lxforever

“I would never fall in love again until I found her / I said, ‘I would never fall unless it’s you I fall into’ / I was lost within the darkness, but then I found her / I found you”

—Stephen Sanchez, Until I Found You

“You’re an interesting species. An interesting mix. You’re capable of such beautiful dreams, and such horrible nightmares. You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone, only you’re not. See, in all our searching, the only thing we’ve found that makes the emptiness bearable, is each other.”

—Contact

I think I’ll mix up holidays a little bit and close out with a bit of a Thankful Things Tuesday, or whatever blog trope is still hanging around. (A blog trope! Who in their right minds in 1997 when this blog started guessed that would be a Thing?! I suppose we had the little link rings to help get traffic–I’ve been crosslinking since high school, I guess.) I’m not feeling particularly inspired or drawn to resolutions or improvement or some kind of big change for 2025—I looked over my 2024 goals and ideas (usually called “202X Things” in my Things app, as a nb) and was surprised at how very structured and thought-out and organized they were—around quarters, around themes, around smaller happy things to try to larger themes to carry out. It’s not a bad thing, but wow, I don’t feel that right now. I could chalk it up to a few things, some negative, some neutral, but I think it’s really just this: middle age.

Middle age, the back half, whatever you call it. Not in a bad way, but instead in a softening way. Our friend Brigette made mention of this earlier this year, or last year, but this concept of this second part of life being about softness, ease, enjoyment…not so much striving. That seems just right. Or so the memes that keep surfacing for me seem to say. And it’s like—sadly, I remember being so disappointed in adults who took things like NYE less excitedly/seriously than I did and didn’t make a big deal out of things, but what if we’re busy making a bigger deal about the littler, more ordinary-magic things as we age and that’s enough? A good workout, a beautiful sky, a hot cup of coffee. I think that is. Enough.

(And. This thing I’ve circled around for a few years now, and keep getting better but keep having to work on, on being enough, on doing stuff that works for me—that’s a factor here, too. Working on it. Maybe worth writing down.)

(And also? After that shitshow of an American election I definitely don’t feel like I have it in me to try and improve. You guys wanted this? You have it. The war on women continues. So, no. I will resolve…to have a good time and enjoy my wonderful family.)

So! Anyway! Let’s get going.

I’m thankful for having a strong, active body that can get up and off the floor and play and lift and barre3 and do so many things. I lifted lots of heavy weights this morning in a studio that’s pretty special to me, swam laps easily yesterday, and that is a gift itself. I get so much out of movement. I’m thankful for HEALTH and all of our health. I’m thankful to watch our children grow, grow up, have classmates and teachers worth crying for when they leave and then new ones worth celebrating when they move on and up and out, thankful to watch them shoot a basket or try a new long race or audition for the first time and make it. Thankful to watch them play and have little pretend voices and make ‘lisenses’ for their ‘cleaning person’ service and swim all day and trick-or-treat all night and intertwine friends all around throughout the way. And I’m thankful for my own friends, too; my dozens-of-years friends and my new friends, close and far; for my colleagues, my colleagues-turned-friends and all of the hijinks we get up to—LETITSNOW! Thankful to have a job that provides a purpose even when it’s frustrating, with people I generally enjoy and outcomes that are well-meaning. I’m thankful for the OLYMPICS!!!!! For ALL the AMAZING gymnastics I got to see this year—what a freaking year!—TRIALS and all those days with Diana, the amazing Olympics with all those outstanding athletes, and even the GOLD tour. You were good to me! Thankful for my family, my awesome cousins, our silly text threads, a wonderful wedding with lots of dancing and a newly married cousin, get togethers in MN and WI and cousin-cousins hanging out (what a great Thanksgiving!), and always Jenny. And of course and especially JEFF, who is the best. Duh. Thankful to be able to reminisce about decades ago and seconds ago over a second plate of chips …and everything else.

