January 18th, 2009
let me know if you know any cheap shrinks / let me know where I can get any cheap drinks
“we went out to play for the evening / and wanted to hold on to the feeling / and the stretch in the sun / and the breathlessness as we run
to the beach endlessly / as the sun creeps up on the sea…”
—Lisa Hannigan
“I woke up depressed. I felt really pressured and panicked by ‘all these things I have to do.’ I’m really concerned that if I don’t have a to-do list and if I don’t make a schedule, that I’ll just piss every day a way and never get anything done, but if I do have a to-do list and schedule I just obsess about it and feel overwhelmed. A little more gets done, but mostly I just worry myself silly and then crash and burn and wind up really pissing the time away in an attempt to escape responsibility.”
—Michael
“But now work is over and I’m done with my food and I’m not quite sure what to do. I guess I’m doing this. It dawned on me the other day that I don’t really know what I want. For whatever the reason I’m not satisfied with my day to day life, but I don’t really know what else I think I’d like. I don’t really want a “better” or different job. I don’t really care about all that shit on my to-do list. I love my wife. I don’t want any more money or things. It’d be nice to make some more art that I’m happy with, but I can’t see what I want to do and it’s not dreadfully important.
Tonight I want something though. I’m listening to Kid A and I’d just like to go back in time and listen to it with Trevor in the blacklight wonderland he created in high school. I miss that. I mostly miss everybody. Even the people that live in town. I want all my friends to live in the same place all really close to each other and I want us all to have lifestyles where we’re on the same schedule and can hang out all the time with little to no responsibilities. I still haven’t gotten over the loss of space, time and people. I still don’t really know who I am without them.
Being a grown up sucks.
So maybe I should just make more of an effort to see my friends. Call more often. Get out of the fucking house more. It’s harder to hang out with people these days, but I could still do more than I’m doing now I suppose. That being said I don’t plan on leaving the house tonight though. It’s 11:33 PM and I’m too cold and tired.”
It’s been awhile since I’ve quoted Michael, and never so much of it I don’t think. While I do think I more or less know what I want, I’m not really sure what the tangibles are. And I should get out of the house more. And stop worrying about the far-off future. And stop with the to-dos (but I can’t). I could stop obsessing over the past, but I kind of have (kind of). And stop. STOP. Stop.
So instead I bury myself in gymnastics novels and meets and updates and use what was once a stressor as an escape. And make obsessive to-do lists. And get frustrated when things (WHAT things???) don’t get accomplished. And freak out if I have to disrupt my routine. And hole up in my house. And wake up depressed. And obsess….obsess. You’d think I had a touch of autism (possible, I suppose).
Don’t get me wrong—things are good. The freaking and depressing and escaping and obsessing makes no sense, considering how great I have it. I suppose that’s life, and that’s why I have things like Michael’s writing to make me feel less crazy. Or something.
In good news, I DID get out of the house, even if I was crabby about it, and hit up our work holiday party (like I wouldn’t!) tonight, and it turned out to be fantastic. Just as I suspected, forcing myself to not be a hermit might just be a good thing. Even if all I want to do is Hang Out! Anyway, as always, it was a terrific party with some super duper people. I’m a lucky gal. THANKS.
Yeah so. Time to settle down this house. Everyone needs to write more. FYI.