September 12th, 2009
Declaration of
I was (am) still waiting to grow up.
When I start to wonder what I’m doing and if I’m where I’m supposed to be, I always go back to years gone past and what I did and where I was then. I find immeasurably helpful clues in the “when I want to grow up I want to be’s” of childhood, in the hours I spent in elementary/middle/high school and what I chose to do, what I wanted to be. It all reminds me that yes, this is you.
Taking art not astronomy, dropping AP 11, dropping out of physics to take it easy and not be so frustrated all the time, creating, staying in from recess to play computer games with Lauren and Erik and Jason, figuring out everything I could about the computer and how to make it mine, Microsoft Paint and Kid Pix and all that, coloring the menus, drawing drawing drawing, “being an artist” when I grew up (and truly a commercial one at that), drawing stories and whole houses and lives, coming home from a night out with friends to master HTML and CSS late into the night, writing late into the night, spending those nights out with my friends wasting time and watching movies and making water balloons and bananamobiles, math and Spanish and how it all logically fit together and made sense, reading reading reading, gymnastics and obsessing and teaching it too, Mr. Lawrenz hoping I’d do something with art over MIT, dollhouse stories and crafts and people-naming and life-creating, genuine real intense motivated (and not) transparent sensitive focused. Trying to get homework done as quickly as possible, doing math problems hardest to easiest to make it flow. Wanting a way out, wanting my time to relax, wanting time moreso than anything else. Being lazy, being creative, letting my imagination run wild. Creating whole stories out of nowhere.
I went for a bike ride this morning and so many things came out of it. That, and the thoughts above from last week, are starting to bring me somewhere. I’ve been feeling inadequate for no good reason—I see the JDs and MDs and PhDs and such being awarded and start to wonder, where’d I go wrong? And that makes no sense at all. For when you look at that list above, this is exactly where I’m supposed to be, flaws and all. And there can always be more to come.
Things to remember
What I want for myself. Not what my Troubled Genius friends from high school are doing, not how many advanced degrees they have or adventures or businesses or names. You can be smart and use it how you want, and that’s the benefit. You are given your life to do with it what you want, and that’s the benefit of being where I am.
It’s not about the money (but it is, to some extent, otherwise I’d do nothing)—you’ll never have enough. So now the hope is to discover what it is about, for me, to stay true to that and to stop feeling this random outside pressure that only I put upon myself. If you’re happy and things are working and you’ve got what you want—what else is there? How I spend my time is my choice; only I am in charge of that. Every day I make these choices. And that’s just fine.
This perfect day
What would your ideal day consist of?
Not necessarily in this order, but it would include things along the line of:
Going for a bike ride, swimming, spending the time with Jeff, trying a new recipe or baking, getting fancy coffee, reading reading reading, drawing, sitting in the sun, taking it slow. Thinking, being outside when it’s nice, cuddling. Things like that.
Who you really are
See above.
While I’m not super thrilled to be coming up on 28, I do welcome getting older if only for the hope that wisdom will come, too. And when things like this flood my mind, I start to feel like it might. This is what I am, after all, after all. Hello 28.