lxforever

“This is it. Don’t get scared now.” –Kevin, Home Alone

As I reflected on this year, I realized: it was a pretty calm year. And it made me realize 2022 wasn’t, not exactly. I think I wrote about that—the 2s, they were like lightning bolts! Thunder only happens when it’s raining! etc—and so maybe the 3 is a wave. Peace. Fewer changes. Fewer conflicts. Riding along on the water cruise of life. Well—in my little sphere of the world, anyway.

I also almost didn’t write this. lxforever.com suffered a DDOS attack on Xmas eve (my other Relied-Upon Updating Time) and I kind of gave up. (I did write an email to myself, which I will post retroactively.) And I thought, maybe it’s time to give it up, for real! I have a lot to think about, and a lot to say, but maybe not here. Buuuuuut….tradition. Pressure. LOL

2023 was a year of good health, good work, happy ages, lots of fun. It was also a year of realizing—we’re on borrowed time for some of our loved ones, most likely. We just don’t know it yet. Nothing’s happened, everyone’s fine, but we’ve seen it happen this year—in the fourth dimension, time comes for us all.

You know, I’m not writing any more. I would be happy to reflect on such a good year, but I’ve got some funny things playing out in front of me right now—namely, gradeschoolers 1+2 playing what I guess I’ll call “life”—and I don’t want to miss is. Happy New Year!

Not too many deep thoughts tonight for the internet (which appears to be broken – excuse me while I type this in email then post and backdate later due to web host connectivity issues. I really hope all those people don’t have to work all night.). Instead I keep those for IRL or in my head, so hit me up (or not). 

We say things are broken, but we’re still living in the best of times—really! Progress isn’t linear. Evolution takes all of us. Even the morongs. I checked another broken website for another update about mine being broken and—I’m still glad it’s there and people share. That, at least. Maybe not the rest.

Pop-up cards and ‘yeah dude’ letters are made and a spy cam is set up for the big guy dropping down. Health, family, safety, balance. Wonders abound—really! And I’m lucky to have them. Take it easy. Merry Christmas.

“Oh, thunder only happens when it’s raining / players only love you when they’re playing / say, women, they will come and they will go / when the rain washes you clean, you’ll know / You’ll know”

—Fleetwood Mac (and many remixes), Dreams

“First things first / I’ma say all the words inside my head / I’m fired up and tired of the way that things have been, oh-ooh / the way that things have been, oh-ooh / second thing second / don’t you tell me what you think that I could be / I’m the one at the sail, I’m the master of my sea, oh-ooh / the master of my sea”

—Imagine Dragons, Believer

“I get up, I get down and I’m jumping around / and the rumpus and ruckus are comfortable now / Been a hell of a ride but I’m thinking it’s time to grow / Bang! Bang! Bang! / …I’m way too young to lie here forever / ‘Im way too old to try so whatever come hang (come hang) / let’s go out with a bang”

—AJR, Bang!

“I see it / let’s feel it / while we’re still young and fearless”

—Alan Walker, Darkside

I was right.

But first, a 60-second detour to remind myself and any readers of actuality and bring some humility to this post.

At the end of 2021/beginning of 2022, as often there is, I had some Big New Year Energy and impetus to Get Things Done and Organized (this is also an energy I carry fairly frequently anyway; see: last week at work when no one was working except me and so I made a big list of everything my team and I should get done in 2023, they will hate this act come Tuesday, lol; anyway) and said, In 2022! I Shall Migrate My To-Do App on my iPhone! This will be very easy to accomplish in a year’s time! And so I put it on my “2022 things” list (in, of course, said To-Do app).

(The To-Do app is my lifeblood, kinda, of my day-to-day; I bought it for a whopping [what it felt like at the time, for apps!] $10 back in 2009 and it’s served me well since then. No, I never upgraded, I hate updating apps, hence why I’m now so far behind and have to start all over on an app from a company that still exists.)

Anyway, it’s been 54 seconds, long story short, our heroine ran into many other things to do in life and … just didn’t get this one done.

Until today! We’ll see if I finish, but I finally, randomly, but because it felt right, decided on WHICH app to switch to and bought it (another $10, but feels ‘cheap’ compared to other subscription-y apps today!) and committed and am migrating. So. All the hubris in the world, to finally realizing wow I won’t get this done, to maybe getting it done?

