Got up an hour before the alarm. 4am. Actually baby got up and wanted to eat so I got up. Fed baby. (“Kiss BayyyBeee!” “BAYYYBeee HUNNNNgry!”). Cuddled baby for a long time :). Put baby down. Packed stuff, made coffee, ate stuff, showered, pumped. Got dressed and hit the road. 6:58am. Late start!

Off to physical therapy, which has had several false starts. This was the real deal. UMN. I was instead ridiculously early so I got some gas at a somewhat sketchy gas station. Then to PT. We are attempting to treat my femoral acetabular impingement (FAI), which I’ve evidently had for 2+ years (maybe my whole life?!?) but had always attributed the hip pain to my bum knee. An X-ray taken after the pain became somewhat bothersome however has proven otherwise. Whatever. As everyone keeps saying, pregnancy and breastfeeding can exacerbate…EVERYTHING. Indeed. Not to mention 50 lbs of preg then/15 lbs of baby now. Ha ha.

The physical therapist was AMAZING. Jill. She was stylish, tall, and had dark dark intense eyes that were almost black. Beautiful. She was also brilliant. She was able to address all of my problems, including missing PCL, gymnastics life, and postpartum life, with ease. She knows all about the post-baby body, having had 3 of ‘those little persons’ herself, AND even asked which leg was my ‘leap leg’. OMFG AMAZEMENT. Her student was also very kind, and it was fun to hear her teach the student whilst using me and my movements as an example. Hah. Anyway I left with a bevy of good exercises, several more appointments, and a New Hope for solving this thing!

Across the street to Starbucks for a holiday drink and gift cards. This particular Starbucks was hoppin’ with a lot of who I assume were Somali dudes. It was really cool. They were all crowded around chatting like I imagine people do in other countries in the world…just shooting the shit. Nice. Got my drink and drove to work where I parked in my new ‘no riff-raff’ parking RAMP. Yes that’s right. Jaywalked (fail) and got to my desk.

The day was sort of a waste. It was our holiday party day AND someone had messed with my desk so I had to put that back together. But. I did get SOME things done. We had an ‘informal’ department lunch. I worked while gossiping. Probably said things I shouldn’t have. But WCYD? A coworker wanted a ride to the party. I did not want to give him a ride because a. I do not like him much b. I was worried I may have to pump in the car so was welcoming no one along for the ride (YES I have pumped while driving, YES I love that idea of efficiency, NO it is not a great idea, NO don’t do it).

Drive across the bridge and stop for a few holiday cards/gifts. The cards turned out to be NOT the right size and F THEM for lying to me. OK whatever. I didn’t notice it until later, so, yeah. Get to party which is conveniently located right by Jeff’s eye appointment that is to happen in the middle. I park behind Doug who also has an old blue Civic and we celebrate that. Go in with the “walkers” and Doug.

Party Boss/Former Big Boss is disappointed in my late arrival, he says he had to get the “tournament setup” going himself since I was late. OOPS! Ha ha. JK. I get myself a sparkly drink and make everyone pick a team. By a miracle Boss and Kara and I are all on the same team. BADASS! They finish cooking, we start games. Pictionary. My team is exceptional. We kick so much ass it’s like the other team isn’t even there. Once I’m sure we’re sufficiently ahead (JK) I go to Jeff’s eye appointment. We have a wonderful eye doctor. (Side note, this week I think I attended 4 medical appointments…yep. Nothing big just random coincidence of appointments.) It was nice to see Jeff and our great eye doctor. Things looked good and that was good.

Back to the party where eating is in full swing. I load up a plate and talk about babies with baby-having coworkers and then Yogurt Lab…INCESSANTLY. SORRY. Ha ha. Party Boss is intrigued but also very skeptical. He’s an East Coaster I think! 😉 The party devolves into: favor-pulling, joke-telling, skit-having (YIKES) and then prediction-making. Funny but awkward. Oh work! I work with a bunch of weirdos and I love it.

I notice it is 7:22 and decide to BOLT. Gather up the drawings/artwork I saved and hit the road where I arrive home to a happy husband and baby who is luckily still awake. Cuddle and feed baby and put her to bed. Then I probably passed out…or did I work? I can’t remember anymore. LIFE!