Another note. I finally made it to a math talk by my old friend Po-Shen earlier this year. He is one of the most energetic and inspiring people I know, and the biggest takeaway I had was this: the only way humans can make it is in the strength we have unique to us, which is our connections. C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-O-N-S. We aren’t the strongest creature on the planet, and soon we won’t be the smartest, either, but wow, we have a lot going for us, if we keep it going. So trying to focus on that above all.

OKAY! Time for some questions, and adding some pics, and then we’ll wrap this up. These questions are adapted from a previous livejournal EOY questions list that was much (unnecessarily, IMO) longer…

1. What songs, books, lyrics, movies, or other media will remind you of 2024?
   • INTERSTELLAR. I got into this soundtrack late 2023 and it bled into the entirety of 2024, with Tick-Tock as my top song and key in many moments. I eventually saw the film (a few times! terrific), and as semi-usual, spent a lot of time thinking about how time works, and doesn’t work, and what we see and don’t see and how it’s just one part of a path. I read a lot of other books clustered around this concept, too, including The Anomaly, Midnight Library, and more. And actually…
   • THE FUTURE. Incredible book. Everything to believe about everything. A ton of honorable mentions too, including I Have Some Questions For You, The Vaster Wilds, and The Bee Sting, and aforementioned ones.
   • Challengers was a close second in terms of soundtrack, to Interstellar. Good movie too.
   • I rewatched The Bear S3E1 a few times and listened to the NIN song on repeat for days. Listening to stuff on repeat is a very strong theme of my entire music collection, btw, as is soundtracks.
   • Stephen Sanchez! What a guy (musician).
   • WILD ROBOT. “I need a boost” on repeat.
   • Lindsay Stirling, Don’t Tell Abuela, any music that was part of an Olympic hopeful’s floor music. Also On Top Of The World, Public Service Announcement, You & Me, Dream On, Kiss To Build a Dream On, and a few new songs added to the collection, too, and new discoveries. Most of these remind me of kids doing stuff/kid basketball/ordinary moments of happiness.
     
2. Did anyone close to you leave or join this Earth? (death/birth)
   • I went to THREE baby showers this year which is like crazy to me! A dear friend/colleague, a dear sister-in-unlaw, and a dear college friend. Pretty rad. 2/3 babies born so far, so good. I also have some cousins who got/are getting married (not to each other), pretty cool.
   • A few folks close-ish to me lost people very close to them. It sucks. It’s that time.
   • A colleague who was a integral part of a really cool project I worked on in 2023 was killed by a drunk driver this fall. Young promising economist and it was terrible.
     
3. Was there a theme or goal or resolution(s) you had for 2024, and how did it go?
   • PLAY/ALIVE. I was trying to be more playful. I was focusing a lot on playing with Gradeschooler2 when asked, since those times will fly by. I think it went pretty well. I think it’s worth keeping top of mind still, though. As mentioned, I had a lot of other goals, some were successful, but mostly it’s just more on the never-ending to-do list. So it’s worth asking if it’s worth it, IMO.
     
4. Look through your photos. What moments or images stand out to you from 2024?
   • I love watching my kids do things! I love going places with my family. AND just being at home with them, as I am now :).
   • I had a lot more silly fun with coworkers than I have in recent years. And that reminds me that I’m still in touch with many folks (colleagues/classmates!) from years and years ago now, even those who have moved on. Pretty good, have to enjoy it when you have it. Connections!
   • There was a lot of bananagrams in breweries, lol.
     
5. Did you: try something new; go somewhere new; meet someone new; or learn something new?
   • I tried new things! I kind of got back into calisthenics which I think I’d like to do more of. I coached youth basketball as the main coach, which, wow. But fun. But v grateful for Jeff. I went to Nashville! That was new and a cool hotel. I also went back to Duluth, to Chicago, to the Carolinas, to Atlanta. Typical places but terrific experiences. I met a few new people but more I re-made connections and deepened existing ones. I learned a lot, a lot of it at work in both how I do things and adding a new item to my plate, which was cool, but nothing specifically stands out for right now.
     
6. What do you want out of 2025?
   • I want to be grateful for what I have and enjoy it. Presence? Be that through connections, creating, looking for LESS, accepting a MESS, and continuing to PLAY, that’s what I’m thinking. But who knows? Happy new year.