2022. Two little lightning bolts of matching 2s. Lots of rain (but not in real life, see: drought). But overall a feeling: this is right. I was right.

2022 brought together a lot of things I’ve been dreaming of being and in a similar haphazard-yet-planned fashion, happened. I’ve dreamt of being someone who enjoys the moment (ahem, insane to-do app saga nonwithstanding; I’ll never not be a type-A-er, might as well embrace it and enjoy the GTD life); I’ve dreamt of being someone who trusts her intuition and acts upon it more forcefully; I’ve dreamt of being someone aware and compassionate enough, but confident enough to lead, and of someone who feels rather than thinks (so much damn thinking), and leans into that.

There were so many things bringing me angst this year. So much crying, and fury, and despondency. And in the end it turned out I was leaning into the right feelings, and there is just more that needs to be fixed or accepted or changed.

DESPONDENCY: Overall, the year was better than 2021 at large (if not individually/in my sphere, but those aren’t my stories to share!), if only because covid was over. (Blahblah it’s still here, but honestly, don’t care, sorry. It’s Over in the way it was, finally.) Because I recognize my privilege, I kept saying “oh the pandemic isn’t that bad for us”, and it wasn’t; I knew if we got covid we’d be OK, we had means to keep our kids learning and socialized, we had money coming in and money to sit on…but actually, it sucked. I thought I liked working at home every day—turns out I didn’t! I thought I didn’t mind hanging at home, and I don’t! But overall the complications and confusing messages and changing everything and the stupid masking for kids and and and just, no, I can’t, I couldn’t. Here’s what I wanted: regular life, playdates and sleepovers with abandon, Scooter City in a crowded elementary school gym with germs flying everywhere (really!), no more breath-holding about if kids were going to get quarantined, people just living their crowded dirty messy fun lives. Community! I guess I wanted community! And in a few other ways, too, we got it. So, good. I’m sorry this happened and I’m very sorry people died, no shit, but turns out nature makes its own decisions sometimes, and we’re just human bystanders. And I personally? Can only do so much. So let’s live.

Here’s what I was despondent, and furious, and sad about: women’s rights. Women’s rights and how we act like it doesn’t matter, on the whole. People who cheer and celebrate and shout about LGBTQ rights for their corporation, but stay silent as ever as women’s health care is diminished, their rights taken away. Stop pretending it doesn’t matter. Stop pretending it’s about birth. It’s about control. It’s hypocrisy to pretend otherwise. This was an infuriating year, and the acts and reactions of those diminishing women brought me to tears. This isn’t right. This isn’t just. Women deserve better.

Kids deserve better, too. Kids deserve schools that are open, kids deserve to not carry the pandemic on their backs, kids deserve to go to class instead of staying home for three weeks while the adults bicker about a pay raise. I was on no one’s side for that strike, except for the kids’, and as I’ve said, it really messed me up. I felt so much angst and anger and sadness during those three weeks. It did not have to happen that way, and to pretend that there’s One Bad Actor in all of it is false; both sides weren’t doing their best and weren’t being realistic. Kids deserve better. I was glad to take a day to take the kids and their friends to Crayola and find joy in this, I am glad to be coaching basketball (lolololololol) this winter to give some kids some fun, I am glad to help with swim meets for kids to be able to compete and try something new, I am glad to be doing things to help my kids’ schools because kids deserve better, and our time, and our attention. This I always cared about, but came back to in a major way this year.

And not to even get started on the guns! The fucking guns. IT’S THE GUNS, STUPID. Hypocrisy.

Hypocrisy runs rampant in the corporate world, too. Inflation is the culprit? Try looking at your executive salaries. Can’t keep people employed? How about those bonuses you gave out?! It’s disgusting, and infuriating. While thankfully, my workplace is not at all subject to such things (which makes it such a special place to work), there was a few particular struggles that were a result of not-enough-truth-telling. Some dear colleagues who left added insult to injury, too. And the lack of truth-telling—that’s not a way I know how to live, and I called it out, and I was upset, and I felt alone.

But I was right. Turns out, in all of this, it just takes time for others to catch up.

