lxforever

“Do you know what’s going to happen in the new year?” -a mom trying to gin up giving up the pacifier far too late in life “Yes.” -Preschooler2 “You do? What’s going to happen?” -the mom “I don’t know.” -Preschooler2 “Oh.” -mom “Do you know what’s going to happen in the new year, Mommy?” -Preschooler 2

—the maddening logic of preschoolers

“Happy new year! We won’t make it to 12:00 am. Wow 2020”

—Steve, 12/31/19

“If you could see what I see, you’d be blinded by the colours / Yellow, red and orange and green, and at least a million others / So tie up the bow, take off your coat and take a look around / ‘Cause the sky is finally open, the rain and wind stopped blown’ / But you’re stuck out in the same old storm again / You hold tight to your umbrella, well, darlin’ I’m just tryin’ to tell ya / That there’s always been a rainbow hangin’ over your head”

—Kacey Musgraves, Rainbow

“Everyone I’ve ever loved is here within these walls / I’m sorry secret siren but I’m blocking out your calls / I’ve had my adventure, I don’t need something new / I’m afraid of what I’m risking if I follow you”

—Frozen II

“And time goes quicker / Between the two of us / Oh, my love, don’t forsake me / Take what the water gave me / Lay me down / Let the only sound / Be the overflow”

—Florence + The Machine, What The Water Gave Me

“O Lord, my God, when I in awesome wonder / Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made / I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder / Thy power throughout the universe displayed / Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to Thee / How great Thou art, how great Thou art”

—How Great Thou Art

“For a moment this good time would never end”

—Dave Matthews Band, Stay (Wasting Time)

A cup of coffee, an open book, stretches and hurriedly eaten date bar, meditation music. Joyous morning greetings, sleep tousled heads, hugs of fleece contrasting nylon and lycra. Out the door, into the studio, step-taps and windmill arms and mid core, to laying breathless in the dark, music pumping, the bliss of movement. Stamps, postcards sent, snacks procured, reading and bacon and rolls and coffee once more. Reunited to goofballs playing, then a shower, quickly scooting out the door. Tiny hairs cut, diminutive braids, trifling sparkles and miniature lollipops; big smiles on beautiful girls.

Bright snow shoveled, neighbors saying hello, back out into the day to a favorite place. Chips and drinks and lunches and laughter, strange offers of salt and pepper from a helpful place as a child imitates the world. A quick hug with a friend, then crayons and colors and dressmaking diversions, a promise to return soon. Hungry anger, strawberry smoothie and soothed feelings, twilight shopping for screens. A ride of toy trucks, hands waving, kisses blown, shiny eyes and teeth gleaming with cheer; her first time with just sister. Screaming on a rollercoaster to the ceiling, streaking through the dark sparkled mall, flying around corners with our very first thrill-seeker by my side, the laughing exclamatory high as we disembark. One last circle riding horses, then back to snacks and pajamas and light-up glasses, a toast of water by the fire with kisses all around. Some silly shows, then snuggled deep, exhausted but comforted by a day together.

A year together.

It’s been quite a year and I mean that in a good way. It wasn’t all good, of course, and this was the year we lost Kathleen, but the surroundings were damn charmed, as it goes, and for that I am incredibly grateful.

It’s also been quite a decade, so a few words on that first:
-this is probably the 5th most transformational decade of my life…80s, I was born, 90s, I graduated, 00s, I got through college and started working and got married, 10s I had children…I guess you could say 10s was more than 00s but I don’t think so because one can’t exist without the other. ANYWAY. I suppose this is just the Way Of Life and nothing interesting, blah blah whatever the point is I am almost middle aged and the most exciting times are not to come, but I am really enjoying the less exciting times lately TBH
-I would say this decade has been for me/our household, in particular, about three things:

1. 1: Serious Health Reckonings (though I suspect this will be part of future decades anyway as we get older, etc)
2. 2: Kids
3. 3: Career Moves (not away but up)(see previous disclaimer)

These have been interesting things and we have learned a lot. See Jane Run. Etc I have written about these before so whatever.

I would say the decade itself was about girls and ugliness, personified most in the USAG scandal disaster and the overall grossness that’s come out in the world about how horribly unfair we treat each other as a society. I do have a cockamamie idea about how better customer service will save the world in a way, that I can share with you sometime if you want, but the point is, we’ve spent the 10s getting the uglies out and while that’s icky, I hope it means we’ll start making progress. As society, that is. Unless we kill the Earth first. (Better than the 00s decade, maybe, which was about scams and hope? OK maybe not better.)

ANYWAY. 2019.