—

OTHER NOTES:
-It is almost Xmas WTF
-We have a 6-month-old WTF
-The difference between Jeff and I:
…..his reaction to being named Best Man – 1) what an honor 2) SHIT I have to give a speech (cues furious anxiety over how that all will go)
…..my reaction to being name MOH (in past) 1) what an honor 2) AWESOME I get to make a speech!!! (cues furious plotting/speechwriting in head)
-Other than my Dad’s diagnosis and some other family health problems, I would like to relive 2013 over and over
-half of this entry was written in the UMN pool locker room

OUT(T)IE!

Oh my my my I’m bad at this blogging thing.

But that’s because I get to cuddly a sweet sweet baby :).

So much to write about and never enough time(Spanno-esque!) but forget that for now: not one but TWO friends have had miraculously wonderful good news come their way as of late. With heartbeats to prove it.

Among others…!

There’s nothing quite like the miracle of life. Especially when your own little gal is sleeping soundly across the hall.

Here’s to 2013…and 2014!!! YEAH!

“Put your hands on the wheel / Let the golden age begin…”

—Beck / LXv1.0

I know, you guys, I’m awful. Just not an updat-er as of late. What can I say? And in my favorite month no less! And now it is November and we’ve been married 5 years and we have a 4-month-old and life life life…!

But I had such an awesome weekend and would like to record (some of) that…SO!

EOTW:
FRIDAY I took the day off to be with Baby so we could go out at night for the Anniversary. It was a pleasant day of naps and playing. Nighttime rolled around and Grandma Sue came to babysit. I picked Jeff up at work to take him to a SECRET SURPRISE place for dinner which was BAR LA GRASSA which was AMAZING. We ate plate after plate after plate of pasta…gnocchi with cauliflower and orange, crab ravioli, raw tuna(! I even liked it!), and of course Jeff’s fave…pasta carbonara. He was in HEAVEN. So was I. We also enjoyed a bottle of wine and some incredible bruschetta (lobster and egg! yes!). It was a glorious time of just sitting, eating, joking, enjoying, and being together. What a perfect way to spend our anniversary! We did not make the movie due to Excessive Pasta Consumption and instead drove down to the Guthrie. Jeff had not been there! We walked in and an enthusiastic worker gave us the Insider Info on where to go. To the 8th floor bathrooms it was! Among other things. We went out on the overlook and took in cold nighttime Minneapolis. Our beautiful city. Our beautiful each-other-ness. Home! I’m so lucky to have Jeff.

And then to our home-home. Bed!

SATURDAY we went to look at a house! It wasn’t quite right but it was fun. We don’t know what our plan is, ha. Jeff got in a workout then off to the U where all three of us enjoyed the beautiful day and walking around campus. We went in the ballroom and stood at the spot where we got married. Memories! Then over to McNeal. We looked at all the “Design and its Discontents” exhibits (very Jasper-like) and joked around in the ‘Treehouse’ work area. So fun!!! We also made fun of the OLD professor photos. Time for an update folks!

Went home, I went on a bike ride which was gorgeous. Lots of fun playtime at home. I got to make a new recipe for dinner – squash and sausages! – and that was great. I then fell into bed but did not get as good of sleep as I needed. Ah such is life.

SUNDAY I got up early for playtime. Then naptime. Then more playtime. We had a really relaxed day at home. Headed out for an afternoon walk with Baby all bundled up, and she fell asleep. Loved watching her eyes close. SO cute. The wind was crazy, the leaves were gorgeous and the sun was brilliant. Checked out a new ‘hood and fell in love. Fun!

Finally home, dinner was chili and cookies 🙂 and so nice. We even had that extra hour to enjoy life.

See, this is why I don’t update much any longer…I don’t know what to write about Baby yet she is such a giant part of our life. But at least I’ll remember most of this. The Golden Age.

PEOPLE! I am alive. So is everyone in my life. WHEW!

I am 32. Everyone is not 32. But everyone is pretty neat :). Jeff gave me THE BEST present for my birthday and he is so creative. I am so lucky!

Baby is an adorable ball of amazingness even when she is naughty, e.g., ‘prison on wheels’ car ride.

Um…I really wanted to say more than this…but I’m barely holding it together on multiple fronts, in a good way, I do like being busy after all…so I gotta jet. But HIIIII! And bye. 😉

Last year on the eve of my 31st I wanted nothing more than a baby of our own.

And now here she is sleeping on my chest.

What a wonderful gift. Happy 32 to me!