^ first part of title is completely best holiday song but totally overdramatic title signifying nothing fr lol. Second part is everything. 

I’m writing this before 8a this morning while sitting in a coffee shop drinking my last of the holiday drinks as I wait for my sushi tray to be ready next door. Probably nothing profound to report this Xmas eve update but realized this is probably my best chance of the day. Yay phones/(nay phones?). I do want to write more though! Maybe not here tbd on Russia, AI, etc 😖. 

As noted time just gets faster as you experience more of it and this holiday season – year – decade is no exception. Ten days til Christmas feels an eternity for gradeschooler2, a little less for middleschooler1, but on and on time marches. (“And on and on and on, til you’re dead!” -some dark-side yet prescient child [could be either!] one time years ago.)

“Sounds sus”

That’s okay. I declared myself a middle aged mom whose only chance to dress hot these days is at barre class as I left class this morning and a classmate (friend? probs, they all are, depending on your definition) was shocked. “You consider yourself middle-aged?! I don’t!” Turns out she’s a few years younger and mid 40s hits different when it comes to society and face and future. 

Which is fine. I say this every year but I am grateful every year for the wisdom age portends. It feels calmer. It feels better. I know society will dump me soon as an aging woman but you know what, that’s a problem for the future. 

The future. Big broad wild theme of at least my fiction reading and watching this year and also just time in general. What is time? What is happening? What has ever happened and will ever happen? It’s all happening, all right now, all at once, in every possibility in every way. 

And we’re only in one spot of it at one moment anyway. FLATLAND! Tick Tock. All you’ve got in that case is presence. Physical feeling. Mental awareness. Emotions in motion. We’re all just here to evolve the human race, some in one direction vs the others (“some people’s lives only serve to function as a warning to others” after all!) so you might as well dance around the table to Holly Jolly or get in the wrong Escalade or melt into madness with the people who’ve got your back and love them right back. Connections. Presence! Chaos. The future. Evolution. Happy Christmas Eve amigos far and near and close and dear. My sushi’s done. 

is the time coming to END THIS WEBSITE?
Who can say…..but there’s a lotta bots visiting. Can’t be good. Been a good 25y run… stay tuned.

“This is it. Don’t get scared now.” –Kevin, Home Alone

As I reflected on this year, I realized: it was a pretty calm year. And it made me realize 2022 wasn’t, not exactly. I think I wrote about that—the 2s, they were like lightning bolts! Thunder only happens when it’s raining! etc—and so maybe the 3 is a wave. Peace. Fewer changes. Fewer conflicts. Riding along on the water cruise of life. Well—in my little sphere of the world, anyway.

I also almost didn’t write this. lxforever.com suffered a DDOS attack on Xmas eve (my other Relied-Upon Updating Time) and I kind of gave up. (I did write an email to myself, which I will post retroactively.) And I thought, maybe it’s time to give it up, for real! I have a lot to think about, and a lot to say, but maybe not here. Buuuuuut….tradition. Pressure. LOL

2023 was a year of good health, good work, happy ages, lots of fun. It was also a year of realizing—we’re on borrowed time for some of our loved ones, most likely. We just don’t know it yet. Nothing’s happened, everyone’s fine, but we’ve seen it happen this year—in the fourth dimension, time comes for us all.

You know, I’m not writing any more. I would be happy to reflect on such a good year, but I’ve got some funny things playing out in front of me right now—namely, gradeschoolers 1+2 playing what I guess I’ll call “life”—and I don’t want to miss is. Happy New Year!

Not too many deep thoughts tonight for the internet (which appears to be broken – excuse me while I type this in email then post and backdate later due to web host connectivity issues. I really hope all those people don’t have to work all night.). Instead I keep those for IRL or in my head, so hit me up (or not). 

We say things are broken, but we’re still living in the best of times—really! Progress isn’t linear. Evolution takes all of us. Even the morongs. I checked another broken website for another update about mine being broken and—I’m still glad it’s there and people share. That, at least. Maybe not the rest.