To get to the end of the year and find that so many things, from superficial to big—as I sit in my really-cool reconstructed kitchen, I’m living in one of them!—my gut was on, and the goal of trusting it was there, too. FEEL DON’T THINK. My goal of years past! I’ll stop there but man, it felt good to be vindicated, validated, at the end of all that (this isn’t about the kitchen, btw, just a bunch of stuff).

And that wasn’t even the 2021 goal. MOVE INTO MEANING was that one—nailed it. Realizing that hey, I enjoy working out/being active, let’s do that more; and knowing that I had to start diving into what brought me the most meaning—this concept of building, building, building one’s life reaching a point where then…you can just enjoy it. Embrace it. That’s the meaning I sought, and the meaning I found. Gold star. It doesn’t hurt that I have an incredible family and wonderful husband and kids at majorly fun ages :).

What’d we do this year? A ton! We went to the beach, twice!, we made new friends and hung out with old, we hung out with each other—our fave!, we watched some awesome swimming, we found ourselves with a couple of (basket)ballers, we went to the rollerskating and scootering parties and we got back to normal schooling complete with a bus, we watched a reader and now skater catch on fast, we worked on ourselves and our relationships to those around us, we just…lived and enjoyed. Were grateful for what we had but tried to take it easy on ourselves when things didn’t go as planned. In all this, I am most proud of Jeff.

And not gonna lie, proud of myself (worried that I was humble, fear not; in fact, I may know a young person, who at 4 years old said “I’m a really great person, WIGHT?!” and now older said “I know everything there is to know about skating”, so, the acorn blahblah…). I sensed that I was onto something and in a moment at the end of the year I realized: I was. I was right. I’m doing good things.

And now I just came back to this to add some photos and quotes and what have you after a day of skating and cheese and video games and crabbiness but also fun, and I’m also here to tell you, I finally did that freaking to-do of migrating my to-dos, so I guess you just know when the time is right. Goals for 2023…WONDER/ENJOY, play more, learn to raise my right eyebrow independently (I can already do my left after much training), and maybe finally order some photo books. Also Diana and I are looking into witchcraft.

Here’s to the family, as the family said in our toasts, and here’s to 2023! Happy new year.

“What do I care… / I’ve got my love to keep me warm”

—Ella Fitzgerald

This is for the snugglebug who slid into our bed with skinny limbs and bad dreams last night like many nights. That wasn’t the sleep quality I wanted! But what do I care! I’ve got my love(s) to keep me warm.

For some reason I wanted to say this: the strike really messed me up. The strike on top of the year on top of the pandemic on top of the violence and corruption overall. Kids deserve better! We all deserve better.

But.

That’s not the point.

The House is the point.

The House Is The Point.

Reading Piranesi in the filtered green shadow of Perrier at the pizza place on the morning of a failed go-live made it clear: THIS is the point. The living, the enjoying. The moments, even the misery, the sun, the speckled shadow, a bite, a wave, a smile. The day to day. THIS is the point. And THIS is where I’m living the dream, for real, I am. With these two snugglebugs and this great husband and the house of this amazing family I’d always dreamed of. Live The Dream. Live Your Dream. Every day!

Merry Christmas.

“I feel the stars are mine / They’re bright in every kind / I feel the stars are mine / They’re bright in every kind”

—Chocolate Puma x Pep & Rash

“We’re the ******* animals”

—Martin Garrix (“Alexa play ‘Animals’ by Martin Garrix” / “Alexa, repeat” / x40)

“I wonder if you know / how they live in Tokyo!? / If you seen it, then you mean it / then you know you have to go”

—Teriyaki Boyz

“If I sound lazy, just ignore my tone / ’cause I’m always gonna answer when you call my phone / what’s up danger?!”

—Black Caviar and Blackway

“Who am I if I can’t carry it all / if I fall”

—Surface Pressure, Encanto

“Dos oruguitas / Against the weather / The wind grows colder / But they’re together”

—Dos Oruguitas, Encanto

“I’ve lived a life that’s full / I traveled each and every highway / And more, much more than this / I did it my way”

—Frank Sinatra

“Yo tengo un cuerpo y lo voy a mover, lo voy a mover, lo voy a mover / yo tengo un cuerpo y lo voy a mover! / desde la cabeza a los pies”

—Diverplay / daycare show

2021! Such a fun string of numbers, small but together mighty. A year of vaccines, a year of healing, a year of hope! A year of going backwards, a year of further divide. A year with democracy and climate scares alike. A year with an Olympics and a new president! A year where it feels like we’re vibrating in place.

