December 31st, 2018
2018: Watching and Waiting, More Natural Resting, The Having of Everything
“All for freedom and for pleasure / Nothing ever lasts forever / Everybody wants to rule the world”
—Tears for Fears
“Eventually, someone will come and ask you to do it.”
—coworker
“I’m the best you’ve never had / If you think I’m burning out, I’m never am / I’m on fire”
—Pitbull
“Wow! We should watch the National Geographic channel all the time!” -me “Wow, we are really turning into interesting people.” -Jeff
—12/31/18
“There was a girllllll, who didn’t want to go to schoooooool or college or nothinggggg! / She just wanted to stay hooooooooooome! / So she waited for holidaaaaaays, / but she waited and waited…!”
—anonymous1
“A-yeks-ah! Wee-peet it!”
—anonymous2
The end of the day and the end of the year.
I spent today with the people I love, who are healthy and vibrant and amazing, out and about at one of our favorite places and then the evening in our fine home, with a fire and games and snacks and laughter. Jeff played video games with one little girl while I played at gymnastics on the floor with another, after rousing matches of Hungry Hungry Hippos and Go Fish (/matching, if you’re 2) and a strange pretend New Year’s Eve at “Tomato Restaurant”. I have a job that fulfills me, health that sustains me, relationships that fill in all the right places, safety and balance and support. I have everything I ever wanted.
As always, it’s been clearer than ever this year that this is a rarity indeed.
We spent some of Christmas in Madison, and some of that time sitting in the dark, all the adults by a tree, talking about a wall. What struck me most is that no one is right in all of this, though I’d hope we start erring on the side of human decency, and soon. Will basic kindness rule all someday still?
There’s a lot to unpack there, but I’ll leave it, just as a general comment on the state of the world and the direction our country is going in, and how it’s harder than we think to imagine a way forward. Everybody wants to rule the world (even if they don’t).
Do I?
I came to more natural rest, I learned (more but not quite) how to watch and wait, I let time surprise me and before I knew it I had a reader and a walker to parent, a beloved husband with whom to celebrate 10 years of marriage, an open ticket to whatever I want at work with all the right moves, even if I still plan to watch and wait. 2018 was pretty kickass. Kindergarten shifted the rhythms, relationships changed their shape, and life is still so good. So, so good. It’s an honor every day.
My dad, cured / a miracle of miracles (a true miracle!). My mom, not, or at least not yet. The rest still stable but working through some trickery; our kids incredible, smart, able. Friends with their own challenges making their own way.
Water, water, everywhere, swim lessons, pool days, the big lake, the spa baths, a hotel swimfest. Sparkling sun glinting off black eyelashes of water-loving little girls, wide smiles that can’t be tamed. A new 5-year-old finding faux freedom in the water of a big lake with her tightly tied life jacket, endless energy absorbed by the splashing, special especially for the time just Mommy and she. Sisters lounging in a quiet spa beside a Dells lake, the two of us catching up. Sisters yelling across a hotel pool, overly excited, over the moon, the four of us ensconced in our lakeside northern trip, visiting our usual haunts. Learning to swim and happy to learn.
Chalk dust, chalk boards, chalk buckets. Gymnastics with two little girls together, rotating around the events, swinging from bars and hanging from rings and jumping on trampolines, helping the tiny one climb up and watching the big girl hold her own. Kindergarten playground night and Kindergarten open house and finding a frog toy and a desk sign and these new teachers. Getting ready for school and a few days just you two enjoying a world of freedom and fun and museums and MOA before the first day of. The Kindergarten routine and learning to learn and making friends everywhere, adored and energetic still, even as you’re tired, tired, tired. Apple cider making and field trip taking and playing at being funny and scooter skating. A Kindergartener, ready beyond any shadow of a doubt.
Work, work, work it out. Staying in place but kicking ass in place, finding my way back to things that are fun while still working to speak up and listen as appropriate, show potential, but still stay. Coworkers who are still killing it, who give me hours of lunches filled with laughter and wit, jokes and support, Bananagrams and Secret Santas…where would I be without you all? Working it out, finding sweat again, finding fitness again, and working mindfulness into it along the way (barre3, you are the winner). Fitness of the mind and meditating and finding a way to rest.
Sisters, sisters giggling, sisters playing, sisters tussling and relenting and hugging, sisters yelling, “sistah!”, sisters speaking Spanish, sisters wearing dresses and swaddling babies and carrying dolls and playing doctor, playing dollhouse. Sisters on a swingset, running out to it, swinging side by side, sisters fighting in a wading pool and going down a slide over and over. Sisters commanding Alexa and tugging at each other’s toys and screaming with tickled laughter. Sisters pushing buttons (real and figurative), playing videogames, trick-or-treating dressed as princesses. Sisters dancing, one on stage, sisters whispering secrets, growing into humans with their own real potential and hopes and fears.
(And sisters of another kind, my sisters, and our families sharing time together however we can.)
10 years, 15 years, a solid decade of marriage as we wind our way through New York City to celebrate. A tour, two tours, our own tour of a city that’s its own planet, together alone in our own world filled with others; like we do. The hangout life, the best life, the life together with hockey games and cuddles and HANGING OUT!, C&G and G&Ts and nothing to do but be ourselves and be thankful that we have each other. Thankful more than ever that I have my Jeff.
(So many things I did for others in my little life, but so little I actually did for the world at large; that would be one place to start to fix things. I’m not sure where to start, though, and I’m not sure what that means. Watch and wait, and see where it takes you.)
“A-yeks-ah! Wee-peet it!” is what I’d love to say to 2018, but that means none of the wonderful surprises I’ve gotten this year would be new. So as we hurtle into 2019, the last one of this decade(?! how did this happen??), my hope is for more confidence and conviction. Ya know, I’m pretty confident, but confidence is the enemy of anxiety, and if I can harness more confidence in my convictions or solutions or decisions or beliefs; stay in tune with what I know and feel is right, deep down; it can only serve me well. And maybe it will allow me to serve others, too. Happy New Year.