Pop-up cards and ‘yeah dude’ letters are made and a spy cam is set up for the big guy dropping down. Health, family, safety, balance. Wonders abound—really! And I’m lucky to have them. Take it easy. Merry Christmas.

“Oh, thunder only happens when it’s raining / players only love you when they’re playing / say, women, they will come and they will go / when the rain washes you clean, you’ll know / You’ll know”

—Fleetwood Mac (and many remixes), Dreams

“First things first / I’ma say all the words inside my head / I’m fired up and tired of the way that things have been, oh-ooh / the way that things have been, oh-ooh / second thing second / don’t you tell me what you think that I could be / I’m the one at the sail, I’m the master of my sea, oh-ooh / the master of my sea”

—Imagine Dragons, Believer

“I get up, I get down and I’m jumping around / and the rumpus and ruckus are comfortable now / Been a hell of a ride but I’m thinking it’s time to grow / Bang! Bang! Bang! / …I’m way too young to lie here forever / ‘Im way too old to try so whatever come hang (come hang) / let’s go out with a bang”

—AJR, Bang!

“I see it / let’s feel it / while we’re still young and fearless”

—Alan Walker, Darkside

I was right.

But first, a 60-second detour to remind myself and any readers of actuality and bring some humility to this post.

At the end of 2021/beginning of 2022, as often there is, I had some Big New Year Energy and impetus to Get Things Done and Organized (this is also an energy I carry fairly frequently anyway; see: last week at work when no one was working except me and so I made a big list of everything my team and I should get done in 2023, they will hate this act come Tuesday, lol; anyway) and said, In 2022! I Shall Migrate My To-Do App on my iPhone! This will be very easy to accomplish in a year’s time! And so I put it on my “2022 things” list (in, of course, said To-Do app).

(The To-Do app is my lifeblood, kinda, of my day-to-day; I bought it for a whopping [what it felt like at the time, for apps!] $10 back in 2009 and it’s served me well since then. No, I never upgraded, I hate updating apps, hence why I’m now so far behind and have to start all over on an app from a company that still exists.)

Anyway, it’s been 54 seconds, long story short, our heroine ran into many other things to do in life and … just didn’t get this one done.

Until today! We’ll see if I finish, but I finally, randomly, but because it felt right, decided on WHICH app to switch to and bought it (another $10, but feels ‘cheap’ compared to other subscription-y apps today!) and committed and am migrating. So. All the hubris in the world, to finally realizing wow I won’t get this done, to maybe getting it done?

2022. Two little lightning bolts of matching 2s. Lots of rain (but not in real life, see: drought). But overall a feeling: this is right. I was right.

2022 brought together a lot of things I’ve been dreaming of being and in a similar haphazard-yet-planned fashion, happened. I’ve dreamt of being someone who enjoys the moment (ahem, insane to-do app saga nonwithstanding; I’ll never not be a type-A-er, might as well embrace it and enjoy the GTD life); I’ve dreamt of being someone who trusts her intuition and acts upon it more forcefully; I’ve dreamt of being someone aware and compassionate enough, but confident enough to lead, and of someone who feels rather than thinks (so much damn thinking), and leans into that.

There were so many things bringing me angst this year. So much crying, and fury, and despondency. And in the end it turned out I was leaning into the right feelings, and there is just more that needs to be fixed or accepted or changed.

DESPONDENCY: Overall, the year was better than 2021 at large (if not individually/in my sphere, but those aren’t my stories to share!), if only because covid was over. (Blahblah it’s still here, but honestly, don’t care, sorry. It’s Over in the way it was, finally.) Because I recognize my privilege, I kept saying “oh the pandemic isn’t that bad for us”, and it wasn’t; I knew if we got covid we’d be OK, we had means to keep our kids learning and socialized, we had money coming in and money to sit on…but actually, it sucked. I thought I liked working at home every day—turns out I didn’t! I thought I didn’t mind hanging at home, and I don’t! But overall the complications and confusing messages and changing everything and the stupid masking for kids and and and just, no, I can’t, I couldn’t. Here’s what I wanted: regular life, playdates and sleepovers with abandon, Scooter City in a crowded elementary school gym with germs flying everywhere (really!), no more breath-holding about if kids were going to get quarantined, people just living their crowded dirty messy fun lives. Community! I guess I wanted community! And in a few other ways, too, we got it. So, good. I’m sorry this happened and I’m very sorry people died, no shit, but turns out nature makes its own decisions sometimes, and we’re just human bystanders. And I personally? Can only do so much. So let’s live.