I don’t have it in me for the bildungsromanlike posts of years past, but here I am, anyway, and that is just good enough. Good enough is good enough—something I’ve maybe, finally, taken to heart. “You’ve spent so long building, building, building, and now you get to take stock—to enjoy.” —someone wise. They were right. This is middle age. This is good enough.

This is even great: a healthy family, a happy family, playing make believe and practicing magic tricks. A healing member of the extended family after another summer scare, driving around the other one, playing Animals on repeat in the wide and whipping streetways. A safe haven, a safe home, wildfires just a whiff of smoke above the sky (though that even freaked me out; Boulder is freaking me out, too; it should freak us all out), vaccines in arms and T-cells memorizing. Families together, families growing, in ages and in pairs sometimes, too! Livelihoods and day-to-day intact, meaningful, full of important relationships and sometimes just good enough, and that’s okay. We all are enough.

(I’m not ready, I’m not interested this year, in commenting on America and everything in it. I can’t fix everything, and I’m only responsible for so much; I’ve done enough, and am enough as I am. I don’t need to shout it to the world. But you know, I’ll say this: I finally realized this year that almost no one at all, including at the highest levels, including official officials, including experts, knows WTH they’re doing, so why do I need to be at some higher standard, strive for something that’s not even attainable? Even with this pandemic—no one knows! Yet they act as if they know. I kind of just realized this year the complete fallacy of authority, I guess. Blech. Anyway.)

A body I want to move! Bodies we want to move and keep safe and healthy and happy and swimming through the water, the air. Yo tengo un cuerpo y lo voy a mover! Lo voy a mover! I’m always gonna answer when you call my phone! Gold Suni gold Simone, gold hometown girls, the stars are bright in every kind / then you know you have to go? And Jeff, who’s always so great, better than ever, many say, THE BEST. :*

We’ve all given so much, we’ve all given enough. Push when you have to, take stock when you can, and enjoy.

2022? MOVE INTO MEANING. Conscious consumption. And migrate to a new to-do app. That’s enough, too. Happy new year, though 2s are even and thus not my fave, I hope they can be our friend, for once.

“Falalala lalalala / Now I want to, now I want to”

—Kindergartener2 version

“And that’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.”

—Linus Van Pelt

There’s a closet upstairs where it makes more sense to play than anything, when you’re small anyway. The glow from a new planet lamp winked off the walls, bathing four kids in waves and sliding pinprick shimmers round and round. The green stars dimmed from sparks to dark and every time, the four little voices screamed with delight. Press the button and start again and scream some more, whirling around as the blue red green rippled through. Just another afternoon, playing.

More moments like that, being in that moment. Having those cuties let you in while they do whatever they do, wherever they find meaning, and you can, too. That’s what it’s all about. Now I want to! Merry Christmas!

“You’re in your golden age, guys. Enjoy it.”

–our family practice doctor, wistfully, at kid checkups a couple weeks ago

“Like much in life, a person reflects on where they have been, what’s been accomplished. While that may be worth noting I found that 40+ and beyond is much more rewarding. It’s when a person begins to see the fruits of what has been sown. Enjoy what is here now and what is to come. Love, Dad.”

–Steve

“34…35…36…shhh! I’m trying to set a record!…37…38…39…40!”

–Meatball again

It’s late and it’s bedtime, but a person of privilege in a particular place has the luxury to reflect and reminisce before they retire for the eve so here I am, 40 luxurious years +13 extra hours in. It’s safe to say that this is halfway, if luck stays on my side, and while I guess I should plan past 2061ish, this still feels halfway, a reflection point, and not just because of the age. It really does feel different.

