lxforever

“You and your sister live in a Lemonworld / I want to sit in and die / You and your sister live in a Lemonworld”

—Lemonworld, The National

“One golden light bleeding into the dark / windows play movies that I know by heart… // Who will carry you? / Who will carry you? / Who will be the one to? / Who will carry you?”

—Who Will Carry You? via Transparent, by Adam Jones feat. KS Rhoads

“There are things in me that I’m designed to do that are just out of my reach.”

—Maeve/The Adversary, Westworld

“I got this feeling inside my bones / it goes electric, wavey when I turn it on / all through my city / all through my home / we’re flying up, no ceiling, when we’re in our zone / … // Can’t stop the feeling! / So just dance, dance, dance / Can’t stop the feeling!”

—Can’t Stop The Feeling!, Justin Timberlake

2016.

Made of 4s.

My grown family.

Also 4.

Before I get to the majority of what was 2016, let me start here: 2016, on a day made of 4s, brought us our 4th family member, my peridot princess, the baby sistah, the legend. Little darling girl, you have our hearts and eyes. You’ve cleared the mist of August, the musty air, and brought us joy. We are so very glad you are here. I never knew I had so much love.

It’s strange to think that for the first two thirds of the year, she wasn’t out on this earth and I was pregnant, growing (healthily, but still) rapidly each day. Her presence is so powerful, I can’t imagine she hasn’t been here all along. But until one muggy sweaty morning, when she decided that day was the day, she wasn’t, and now she is. A miracle of miracles. Sisters to adore. I am so lucky.

Other things happened that were not miracles, and in fact, were tragedies. Philando Castile certainly didn’t think he wouldn’t see the end of life in 2016, nor would so many others. I thought we’d have our first female president, and we didn’t. I thought we were living in a country that was less hateful than it is, and we’re not. I thought women and black people and everyone mattered more, and…no. Nothing is a foregone conclusion, and nothing good is guaranteed, making the good just that much sweeter. But the bad is still so bad, and I’m not sure where we as a country go from here; nor am I sure that I’m the one to figure that out in any way but the smallest of ways. I’ll leave it at that, because I can’t write well enough to make this matter. Just know it’s always there.

And for many a friend, this year wasn’t their favorite, either. Friends: I’m thinking of you.

It feels foolish and snotty to declare what a good year this was for me-myself-and-I, and yet. And yet. I can’t deny that in giving me everything I ever wanted personally, this year wasn’t so bad at all, and nearly beyond excellent. Being home with my girls for a good 14 weeks wasn’t so bad, either (read: AWESOME), and Jeff home for 5 of those (more awesome). We are building a family and finding our way and it feels so, so good to have that, and each other. So for that…what a lovely year. And for other things, too. Health and professional statuses and extended family and all that. We are lucky people. I also have to put in a plug for Simone Biles here. WHAT A STAR. That girl is out of this world, nearly literally, ha. And yay Rio for not being a total disaster, I guess. And so many other people brought other new lives into the world this year, I feel grateful to have witnessed (note: NOT ACTUALLY) that as well. So: 2016…NOT ALL BAD. Feel me? (“Can’t stop the feeling!”)

This doesn’t make sense.

But does anything anymore?

Here are some scenes from 2016 (without being too revealing):
Walking carefully around the cold ice lake listening to a serial story. Teaching a little girl to cook and cut and grow into a helper (stop growing so fast, though!). Watching toddlers grow into friends with lives and secrets of their own, and having their mothers by my side. A weekend in Madison with a bouncy house and cousin fun. Afternoons at the Children’s museum, riding the rides at Maka Maka, going to the first and second Twins game with face paint and bleachers and baseball. A perfect view to a perfectly growing baby GIRL inside. Growing growing growing. Gymnastics. Dance parties. Learning all the words to the songs, drawing pictures we can recognize. Traveling for work, making friends all over. PreK screen. Re-learning Spanish and preescolar with friends! Chicago weekend and cousin fun again. Riding bikes! Paddleboarding hijinks. Special time as a family of just three. Growing into four, that crying gorgeous dark-haired baby popping into our world, full of joy. The Fair again and again and time off and time together. Driving to Eagan and back again and listening to Run Boy Run and Empty Sky. LANDING CLIFFS, live and in earbuds. Glorious time off and walks and playing and a perfect 35th birthday. First smiles, first laughs, that adoring stare at the sister, perfect admiration. Playing at a park in the sunny sun sun and marveling over the new niece. Art classes at the park, Super Mario Halloween, surprise anniversary dinner. Back to work and it’s not so bad, with so much I’m designed to do that’s just within my reach. NEW CAR, at least to us. Cuddles and kisses and crib time. Yoga pre and post and centering oneself. Walking walking walking. My dear family and friends, and time with my Jenny in pieces big and small, whatever I can get. A tearful, despondent, disastrous election night. A way forward however we can. December and we’re all sick but we’re all together but we’re oh so tired. A perfect Christmas day of family and playing and joy.

The goal for 2016 was LESS IS MORE. I wanted to focus less on GETTING THINGS DONE and more on BEING TO BE. So…no surprise, I failed SPECTACULARLY at this. SPECTACULAR FAILURE. I had way too much fun doing way too many things, and I found that being a parent of two isn’t QUITE as much of a time suck as I thought (exception: THIS MONTH OMG). I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s a change, but…it’s a change for the good, in so many wonderful ways. And I just can’t stop (“can’t stop the feeling!”) enjoying life.

That said, I would’t mind seeing that in 2017, in some effect. To stay true to my ‘manifesto’, of course, but in addition, to add some more, or less of more. Less projects, less busyness. MORE playing, MORE reading, MORE movement, MORE listening, MORE MORE MORE. MORE of more.

The other thing I’d like to pay attention to in 2017 is this: LEAD WITH COMPASSION. This goes not just for work or whatever, but also (mostly?) for home, and ideally(??) for my community (one day??? I am not sure I am there yet, TBH). That is, show how, respect, listen, understand. I have the pieces, I know what I’m looking for, and I just have to put it together.

(So the breakdown, for my own reference:
1. Slow down 
2. More playing
3. Lead with compassion 
4. Go outside/and move)

So there you have it. 2016 was so good to me in so many ways, and on a personal level I will be sad to see it go; what a year (“can’t stop the feeling!”). 7s are tricky, lucky but slanty, slicing across the page. So I’m not sure at all what to expect next. But the least I can do is be grateful for what I have, and hold my dear sweet family close. Happy new year, friends. More is more.

ETA: LANDING CLIFFS. How the hell could I possibly forget that.