Here’s what I was despondent, and furious, and sad about: women’s rights. Women’s rights and how we act like it doesn’t matter, on the whole. People who cheer and celebrate and shout about LGBTQ rights for their corporation, but stay silent as ever as women’s health care is diminished, their rights taken away. Stop pretending it doesn’t matter. Stop pretending it’s about birth. It’s about control. It’s hypocrisy to pretend otherwise. This was an infuriating year, and the acts and reactions of those diminishing women brought me to tears. This isn’t right. This isn’t just. Women deserve better.

Kids deserve better, too. Kids deserve schools that are open, kids deserve to not carry the pandemic on their backs, kids deserve to go to class instead of staying home for three weeks while the adults bicker about a pay raise. I was on no one’s side for that strike, except for the kids’, and as I’ve said, it really messed me up. I felt so much angst and anger and sadness during those three weeks. It did not have to happen that way, and to pretend that there’s One Bad Actor in all of it is false; both sides weren’t doing their best and weren’t being realistic. Kids deserve better. I was glad to take a day to take the kids and their friends to Crayola and find joy in this, I am glad to be coaching basketball (lolololololol) this winter to give some kids some fun, I am glad to help with swim meets for kids to be able to compete and try something new, I am glad to be doing things to help my kids’ schools because kids deserve better, and our time, and our attention. This I always cared about, but came back to in a major way this year.

And not to even get started on the guns! The fucking guns. IT’S THE GUNS, STUPID. Hypocrisy.

Hypocrisy runs rampant in the corporate world, too. Inflation is the culprit? Try looking at your executive salaries. Can’t keep people employed? How about those bonuses you gave out?! It’s disgusting, and infuriating. While thankfully, my workplace is not at all subject to such things (which makes it such a special place to work), there was a few particular struggles that were a result of not-enough-truth-telling. Some dear colleagues who left added insult to injury, too. And the lack of truth-telling—that’s not a way I know how to live, and I called it out, and I was upset, and I felt alone.

But I was right. Turns out, in all of this, it just takes time for others to catch up.

To get to the end of the year and find that so many things, from superficial to big—as I sit in my really-cool reconstructed kitchen, I’m living in one of them!—my gut was on, and the goal of trusting it was there, too. FEEL DON’T THINK. My goal of years past! I’ll stop there but man, it felt good to be vindicated, validated, at the end of all that (this isn’t about the kitchen, btw, just a bunch of stuff).

And that wasn’t even the 2021 goal. MOVE INTO MEANING was that one—nailed it. Realizing that hey, I enjoy working out/being active, let’s do that more; and knowing that I had to start diving into what brought me the most meaning—this concept of building, building, building one’s life reaching a point where then…you can just enjoy it. Embrace it. That’s the meaning I sought, and the meaning I found. Gold star. It doesn’t hurt that I have an incredible family and wonderful husband and kids at majorly fun ages :).

What’d we do this year? A ton! We went to the beach, twice!, we made new friends and hung out with old, we hung out with each other—our fave!, we watched some awesome swimming, we found ourselves with a couple of (basket)ballers, we went to the rollerskating and scootering parties and we got back to normal schooling complete with a bus, we watched a reader and now skater catch on fast, we worked on ourselves and our relationships to those around us, we just…lived and enjoyed. Were grateful for what we had but tried to take it easy on ourselves when things didn’t go as planned. In all this, I am most proud of Jeff.

And not gonna lie, proud of myself (worried that I was humble, fear not; in fact, I may know a young person, who at 4 years old said “I’m a really great person, WIGHT?!” and now older said “I know everything there is to know about skating”, so, the acorn blahblah…). I sensed that I was onto something and in a moment at the end of the year I realized: I was. I was right. I’m doing good things.