I noticed earlier this year that I’ve turned into a mentor at work, something I know I’d been doing before, but now someone that others new-to-me see as a Person Who Knows, who they want to reach out to, lean into and learn from. Me? Yes, me. And on my dev team as the second oldest now, the one having to Google “and i oop”, assuming it was a typo (lol!), trying to keep up with gifs and wondering what’s next. (Don’t worry, I’m still barely catching up on the other side of my work house, ha.)

I know how to parent, I have two grade-school kids. I am pretty good at being a wife, but this is mostly because Jeff is the BEST! I spent a long time the past couple of years working on how I perceive mistakes and accept poorer outcomes and that no path to perfection is a guarantee anyway. I’m still battling against my obsession with efficiency and there’s still more to come there, so let’s hope—I know—I’m still learning at this crest.

Our doctor said it, my therapist said it, so many birthday cards said it—at a point this becomes about enjoying what you have. 2014, 2015, entires were all about the keep-climbing narrative, keep climbing keep climbing and then…I was there and then…pandemic and now…? Now there’s more to learn, but less to climb, I think, and plan.

The past few days have been cousins giggling and playing, new fluffy boots and reading and gathering of books, cake and family and toasts and parks, happy-birthday planks and quiet lake swimming and a sunshiney beach, sparkly things and flickering candles, messages and jokes and leg-kicks in the morning, a ‘proj-ect’ and drop-offs to start the day, chats and cards and calendars of birds, wishes on candles and cuddles and the cupcake book, a world alive. Happy 40.

We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down.

-Kurt Vonnegut

We are in our dresses, in our slacks, in our blacks and grays, a flash of white, crisp and tucked. Teary shines and mouths in lines, a small cracking through. We are the kids and the grandkids and the greats, bundled in the front but we’ll never be back; this is the last. There are flowers and a line and a chain of hugs, and no more grandparents other than the newly appointed ones, who really are just the kids.

Last time we did this we were a decade plus one younger. Ten people lighter. Now just one.

And on and on.

And every day you’re different and every day you grow, if you try, you grow and grow and you pray for wings to arrive. You made it through! You made it through alive! And your wings slice through and you’re ready to hit the ground lightly, to fly, to find your way. And even if you can’t see it, it happens every day, and they are, too.

by W.H. Auden

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.

How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.

So nice, right? Happy hearts day.

“you are my sunshine over a field of snow / and I love to watch you g[r]ow”

—Brett Elderedge

“But if you send for me, you know I’ll come / And if you call for me, you know I’ll run / I’ll run to you, I’ll run to you, I’ll run, run, run / I’ll come to you, I’ll come to you”

—Lana Del Ray

“Will you still love me / when I’m no longer beautiful? / I know you will, I know you will / I know that you will / I know you will, I know you will / I know that you will”

—Lana Del Ray

“It doesn’t matter if you’re a loser, or a nerd, or a freak! All that matters is that you become BADASS!”

—Johnny Lawrence, Cobra Kai

“Have confidence in where you are, but give yourself room to grow.”

—barre3 instructor, 9/9/20

(me reading from the Crayons book) “ ‘Have you, Duncan? Have you ever been eaten by a dog and puked up on the living room rug?’ ” (PreK-er2) “no I have not”

—12/30/20

(me trying to get PreKer2 to hurry up with something) “Come on, I’m not here all day!” (PreK-er2, knowingly) “Yessss you are…”

—12/31/20

The picture could be the whole entry

“Do you think we should worry about this virus thing?”

“Did you see the video of the man being killed by police?”

“Why is there an American flag in the front yard?”

We were going to work, going to school, going to meetings, going on playdates, going to brunch, going to workout class, going to lunch, going to swim lessons, going to arcades, going on trips, going on waterslides, going out to dinner, going to concerts, going to rallies, going to gyms, going to pools, going to games, going to shows, going to marches and going to malls.

Then stop.

Stop and stay, stay safe if you can, between two worlds, the before and now. Between two worlds, the lucky and the not. Between two worlds, white and privileged, and everyone else.

Between two worlds, waiting for the votes to be cast.

Between two worlds, clutching a passport while kids struggle in cages.

Between two worlds, life outside a grocery store and death on the neck as breath runs out.

Between two worlds, the people who care and the family members who share memes.

