lxforever

“She’s my BFF from Wisconsin, but an adopted Minnesotan – went to UMN, lives in south Minneapolis, had a maroon and gold wedding at the North Star Ballroom where all the tables were named things like ‘lady slipper’…she has an excellent sense of humor in general, particularly about WI”

—Diana, 11/16/11

“One time you were a glowing young ruffian / Oh my god, it was a million years ago”

—The National

dark dark dark

This week did turn into doom / a nightmare, as prophesied. (And for reference my other ‘week of nightmares’ was in 1999, not 1998, my bad.)

Whether worse or better, this is due to internal freakouts rather than any external struggles. So I guess I am grateful for the relative benignness of the external world.

But still.

Morale is low.

Anxiety is high.

Mortality keeps knocking.

Here’s what’s been going on lately:

Diana is 30 today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to a woman who makes my life make sense.

I cried every single day this week. One day so much so that I thought I might throw up. So. That’s awesome.

Jeff is truly The Best and is pretty much a saint for all he does for me.

Madeleine made Diana and me drawings for our last day of fall session of gymnastics. She is so freaking adorable. That whole class was so wonderful and talented and cute and hilarious. I will miss them! Esp. Chloe, Zoe, Isabella and Madeleine (duh).

Also yesterday Madeleine was in my line (usually she is in Diana’s) and sat down and did a backwards roll all by herself. It was SO AWESOME and shocking and made my night. I LOVE seeing kids get skills by themselves.

3 year olds keep me more sane than most 30 year olds. Except of course Diana. And Jeff.

I called Stephie in the middle of one of my freakouts and I couldn’t be more thankful for her.

Jenny’s previous officemate died and that is horrible. MORTALITY.

My boss took the day off today to make lefse for his wife’s grandpa’s 100th birthday. No I am not making this up. He is awesome.

I spent several minutes several times this week digging my nails into my palms in an attempt to keep smiling while I just wanted to freak out. “The show must go on.”

I am angry and I don’t know what to do with that.

I am anxious and I don’t know what to do with that, either.

I had the most beautiful perfect latte at the library and read a book about someone crazier than me. That helped.

I hate Penn State and want them out of the Big Ten. Immediately. (This also has something to do with Catholicism but this is not the time nor the place. We’ll see at Advent.)

Christmas music came on the radio. Christmas lights are in our windows. Jeff is so happy about Christmas and that makes me happy.

I have an awful lot to be thankful for and it is embarrassing and frustrating that I still manage to get so worked up. I have such a good life and no reason to complain so it makes me angry with myself. It’s pathetic. Not sure where this terrible week came from but I wish it would stop. This theme of MORTALITY should teach me this and yet. Still growing. I hope.

This week is almost over. I hope.

This journal was posted on Thursday, November 17th, 2011 at 10:01 am. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.