I feel like a lot of it was about water, or good things took place in water, but maybe that’s just because I love water so much. Swimming in summer, swimming up north, swimming in ‘our’ hotel in Duluth, Gradeschooler1 swimming in deep water and in shallow wading pools at Spanish camp, ancient baths in Chicago, the ocean in San Francisco, water in the church in Baraboo, in the Dells in the waterpark, in Madison with cousins. I’m probably oversimplifying it, but…water, man.

A lot of it was also about family and losing family. Losing Kathleen was hard for the grandkids, because we lost our Grandma, but we also got to think about her being reunited with LeRoy, which is nice. Losing Kathleen was devastating for the kids, because they were orphaned and alone and the cracks they had before were allowed to split wide. But they also found they had each other (some of them), and my parents did a great job of doing what needed to be done. She was 93; she had a good long life; it’s still really sad to have her gone.

A lot of it was about CONFIDENCE and CONVICTION, which is what I set out to care about, and which I did in grand fashion. I kicked some major butt at work, I led and launched a massive and visible project that I cared about deeply, I built enthusiasm and excitement and dedication on a terrific team that got us there, and at the very end I picked up a promotion and path forward that I’m nervous but excited about. In short, I am extremely lucky to have the job situation I have currently and I highly doubt it will keep getting better so I’ll just enjoy it when I can.

But back to FAMILY. I have the best family and life with Preschooler2 and Gradeschooler1 and Jeff just keeps getting better, for real. Jeff and I look at each other tearily as we watch Preschooler2 shed all that babylife (minus the GD pacifier HELP ME GOD) and move into little-kid-hood more each day. Gradeschooler1 still had her own baby face coming out of Kindergarten and now shoots up tall and angular and kid-ish, wanting to rollercoaster and swim and cross streets and walk to school without us. Boohoo. Our amazing babies. Giving us magic. Growing up.

Jeff is the BEST, and I say that a lot because it is true and also because he erroneously thinks the BEST is me. He really is, though; there’s no one I’d rather be with day after day. His goofiness and charm and peculiarities (being learned/adopted by Preschooler2 on the daily, btw) are a gift and a gift I get just for me. Thank you JEFF.

I was extremely lucky to see a lot of my dear sisters this year and I’m thankful for that. I especially am grateful for the trips I took to see them both because it’s exactly what I needed and just those few days made me feel closer to them and their lives in the best way! Also that roller coaster Jenny and I went on was incredibly sweet. Also it was so cool to go to my nephew’s basketball game and hang out in that city (Gradeschooler1 kissing random babies) with Stephie and her fam.

I had some nice times with my parents, especially this past weekend for ‘Xmas’ and celebrating their 40th in the Dells. Way cool.

Summer was too short and work did make it shorter. I hope to avoid that next year, at least in summer, but I also hope to make peace with not being able to be everything to my kids at every moment they want. We still had a lot of fun.

I gave blood a lot. I gave a lot of toys and money when I could to things. I didn’t give a lot else. It wasn’t enough–never enough.

A lot of the year in the world at large was about injustice, as always, that I did little to solve, except for close to home. Our daycare went through something terrible earlier in the year, and I’ll never forget stopping by with a card to see beloved Ms. Tati just before she had to leave, hugging her as we both cried. A chance at the life this country promises, torn away for reasons that don’t feel fair at all. I think I’ve settled at solving things more locally, but that means I need to expose myself to such things–not just wait for their calamities to peripherally descend. I’m still working on this, suggestions welcome. It can’t all be cash and blood.

So, the twenties. Minor detail but it will be nice to be able to say “the Twenties” like we said “The 80s” and “The 90s”, so I’m excited for that. The Twenties will also (mostly) be my FORTIES (age wise) so that is kind of shocking/frightening, as that’s old and makes it clear I’ll die someday as the invincibility of my youth wears away. Alas. By the end we’ll have a couple of teenagers. Goodness. (When I bought my car this year I realized…this will probably be Gradeschooler1’s first car. YIKES.)

But how about THE TWENTY, itself? 2020, that is. Here are my goals for 2020: DO LESS TO BE MORE / FEEL DON’T THINK. There is a lot wrapped up in these both, and they apply at WORK, at HOME, with PARENTING (aka, have KIDS do more and WE do less so they BECOME more – aka, hang up your own damn jacket 😉 etc.) and just with overall peacefulness. I have worked on mindfulness and being in the moment for ages, with mediation, with mantras, etc., and I think this sits nicely in those goals. Feel – don’t think. A little about trusting your instincts (see: CONFIDENCE + CONVICTION), a little about staying in that moment. These came to me a few months ago and have rung true since. So there they are, for 2020.

I’d also like to do 10 pull-ups. This has been a goal since 2018. I got to 5 last year, 7 this…hopeful that 2020 is the year. Geez. (Note, I obviously did not make this an actual priority, oops. Too much barre3 love!)

I hear fireworks. I made it to midnight, only by virtue of procrastinating on writing this earlier in the week…! HAPPY 2020.