Driving along 38th was a near-daily ritual in 2020, a near-straight line between two worlds of two kids, the same planet but separated only by place and age, a near-straight line between colorful privileged daycares equidistant from the home, the new office(s). A near-straight line on 38th, with just one jag south, around a memorial of a fist raised straight up high, flowers piled around, a movement sparked by Memorial Day murder.

Say his name! George Floyd. Say his name!

Between two worlds, 1865 when we solved it by ending slavery, before and after. Between two worlds, 1965 when we solved it with the Civil Rights movement, before and after. Between two worlds….and too far gone to solve it with just one year. Years and years to come.

That near-straight 38th-street line, hazy and bright in summer, darkening and Christmas-lit in winter. Nearly straight for me, just one inconvenience of a jag around the ragged edge, with a big green new park on the other side, all surrounded by safety and goodness. Jittery hands on the steering wheel as curfew approaches and Black Hawks fly overhead, wondering if this is enough or if more will burn, but nothing is begrudged. Some things are past words.

The near-straight line between smiling faces safe from disease, or at least safe enough, with their friends and computer school and “proyectos” and drawings, work turning into endless video meetings with breaks for tacos, two separate desks, faces on a screen. First grade finishing by Mommy’s side, not quite right but nothing is quite right? Maybe movement? Moving in front of a screen, in a masked class, outdoors, barre and biking and swimming, outdoors. Biking on the bridge to suburban paths as freeway cars race by, over the river. The beach! Lots of time at the beach, a short long stroller walk away with snacks and sand and deep swimming. Swimming in the little yard pool, too, brave swimmers, the shortest longest time, deep into the lake with friends or sometimes alone, to the buoys as adventurers, water as the siren song, explorers of our little few-mile radius. Covered in sand, climbing equipment, birthday cupcakes outside and ice-cream truck fiascos, touring every available park in the sun and sometimes the rain.

“Do you think we should worry about this virus thing?” Maybe? We went to the Dells anyway, it didn’t seem real and we washed their hands feverishly, no fevers. One last gasp of chlorine and cousins before it all changed. But still room for some more, three lovely road trips to see family that were even more precious for their rarity, an afternoon in a pool, a week caring for a nephew as they jumped off the top bunk, a weekend in Chicago on the big, big lake of deep, deep blue, a quiet family holiday. Surprised and lucky to see people as we did, safely, spitting into tubes with military standing by. Maybe next year we can have more.

“Did you see the video of the man being killed by police?” I did. We all did, or if we didn’t, we soon knew we should have. Rest In Power, to you and all of yours before and after you. I have been part of this failure.

“Why is there an American flag in the front yard?” A SCREAM! HE WON! “The reign of terror is over” but not a joke this time. The passports get stored away again, maybe some of this can be salvaged. We’ll see.

It has been quite a year, for everyone, and least of all for us, really. Some has changed, but not much; I spent this year of 38 on 38th and at home and around the lake, and sometimes, in other parts of the city and Midwest. I had friends and family who needed me, and I’ll run I’ll come. Because they do the same for me. There’s no school, but it turned out okay; the time in late spring was sad, but we found a solution, and I’m glad we did; it wasn’t right for her to be home alone with us, ignored. Just typing that makes me sad. I’m glad we have options.

I’m glad we have our jobs, which became more challenging and interesting at the same time; not due to location, but more to pace and time. The regular old truths. I’m glad I figured out how to leap, and I’m there now, ready to be a second-year Level 8, or something like that, just needed some more time to cook. I’m glad I like a challenge and I’m glad we like to be home anyway, video games and Barbies and books and art supplies and each other in hand. The four of us as it was always meant to be, a year born for us, for hanging out.

And more than anything, I am glad we are healthy and safe. Luck and privilege in one big package at my feet. Now what to do with that?

2021, what’s for you? Playfulness. Curiosity. More continued trusting of self, and my skill. More sharing of privilege in an organized way. Less doing of STUFF, more confidence, aka things I keep putting on the list. Less phone, more play. Less leaving the room via a screen when I can avoid it. Less judging, more forgiveness, modeling that mistakes are learning. Showing how we can care and honor our failings in that space. I could go on but I think a big part of 2021 is truly just waiting to see, in the spaces between every one of these different worlds. Give ourselves room to grow. Happy new year. Black Lives Matter!