And now I just came back to this to add some photos and quotes and what have you after a day of skating and cheese and video games and crabbiness but also fun, and I’m also here to tell you, I finally did that freaking to-do of migrating my to-dos, so I guess you just know when the time is right. Goals for 2023…WONDER/ENJOY, play more, learn to raise my right eyebrow independently (I can already do my left after much training), and maybe finally order some photo books. Also Diana and I are looking into witchcraft.

Here’s to the family, as the family said in our toasts, and here’s to 2023! Happy new year.

“What do I care… / I’ve got my love to keep me warm”

—Ella Fitzgerald

This is for the snugglebug who slid into our bed with skinny limbs and bad dreams last night like many nights. That wasn’t the sleep quality I wanted! But what do I care! I’ve got my love(s) to keep me warm.

For some reason I wanted to say this: the strike really messed me up. The strike on top of the year on top of the pandemic on top of the violence and corruption overall. Kids deserve better! We all deserve better.

But.

That’s not the point.

The House is the point.

The House Is The Point.

Reading Piranesi in the filtered green shadow of Perrier at the pizza place on the morning of a failed go-live made it clear: THIS is the point. The living, the enjoying. The moments, even the misery, the sun, the speckled shadow, a bite, a wave, a smile. The day to day. THIS is the point. And THIS is where I’m living the dream, for real, I am. With these two snugglebugs and this great husband and the house of this amazing family I’d always dreamed of. Live The Dream. Live Your Dream. Every day!

Merry Christmas.

“I feel the stars are mine / They’re bright in every kind / I feel the stars are mine / They’re bright in every kind”

—Chocolate Puma x Pep & Rash

“We’re the ******* animals”

—Martin Garrix (“Alexa play ‘Animals’ by Martin Garrix” / “Alexa, repeat” / x40)

“I wonder if you know / how they live in Tokyo!? / If you seen it, then you mean it / then you know you have to go”

—Teriyaki Boyz

“If I sound lazy, just ignore my tone / ’cause I’m always gonna answer when you call my phone / what’s up danger?!”

—Black Caviar and Blackway

“Who am I if I can’t carry it all / if I fall”

—Surface Pressure, Encanto

“Dos oruguitas / Against the weather / The wind grows colder / But they’re together”

—Dos Oruguitas, Encanto

“I’ve lived a life that’s full / I traveled each and every highway / And more, much more than this / I did it my way”

—Frank Sinatra

“Yo tengo un cuerpo y lo voy a mover, lo voy a mover, lo voy a mover / yo tengo un cuerpo y lo voy a mover! / desde la cabeza a los pies”

—Diverplay / daycare show

2021! Such a fun string of numbers, small but together mighty. A year of vaccines, a year of healing, a year of hope! A year of going backwards, a year of further divide. A year with democracy and climate scares alike. A year with an Olympics and a new president! A year where it feels like we’re vibrating in place.

I don’t have it in me for the bildungsromanlike posts of years past, but here I am, anyway, and that is just good enough. Good enough is good enough—something I’ve maybe, finally, taken to heart. “You’ve spent so long building, building, building, and now you get to take stock—to enjoy.” —someone wise. They were right. This is middle age. This is good enough.

This is even great: a healthy family, a happy family, playing make believe and practicing magic tricks. A healing member of the extended family after another summer scare, driving around the other one, playing Animals on repeat in the wide and whipping streetways. A safe haven, a safe home, wildfires just a whiff of smoke above the sky (though that even freaked me out; Boulder is freaking me out, too; it should freak us all out), vaccines in arms and T-cells memorizing. Families together, families growing, in ages and in pairs sometimes, too! Livelihoods and day-to-day intact, meaningful, full of important relationships and sometimes just good enough, and that’s okay. We all are enough.

