lxforever

“Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point – that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative – self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it’s a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them.”

—Jennifer James

“But then what is the point of my epic journey?”

—Jenny, 2008

“I’m so tired of feeling so jealous, so tired of feeling sorry for myself, so tired of feeling so bad, and then I feel bad for feeling this way, I hate myself for feeling this way, because it’s dumb and unnecessary and I have it good, you know?” // “Don’t be hard on yourself for what you feel. Feel what you feel. It’s OK. You’re only human. This has been such an up and down year.”

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14 years ago at this time I was … worrying about passing my road test and dating a random hockey player.

13 years ago at this time I was … prowling around playgrounds, plotting Hallow-/Sevent- een partying, making new friends

12 years ago at this time I was … in leaves, at pickup football games, reconciling, polling, keeping new-old friends

11 years ago at this time I was … Sad, Sad, Sadly trawling around the U of MN campus alone

10 years ago at this time I was … smashing cups out the window and worrying about War

9 years ago at this time I was … getting mad at a newly-encountered, arrogant, late-to-class, hat-wearing hockey player in my GD cohort

8 years ago at this time I was … struggling struggling struggling with feelings I felt were misplaced – but which turned out to be Exactly Right All Along

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It’s good to have a husband who reminds you that it’s OK to feel what you feel, to lean into it, accept it, and then, it more quickly might dissipate. It’s good to have someone who will jump across the table of a random Noodles to put her arm around you to soothe when you suddenly start to cry. It’s good to have friends who will hold optimism for you, even when you can’t.

Thank you Best Roommates Ever for a wonderful wonderful night at Broders last night. Decadent and deserved. Thank you Diana for being excited about not just 30s, but 40s. Thank you Jeff for being the healthy, happy, strong and supportive love of my life.

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ETA – Things to look forward to…to keep me sane/happy:
-soup with Diana tonight!
-new TV coming back at ya tmw/Fri! (Modern Family/Greys…yep yep really and truly I am excited about this
-reading a great new book! Serious Fiction, get at me
-making up a pot of hot coffee this Saturday and reading while caffeinating
-getting back at cleaning the basement…get at it
-good weather this weekend / picking hydrangeas
-apple orchard?
-Drawing Club w/ special extra-credit assignment
-Target lunch shopping tomorrow…for MM
-MM party Saturday…GINGER HOP/AlyssaLexi party!
-Taking Monday off… to chill/bake/be outside…? Who’s with me?
-grillout soon?
-SF in Nov?? Or Feb?
-starting to plot Jenny’s wedding again, incl. invites…
-cleaning the tub and getting better house insurance! OK I am not really excited about this BUT it Must Be Done
-more bike riding…more running tests!
-trying new recipes…hmmm what to try?

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Happy 30th to Melissa, Ben, Angela M and me this week, and happy 31st to Kelly, other Melissa, and Rich!