November 25th, 2011
taking thanks
“We shall not cease from exploration / and the end of all our exploring / will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.”
—T.S. Eliot
“I wanted to love you like my mother’s mother’s mother did / civilian…”
—Wye Oak, Civilian
“…she was fully aware, from second to second to second, that it wasn’t a drug or a dream but just life happening to her, a life with only a present and no past…”
“You see, in all our searching, the only thing we found that makes the loneliness bearable is each other.”
—Contact…yes, these are worth repeating one after another again
“It’s so easy / to say it to a crowd but it’s so hard, my love / to say it to you out loud”
—Florence + The Machine…OBSESSED
“And when our bankroll is getting low / we’ll think about a time when we had none at all / And we’ll fall asleep counting our blessings”
—Ray Conniff Singers / whoever
time 10:14 AM feeling hungry and happy wearing gray hoodie (“I weep in my grey hoody” -Meis, 2006), UMN shirt reading A Million Little Pieces music Florence + the Machine ready for snack next eat
If you just give it time…many things fade. Not all, but many. I also recommend giving it: friends, Jeff, crying, and careful cousins.
So. Things are better. It’s so amazing – when it IS better, I can’t imagine how I could ever feel so bad but when it’s bad? It’s bad—it’s dark, and I can’t even entertain the idea of feeling better ever again.
Life.
LIFE.
Anyway. Thanksgiving was quite stunningly wonderful which was a delightful surprise. I always miss the Mason craziness/tournament-y-times, but I really, really had a terrific day yesterday. Finally feeling at peace and glad for everything. Waxes and wanes, you know. But I will take it what I can get.
The day before was spent baking (made my first French silk pie[s] ever, from scratch, all of it, PIEOW!), shopping, tooling around, hitting up C2 yoga, and biking in the glorious warmth/sun. BIKING! Nov 23! Really!! Then a run/walk Thursday morning. I stopped once at the edge of Nokomis and just took in the sun. Seeing the sun on Nokomis reminds me of LeRoy the Great, because that’s what I did right after I found out he died – run around Nokomis and looking at the sun.
LeRoy. He taught me a lot, just by being alive.
Anyway. We were off to Laureen and Jack’s shortly thereafter. A lovely afternoon of chatting and joking followed by a terrific meal (of course—Laureen is a pro. I aspire to her level of cookingness one day). Everyone was in a really good mood, the sun was shining, and when I took my first bite I just felt like “THIS is exactly where I’m supposed to be.” That little feeling. I haven’t had it so much in my life and especially not this year but man, it feels good when it happens.
Off to Sue’s for pies and more familia. Fixing computers and opening ornaments in the office upstairs. Sue laughing with her sons. Really a nice moment then too. There’s a whole lot of good in life, with all the suckiness.
Texts from friends far and near (and ever dear). Thankful. Home to hang out with Jeff by the Christmas tree. Cuddles. Long chit chat with Jenny about everything (“Dad is such a sore loser” and other summaries). Thinking of good cousins who are funny and/or who Get It. Thank You.
Happy holidays, friends.