(I’m not ready, I’m not interested this year, in commenting on America and everything in it. I can’t fix everything, and I’m only responsible for so much; I’ve done enough, and am enough as I am. I don’t need to shout it to the world. But you know, I’ll say this: I finally realized this year that almost no one at all, including at the highest levels, including official officials, including experts, knows WTH they’re doing, so why do I need to be at some higher standard, strive for something that’s not even attainable? Even with this pandemic—no one knows! Yet they act as if they know. I kind of just realized this year the complete fallacy of authority, I guess. Blech. Anyway.)

A body I want to move! Bodies we want to move and keep safe and healthy and happy and swimming through the water, the air. Yo tengo un cuerpo y lo voy a mover! Lo voy a mover! I’m always gonna answer when you call my phone! Gold Suni gold Simone, gold hometown girls, the stars are bright in every kind / then you know you have to go? And Jeff, who’s always so great, better than ever, many say, THE BEST. :*

We’ve all given so much, we’ve all given enough. Push when you have to, take stock when you can, and enjoy.

2022? MOVE INTO MEANING. Conscious consumption. And migrate to a new to-do app. That’s enough, too. Happy new year, though 2s are even and thus not my fave, I hope they can be our friend, for once.

“Falalala lalalala / Now I want to, now I want to”

—Kindergartener2 version

“And that’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.”

—Linus Van Pelt

There’s a closet upstairs where it makes more sense to play than anything, when you’re small anyway. The glow from a new planet lamp winked off the walls, bathing four kids in waves and sliding pinprick shimmers round and round. The green stars dimmed from sparks to dark and every time, the four little voices screamed with delight. Press the button and start again and scream some more, whirling around as the blue red green rippled through. Just another afternoon, playing.

More moments like that, being in that moment. Having those cuties let you in while they do whatever they do, wherever they find meaning, and you can, too. That’s what it’s all about. Now I want to! Merry Christmas!

“You’re in your golden age, guys. Enjoy it.”

–our family practice doctor, wistfully, at kid checkups a couple weeks ago

“Like much in life, a person reflects on where they have been, what’s been accomplished. While that may be worth noting I found that 40+ and beyond is much more rewarding. It’s when a person begins to see the fruits of what has been sown. Enjoy what is here now and what is to come. Love, Dad.”

–Steve

“34…35…36…shhh! I’m trying to set a record!…37…38…39…40!”

–Meatball again

It’s late and it’s bedtime, but a person of privilege in a particular place has the luxury to reflect and reminisce before they retire for the eve so here I am, 40 luxurious years +13 extra hours in. It’s safe to say that this is halfway, if luck stays on my side, and while I guess I should plan past 2061ish, this still feels halfway, a reflection point, and not just because of the age. It really does feel different.

I noticed earlier this year that I’ve turned into a mentor at work, something I know I’d been doing before, but now someone that others new-to-me see as a Person Who Knows, who they want to reach out to, lean into and learn from. Me? Yes, me. And on my dev team as the second oldest now, the one having to Google “and i oop”, assuming it was a typo (lol!), trying to keep up with gifs and wondering what’s next. (Don’t worry, I’m still barely catching up on the other side of my work house, ha.)

I know how to parent, I have two grade-school kids. I am pretty good at being a wife, but this is mostly because Jeff is the BEST! I spent a long time the past couple of years working on how I perceive mistakes and accept poorer outcomes and that no path to perfection is a guarantee anyway. I’m still battling against my obsession with efficiency and there’s still more to come there, so let’s hope—I know—I’m still learning at this crest.

Our doctor said it, my therapist said it, so many birthday cards said it—at a point this becomes about enjoying what you have. 2014, 2015, entires were all about the keep-climbing narrative, keep climbing keep climbing and then…I was there and then…pandemic and now…? Now there’s more to learn, but less to climb, I think, and plan.

The past few days have been cousins giggling and playing, new fluffy boots and reading and gathering of books, cake and family and toasts and parks, happy-birthday planks and quiet lake swimming and a sunshiney beach, sparkly things and flickering candles, messages and jokes and leg-kicks in the morning, a ‘proj-ect’ and drop-offs to start the day, chats and cards and calendars of birds, wishes on candles and cuddles and the cupcake book, a world alive. Happy 40.